Monthly Archives: January 2015

Vyvanse Day 15

700 AM: I overslept. Good news is, I did fall asleep. Bad news is, I didn’t take Vyvanse on time.


The people upstairs are insane. So like I said, I finally fell asleep lat night. Which I figured I would. But I ended up oversleeping and taking muh pillz several hours later. No bueno. Right now someone is shouting “I HAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEAM” over and over again.

I had a dream once. It died once my neighbors moved in.

I haven’t had any headaches so far. No nausea. Still no appetite, but I’ve noticed that I do feel slightly hungry for the rest of the day once I finally do eat. Like that sliiiight hunger you feel when you’re starting to get bored but not so bored that you are bored-eating. Does that make sense? Probably not. Just, you know, like maybe you could eat some crackers or something.

My brain feels like pudding but that’s probably a combination of the past few days. I figure it’ll fix itself once I start sleeping properly and taking my pills on time again. It might be worth noting that going off schedule – both pill and sleep-wise – has a notable effect, though. It’s not like a relapse into fast-brain-madness, but rather, a complete sludge in my head that is difficult to wade through.

I am still perma-thirsty. Occasionally I drink a Coke Zero. I think it’s because I enjoy torturing myself. Every time I have caffeine (outside of the miniscule amount in a candy bar, etc.) it screws up my stomach. It turns me into an ulcer ball, but for some reason I still drink one every once in a while. I’m not kidding myself either, I’m thinking “I want a CZ, but my stomach… ah who cares.” I CARE. I CARE, PAST ERIN. FUTURE ERIN CARES SO MUCH. FUTURE ERIN CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN HOT&SEXY PAIN AND NOTSEXY PAIN. HERE’S A HINT: NOTSEXY PAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF HOSPITALS WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN.

I haven’t noticed caffeine having an effect with the Vyvanse however. Maybe it’s just because I’m so low. I bet higher does have an effect.

That’s it, that’s all I got. Someone do me a favor and kill my upstairs neighbors though. Please. Please.

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Vyvanse day 14.

700 AM: THEY ARE STILL STOMPING AROUND. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?


So the NEW owners of the building decided to renovate the apts whenever someone vacates. Which means the unit above us got renovated. With hardwood (fake) floors. The problem with that is, this is the cheap apartments. Low income apartments. The building itself is NOT made with soundproofing in mind, which isn’t too much of a problem with carpet. Carpet absorbs most of the sound.

There’s no carpet anymore. You can hear everything. EVERYTHING. You can hear their conversations. You can hear them walking around. YOU CAN HEAR THEM IN THE BATHROOM, FROM ANY ROOM IN OUR UNIT. Just because they are above us, and there is no longer any sense of soundproofing.

Whoever they are, they are moving their shit around all day long until 1.45 AM, AND THEN THEY START FROM THE BEGINNING AT 500 AM. I AM READY TO TEAR MY FUCKING HAIR OUT. I can’t sleep. I am exhausted. I tried earplugs, but they are literally so loud that everything on or near the walls rattles. I can’t even decide who I’m more angry at; the people upstairs who think it’s completely a good idea to move heavy furniture around after 11pm, or the owners who thought it would be a great idea to give low income apartment complexes hard stompy noisy floors. It is driving me insane. I haven’t slept since yesterday which isn’t a big deal normally but I can’t sleep now because it will throw off my sleep patterns which I desperately need to keep taking these pills.

I mean, this is the only thing I can think about. I can’t think straight. Just pure “FUCK YOU FUCK YOU SHUT UP I HATE YOUR STUPID VOICE LET ME SLEEP LET ME SLEEP NO ONE CARES JUST STOP TALKING STOP MOVING STOP BREATHING STOP DROPPING EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR LIKE THERE’S NO ONE BENEATH YOU HOW FUCKING INCONSIDERATE CAN YOU GET NO SERIOUSLY STOP BREATHING JUST STOP” over and over in my head.

I just want to sleep. It’s too late now. I need to stay awake until “bedtime” so I can keep my sleep going decently.

I just want to sleep.

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Vyvanse Day 13 (the day I took my meds two hours late and so here’s me talking about 100 different things)

700 AM: I didn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t take the pill until 9 which is sooo going to screw with my sleep patterns now. Fuck me.


