Monthly Archives: February 2015

I am not a YouTube personality, sorry.

Someone left me a comment saying that I should basically re-do all my blog posts in video format so they can watch them on YouTube. I deleted the comment because that’s dumb, but it did give me something to talk about.

I sat in bed thinking about why I didn’t start a vlog or something. I thought about all the people I do watch on YouTube. I’ve got JennaMarbles, Laina, Superfruit, various music channels (including Superfruit’s own PENTATONIX, ahhhhh), and makeup channels. Even the makeup channels I sub to aren’t all about makeup. Ingrid Nilsen, Grav3yardgirl, Madeyewlook. They each do things other than “here is how to apply eye shadow”.

And so if you ignore the music channels, you’d see that everyone I subscribe to is a charismatic person. They can talk to the camera. They are engaging. They have a personality that shows up on camera.

I do not.

I am a quiet, soft-spoken person. And sure, I could create a persona that shows up on camera, but I’m not an actress, and I’m sure that it wouldn’t be very consistent. You’d be able to tell that I was faking something.

I feel like the majority of my personality comes out as me being sarcastic about something. I’m not saying I have no personality, but I just think it doesn’t work well unless we are in person. On camera I’m sure I would fall flat, because I am quiet, I take a long time to form actual sentences, and I’m not concise. Hell, you can tell that just from my posts. If I get careless or I’m venting or I just plain don’t feel like properly editing, everything becomes a run-on sentence. Or it’s off topic. Or it’s a long-winded explanation of something incredibly simple.

Every one of my blog posts could probably turn into a 20 minute video instead of the 5-7 minute video it needs to be. People aren’t going to watch me! I wouldn’t even watch me. I get bored and distracted during half of the videos I do watch. Sometimes I watch a video 3-4 times just to actually see the whole thing because I started thinking about other things and forgot I was watching a video.

On another note, while I was thinking about this, I kind of feel like the time to get in on YouTube ended in 2012. I don’t think I could realistically start a channel now and have it gain any kind of popularity because there’s so much saturation now. That, combined with my non-YouTube personality? I’d just get lost in the crowd and my messages would never be heard. I feel like, at least this way people can scan and read what they want. Everything’s tagged, so if you don’t want to read about my life other than the medications, you can do that. Like, I try to make it as easy as possible for people to get only the content they want out of my blog. There are some random regular life stories on here, and they are in their own category, completely separate from the Vyvanse/Mental Health categories. You can’t really skim through a YouTube video of someone talking about how meds are affecting them.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I’m on a blog because I don’t have the charisma or patience to be on camera. Think Easy A’s webcam portions, but with her unintentionally looking way more bored about it.

guillaumes of ojai

PS did you guys catch this in Easy A? Guillaume’s of Ojai = Frederick’s of Hollywood? I burst out laughing in the theatre when I saw it and I was the only one. I guess it didn’t help that I lived (still live) in a small town but I grew up in LA. People know what Frederick’s is in LA.

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My Sister Turned 18 and My Carpal Tunnel Came Back

Yesterday my sister turned 18. She’s 18. She’s fucking 18. I can’t handle that. I mean, I’m freaking out like mad, I can only imagine how my parents feel. My parents have two adults. I mean, my sister’s still in high school, but still. Two whole legal adults.

My sister isn’t really doing anything with her life and I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in a way. I was the big sister, I was the one she looked up to, got jealous of, etc. And I made mistake after mistake and I was a big fuckup for a few years. I don’t really consider myself a fuckup now, but I’m moving (my life) at a much slower pace than I feel I should be and… I don’t know, it’s like I’m not setting a good example for her. She never applied to any colleges, she’s never had a job, we have no idea if we’re even going to be in this state by the next “school year”… I don’t know why that part matters but it feels like it fits in.

I know… I know, ultimately, that she has to take control of her own life and I can’t hold myself responsible for what she’s doing, but… hell I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

I guess, I just knew growing up that I was heralded as this amazing child (She’s so smart! She’s going to a great college! She’s _______ and ________ and wonderful, yay Erin!) and my sister had to live in my shadow for a while. She was very different from me from the start and we were (…still are…) 6+ years apart so it’s not like she should have been expected to be anything like me. Her entire growing up experience was different than mine. I  think that’s what we bond over the most, having different experiences and being able to talk about them, teach them to each other, laugh over what we do have in common. But still I feel I let her down. When I started fucking up, maybe she saw that I wasn’t this golden child, I wasn’t perfect and maybe she took it the wrong way. instead of seeing that nobody was perfect, she saw that if I couldn’t do something, how on earth could she?

