Monthly Archives: June 2014

And to top it all off, I can’t get past this one level of Mario

I have this weird thing about textures in my mouth. I mean, like a lot of people do… but most  of them are children who grow out of it. I guess I never did. And in the grand scale of things that are wrong with me, this is pretty insignificant. 

 

It all starts when I say “Oh, I don’t eat cake.” YOU DON’T EAT CAKE? YOU’RE A MONSTER! 

Lots of people don’t eat cake.

I like cake. I like frosting. I don’t like the feeling of a sponge falling apart in my mouth. Cake is too airy to be in my mouth. It’s not as compressed as brownies, and not as… something… as bread. But I will try to choke it down every time because I am so goddamn tired of hearing how I don’t have a soul, how I’m a monster, how I haven’t lived, how their mom’s aunt’s great-grandmother’s friend’s recipe is the one that will change me. 

It’s not just cake. 

I can’t eat peas. I can’t eat strawberries. I can’t eat most fruit actually, because I start gagging on it… there’s always something. ALWAYS. It’s fuzzy, it’s not fuzzy, it pops in my mouth, it feels like I’m eating a caterpillar, it has seeds so now it’s crunchy but fruit should never be crunchy… 

I like veggies more. EXCEPT PEAS. 

It’s weird because I don’t have any other sensory-type issues, no issues with smells or colors or touch or noises; you know, none outside of normal people (because no one needs to hear styrofoam squeak against itself.)

 

This post was supposed to be about my food eating but now all I can think of is how people react when you tell them you don’t like something. It’s easier to say you are allergic to it because people will take you seriously, instead of trying to force you to eat something because you they swear that this one is nothing like what you’ve had before, you’ll love it.

Image

 

I never thought of that before, thanks, now I love this food you won’t get out of my face.

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Sexually Charged Bananas for Sale

I love bananas. I really do. Bananas are one of the few fruits I can tolerate. Because I hate fruit in general. In fact, bananas are number two on my list of fruits I like.

1. Cantaloupe
2. Bananas
3. Grapes
4. Apples
5. Watermelon

…and I think that’s it.

But that’s not the point. The point is that my sister peels her bananas completely and touches them  and eats them like that. I have a MAJOR problem with this. Like it freaks me out so much and I start hyperventilating a little bit. It is so irrational but I have a thing where you cannot eat a banana like that. It makes me gag. It makes me anxious. Other people eat their bananas like this too and I can’t very well go up to them and get in their faces like “YOU ARE EATING YOUR BANANA THE WRONG WAY! FUCKING STOP THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. OH MY GOD YOU ARE LITERALLY* KILLING ME BY EATING YOUR BANANA WRONG.”

Like this. WHAT the fuck is this shit?!

Peel-a-Banana-Step-25-preview-Version-2

 

That is awful! That is grossing me out just looking at it. WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING IT. There is only one way to eat a banana and that is like this:

man-eating-banana-19177012

 

Sexual in nature, topless, and holding it by the goddamn peel!

Don’t even get me started on the “Which way is the correct way to peel a banana: by the stem or the butt?”

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