Guys I was so freaking close to my own personal Friday the 13th. But alas, today is Thursday, the 13th day of medication and I am sad.

You know what’s weird? When people talk about how their skin is combination or normal or oily or dry, but no one ever clarifies what combination is. How can this combination skin cleanser be good for me if you don’t know my combination? I always thought that combination meant normal/dry. I used to say I had oily skin, but as of maybe last year I think I have combination oily/dry skin. My mom has normal/dry. I asked. Like, my skin on my cheeks will be dry and flaky as hell if I don’t take care of them, but the rest of my face will act like I rubbed bacon on my skin. WTF why is skin so weird?

I don’t have anything to do but I got up and put on makeup anyway. And, I mean, clothes. Like I usually put jeans on and don’t change out of my sleep shirt unless I am actually going somewhere, but this time I got real fully dressed, and put on makeup. Not that me putting on makeup is some massive deal because I don’t typically do more than a tinted moisturizer/bb cream, mascara, and eyeshadow that matches my clothes. I do have foundation, and primer, and a full stock of makeup, but I don’t like how long it takes to put it on so for my “normal” days I pick things that claim to be 10 in 1 items like BB creams. Plus, I have sensitive skin and most of the time I just want to even it out, not make it look perfect.

My F key isn’t working right. Most of the time I have to hit it 3+ times to get the letter F. I couldn’t see anything underneath it making it stick or not depress, so I did the magic air spray stuff? And that didn’t work so I just popped the key off altogether and there’s nothing there! It looks just like all the other keys. It’s not special, it’s not broken, but it sure is acting like it is.

Every time I eat I feel really nauseated afterward. Sometimes when I drink too. And I can’t lose anymore weight and that was supposed to be my secret blessing in disguise of medication. It makes me really sad and frustrated and a little angry that my stomach is rejecting any kind of sustenance, but it also won’t let me lose weight like a normal person who eats less when they are nauseated. Like, screw you stomach. I think it might have to do with my years of Gastritis misdiagnoses and fuck-ups before finally getting a hang of it. That was a mess.

I have nothing else to say so maybe I will post again once this day takes off more. But probably not. Maybe I’ll just talk about something else.

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Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

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Vyvanse Day 11

700 AM: This is terrible. Medication is terrible. Life is terrible.


Today is awful. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Getting up was awful but I refuse to get back in bed because I will never get back out. I might, you know, actually be sick or something, but I feel like blaming the Vyvanse. I hate everything. Complete like woke up on the wrong side of the bed day. I don’t even care how my brain might be slowing thoughts down or anything. Speed them up, slow them down, make them go in spirals, do whatever you want for all I care. I’m over it.

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Vyvanse Day 10 (Thank god these are numbered because I have no idea what day I’m on.)

700 AM: Okay. DO NOT move your meds closer to your bed because you’re more likely to take them. What happens is you take the pill, never get out of bed, and you never end up fully waking up and the pills won’t do it for you, they just sit there in your body like okay we can chill for a little bit and you’re in this half-awake state for over an hour. Make sure you have to get up and find the pills, on your desk, in your bathroom, something. That way you actually wake up and get the ball rolling. Holy crap. BAD NEWS BEARS GUYS BAD NEWS BEARS.


So I’m a spender. Money burns a hole in my pocket and I tend to hold on to checks and NOT deposit them until I need the money. Well, that worked out terribly for me today because I found out I have a negative balance because a purchase from like three weeks ago charged ~3 bucks more than what it said and I overdrew. I don’t think I have to deal with the $35 overdraft fee because my acct is a college “starter” acct that I just never switched over to a regular one (every time I go into they bank they ask about my classes and I tell them something like “Oh, it’s going slowly, you know, but still sticking to it!”)

But still the negative balance freaks me out so I have to go in today and fix that. Hey look new PROJECT to focus on guys! It’s like I really want to do something and when I have nothing to focus on I feel completely lost. Just wandering around all hey guys, what’s up, what’cha doing? Yeah? Nothing? Cool me too.

I feel like I’m bothering my family because I can’t keep myself entertained. I really wish I could just rush through this slow increase thing and get back to work, at least I would have something to do 4-5 days of the week. Something I could focus on. I bet I’d be fantastic at my job now.