I’m speculating. I’m assuming a lot and I obviously don’t know what she is thinking and I’m kind of assuming negative thoughts instead of positive thoughts in her mind. I mean, that’s pretty presumptuous of me and kind of rude I think. (Duh, that’s like half of what presumptuous means. Just pretend I wanted to really drive home that I’m being an asshole right now.)

I don’t know. I guess… I just feel like I’ve screwed up a major part of my life and I don’t want her to think that I’m anyone to model their life after, like if I couldn’t handle something then she shouldn’t even try. Because she should. She comes home every week with some story that I’m so jealous of and I tell her every time. She actually comes home every day but I meant that there’s at least one story every week. I just don’t feel like re-writing any of my sentences right now, as you can tell, because I wouldn’t have to explain every other sentence like I am. Instead, they’d just be clear. But they’re not, and it’s hard typing with a brace on your hand[1], and I don’t feel like re-typing things.

At the same time, I also feel like I’m setting her up for failure by comparing her life to mine when I was her age. Who cares that I had a summer job before I was 18? Who cares that I had gotten into “good” colleges? That’s not her life. She might have something else planned for her life that I don’t even know about. Maybe when she graduates she’s planning on getting a job. Maybe she plans to take a year off to figure out what she wants to do. Maybe she has some ideas but simply hasn’t figured out how to implement them just yet.

Maybe she has nothing. I really hope that’s not true.

[1] Like the title says, my carpal tunnel came back. It’s hard to avoid when you spend so much freaking time on the computer typing like a maniac and you still haven’t gotten any of the cushion mousepads or keyboard rests. I bring this on myself, but it’s stupid because it’s fucking painful and it’s really simple to correct given that I know exactly how mine develops.

carpalbrace

I don’t know why I felt the need to take a picture to prove it to you guys. It’s a weird picture too. I had to bend my arm funny just to get the whole thing in the shot, and the logo is right on top of the brace so it looks like a strange ad. I couldn’t twist my arm in a way to hide it. It looks like I’m going hey here’s my brace made by MUELLER, for carpal tunnel that I TOTALLY HAVE GUYS and this is in no way a plug for MUELLER braces MUELLER MUELLER MUELLER.

PS the brace isn’t so hot anyway, its the smallest one they have and it’s still too big on me so the pinky-finger side rubs and is really bothersome.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 1

Alright, so it’s been a week since my last update. I ended on a Sunday so I guess I’m going these on Sundays now. Hmm…

So things have been okay. Twice this week I’ve found myself pacing around my room because the people upstairs have been so freaking noisy that I’m so tense and worked up and I can’t calm down. It’s awful. I never know when they’re going to drop something or the kid starts screaming or whatever, si I’m just always on edge and I can’t handle it without some backup it seems.

I’m 99% sure this has nothing to do with the Vyvanse I’m on. Previously I’ve been on tons of anti-depressants, which almost always double as anti-anxiety. I’m no longer on any of those, I just have my twice a day as needed Klonopin, which doesn’t last as long as I need it to. Definitely need to talk to Dr. about that.

I’m also finding that my stomach pains are coinciding with this sort of fuzzy/fogginess in my head. I think it’s the Vyvanse effects wearing off. I’m not sure. I mean, I know I start sort of slipping and losing focus, I can tell exactly when the Vyvanse is wearing off, but I can’t figure out why that would affect my stomach. You’d think that the stomach pain would be from digesting the medicine, so it’d happen maybe 30 mins-2 hours after taking the pill, but no. It’s very weird. But I also have a history of stomach issues, so it could just be me and my stomach behaves differently. It’s also not intolerable, so it’s not like I’m writhing on the floor in pain like my prior stomach issues, but… I don’t know. new-girl-gif-sad-sigh-compliment-insecure

I can’t decide if the side effects are worth it yet. I also feel very strongly that I haven’t been on it long enough to see how long they will even last. Most people have side effects for a couple weeks, and that’s it, but I’m incredibly sensitive to medications so I know I need a longer period of “the side effect waiting game” before I say okay, this isn’t going to work.

I feel like there was more but I can’t remember it now. Sorry. I’ll either amend this post or update again later if I remember anything.

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Deal with it.