Maybe not with the whole irritability thing; probably (definitely) not good for kids. Imagine a daycare teacher who is normally fun and playing on the floor with kids, suddenly starting a new medication and now she’s like “Ugh, Billy, stop bothering me. Seriously like get away, get out of my face. Oh my god, you want more water? Again?” That’s exaggerated but it’s how I feel with my family sometimes. It’s totally hit or miss too; there isn’t anything that triggers my irritability, it’s like, we’re talking and suddenly you’re super annoying right now go away.

That’s the total opposite of how you’re supposed to be. It’s also not how I usually am.

Alright, so I know that this is the best way to start Vyvanse in my specific case, but it is still slowly killing me to have nothing to do. Like that’s partly why I even restarted this blog. Well mostly why. Because then I realized I couldn’t find any personal update info on the drug and I decided I would do it. I would be the hero everyone needs!

Although I’m betting I’m still not giving important information people would want about it. But maybe you can just see how my posts change day by day and see how it’s affecting me. I’m just making this up as I go, who the heck knows.

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Cactus Toucher.

What is it about cactuses (cacti, sorry) that makes them so appealing to touch? Why do I have a compulsive urge to touch them? I always get hurt. Sometimes I even get one of the prickers in my finger because I touched too hard! You can’t touch the cactuses! YOU JUST CAN’T!

Erin Cactus

But I touch them every time. I can’t control myself. I guess I got lucky, because one time my ex gave me a grow your own cactus kit because I can’t keep things alive right? And cactuses don’t even need anything, you just water them when you remember and they keep on living!

Well I was never able to actually grow those cactuses. So maybe it’s good news because I’d always have bloody fingertips and cactus prickers all over me. Now I just have regular fingertips and no prickers but sometimes cat scratches because I don’t leave our cats alone. I bother them.

Don’t touch the cactus, don’t touch the pan-it’s hot, don’t walk across the street before looking-you’ll get yourself killed. 

It’s like they think I can’t take care of myself or something, so weird right.

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Vyvanse Day 9

700 AM: I put the alarm away from me so I’d have to get up to turn it off. THAT didn’t work. I just got up and turned it off and went back into bed. I didn’t take the pill until almost 8. Fuck. This is getting harder.


My weight loss has stalled, which is unfortunate (for me because I wanted to lose more) but really probably fortunate for my Dr. who will like that I didn’t drop 20 pounds on the baby dose. Eating is still hard though. It really does feel like I am forcing myself to eat. Sometimes I do the “Plug your nose so you can’t taste it and just swallow really quickly!” thing but that doesn’t overcome the nausea I feel after it’s all in me. I bought anti-nausea pills and I think that helps a bit, probably what’s keeping me eating AND not losing weight. Y’know. Because that’s not the end goal here. Being as skinny as I want. 😐

Me, misuse drugs? Never.

pillbody

I’d love to know where this picture comes from. I tried reverse searching it but the oldest hit was a site-crawler back in 2007 or something.

ANYWAY. I still have headaches out the wazoo. I’ve all but stopped drinking anything but water, and I drink a lot of it, so I don’t know if these pills just dehydrate me so freaking much that I’m still getting D-headaches or if they are actually just caused by the Vyvanse. Irritability is there. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve not even reached week 2 on this yet. Things can still change. I just really don’t like myself right now. Or anyone else for that matter. My family are practically saints for putting up with this.

I still feel this constant need to do something, work toward something. Right now I’m just kind of wandering around lost, like I don’t want to just be on the internet all the time, I don’t want to just watch TV, I need to know that I am headed toward something but I’m not. It doesn’t override the fact that I hate exercise though. Which isn’t good because my blood pressure has been hovering in the normal-high range and I might need an actual exercise plan in order to keep it down but also stay on Vyvanse.

Brain-wise, I’m definitely slower. I still kind of feel like my thoughts are all over the place but more and more, they’re getting to be complete thoughts and not just half-sentences I couldn’t finish because I thought of something else (related or not.) I don’t think I’m acting as spacey as I usually do, which is a good sign, a really good sign. It’s the sign that hey, you probably really did have ADD and this isn’t just another bad-ending way of tackling your depression/anxiety.

PLUS, there’s been heavy hints from my Dr. that fixing the ADD might make the depression go away altogether. It might not, it might be too late for me to completely be depression-free, but I do like the hope. I keep noticing my own personal signs of depression and I’m talking to them like like they’re an imaginary friend, like “Hey, hey you LACK OF MOTIVATION, you’re going to go away soon. HAH SUCK IT.” and sometimes “HEY, hey you FEELING OF GUILT AND EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD, yeah, oh yeah that’s gonna be a thing of the past. SUCKKKK IT!”

I might even be able to develop coping skills for my anxiety once there isn’t the weight of twelve brains shoved into my one little head. Who knows?! I’m on a new planet called, uhh, Glarin’ Erin 2.0, and we have no idea what’s going to be there.

Galaxyquest-is-there-air-gif

Confession: I had to change my whole last line to get that Galaxy Quest reference in there. The things we do for love.

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Vyvanse Day 8 (I feel like a toddler)

700 AM: You can probably guess where this is going. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the Vyvanse, because I have always been the type of person who sets an alarm and I can get up and get going, no questions asked. Suddenly, I set an alarm to get up and it is getting increasingly more difficult to actually get up. It’s the worst (physical) part of depression for me; the inability to get out of bed and do anything. Maybe a sleep quality issue? I don’t know. Something to make not of and ask Dr.


So, title says it all. I feel like a fucking toddler. The frustration of not getting what I want is killing me and making me behave like I’m a child. Frustration has moved up the rankings as something that I am not able to tolerate. Especially since it has changed the way I react to it. I need to regain more control over my emotions and, you know, act like a fucking adult about shit.

I can make the comparison to my own anxiety reactions. Everything I was ever anxious about — from the teeniest tiniest things to real valid worries — I typically overreacted to. I knew I was overreacting but I couldn’t control it. People around me learned that I could acknowledge that this was stupid, this was not something anyone would even pick up on their radar as a worry, but here I was practically in tears over it.

My new-found frustrations feel a hell of a lot like that. I completely understand and acknowledge that this is stupid, why am I getting upset or angry about this, I don’t freaking know but I need to leave the room because I am literally ready to walk out of the house and not come back.

I mean, talk about a fucking overreaction. This isn’t some deal-breaker event, no life-changing, ethics-challenging circumstance where I would be dumping a fiancé over it. We’re talking about small-medium (smedium?) inconvenience where I’ve been trying to get to the bank for a week to score a huge discount on my contacts. And that is important, because I don’t make much and insurance doesn’t cover my contacts and contacts are ridiculously expensive.

But it is NOT worth feeling so frustrated that I want to just walk away from everything. That is a significant change in my own style, one that I need to keep an eye on because that could be a major mood side effect (one that takes you off of Vyvanse), or it could just be “irritability”, which is normal and fine and goes away.

I think I need to take like a kickboxing class or something, for stress relief or maybe just so I can hit things. A punching bag… I have no room for a punching bag. That’d be nice though. I bet I’d have great arms.

For Your Viewing Pleasure, I Present: Glarin’ Erin Toddler Sad

Me Sad Fixed

I took the picture with my iphone, so I tried to clean it up a bit, but it was taken with a disposable camera to begin with, so it’s not easy to fix. Personally, I think the red-eye I removed made me look even more pitiful. So here’s all three: Fully fixed, Fixed with red-eye, and original.

Me sad ALL

Click for full size, reaaaaally get all the details 😉

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Hospitals suck, too.

time-92897_640

TICK FUCKING TOCK

My dad was in the hospital with something with his heart (I ain’t no doctor) and it’s fine, it’s (going to be) okay, but god hospitals and doctors can stress you out like none other. Especially when they tell you around Noon, “oh the doctor will be in really soon, so we can get you released” and he never actually arrives until 630pm. I couldn’t believe it.

Like I know, doctors have to prioritize and people come in and suddenly he can’t come talk to us because he has to deal with this emergency. I know it. It just fucking sucks. We’re getting charged the longer he stays here and it’s the hospital’s fucking fault that we were there an extra 6 and a half fucking hours.

Insurance or not, hospitals are fucking expensive.

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