My sister can turn almost any sentence you say into a Spongebob reference. She gets that from my dad, this ability to be quick-thinking and spit out some reference. My Dad does it with music. We’ve grown up around this stuff, so there are plenty of times where I can also blurt out a song reference while someone is talking. The most common one in our family I think, is

Person A: Will you take me—

Person B: DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY?

Person A: down to the store to…sigh

Person B: WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN?

Person A: incoherent mumbling, probably profanities stuck in there too

Person B: AND THE GIRLS ARE PRETTY?

But god, we do it with all kinds of songs. Most recently my sister was was talking and I (jokingly) called her a liar and she was like noooooo it’s true! And I said “ARE YOUR LIPS MOVING? THEN YOU LIE LIE LIE.”

That really got her because she “secretly” loves Meghan Trainor. I say “secretly” with quotes because she only wanted her family to know her guilty pleasure but she’s totally got that involuntary be-bopping to music she likes, she she ends up like

insta

insta

Hehehehehe.

Speaking of this movie (Dreamworks’ Home, it’s got Jim Parsons and I love him), I am super excited to see it. I’m incredibly lucky that I have a family that enjoys kids movies/shows even as adults. We go see all kinds of new kids movies. It’s great because I have some friends who either roll their eyes at me like “grow up and see adult movies” which is stupid because I like regular movies made for grown-ups, too; I also have friends that enjoy kids movies but their parents are like why haven’t you grown out of this crap yet. I feel bad for them. I also kind of feel bad for their parents. Like, lighten up! What’s wrong with watching silly things? No one is saying that ______________ random kids movie is the ultimate most amazing movie #1 better than any movie whose target audience isn’t kids.

They’re just fun and silly and we like to laugh. Suck it.

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It’s Freaking Ash Wednesday Already. I missed everything.

I accidentally ended up on twitter an hour ago and I found out it’s Ash Wednesday. I saw it in the trending section. My thoughts were as follows:

“Ash Wednesday? It’s not Ash Wednesday yet, I don’t get it.”

“It’s Ash Wednesday, holy shit.”

“Wait that means I missed Mardi Gras, that’s so sad!” (Not that it’s anything celebrated in my town. But I like to acknowledge it, I guess.)

“Ohhh, that’s why Rio Carnival was happening, I thought that was really early.”

“At least Easter’s not in March this year, I hate that.”

This is what happens when I’m not outside. Even when I spend all day inside, on the internet, I NEVER know when holidays are. If I am not out, doing things, I lose complete track of when holidays are. It’s so weird. I’m… I’m like completely sort-of “narrow-minded” on the internet, I don’t stray from my regular sites, and so I never come across people talking about what day it is. Even Google today. I couldn’t even count on Google to tell me what day it was. You know the Google Doodles that tell you something special about that day. Today’s is Google Doodle Ash Wednesday

Alessandro Volta’s 270th birthday. Which is cool and all, but it didn’t tell me what today was. And now I feel like an oblivious idiot because everything was going on around me and I’m just sitting here like “la la la,  ooh, fun internet, nothing to do, paint my nails, waiting on these pills to make my brain settle, all about me, la la la la la laaaaa!”

I mean, it’s not like I even celebrate this stuff. My grandma is catholic, my mom is… well she was last baptized Mormon I believe… and I have no idea what denomination my dad is. My point is that no one in my family (that we associate with [I can’t believe I actually said that but the family drama on my mom’s AND dad’s side… yeesh]) actually goes to church or actually associates themselves as being anything other than “Christian”, and for my dad, sister and I even that is pushing it. The three of us are literally only “Christian” in that we happen to celebrate those holidays. I think my dad half-believes in God and all that, but my sister and I don’t, currently. So it’s really a matter of which holidays do we want to celebrate, which holidays do we want to give presents during when we have kids… etc.

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It’s been a long road to today (It’s also been a long post, sorry.)

I know I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of this, but let me tell you my story here, in one place.

I was never thought of as an ADD/ADHD kid. I got fantastic grades with no problem. I never did my homework and I still passed with flying colors. Teachers generally liked me. It was nothing like you see on TV. At home, I was easy and pretty much kept to myself. My parents always tell me that I was an easy kid, and they were like “Babies, kids? We can totally handle this!” and then they had my sister who cried all the time, and was generally a difficult kid to raise.

He he heh heh he hehehe 🙂

I like to think I was secretly being the best baby/child ever to trick them. (That can’t be true, I vehemently insisted on not getting a baby brother or sister. But if we ignore that little part…)

When I went off to college, things started falling apart. I was having trouble dealing with personal issues, as well as the pressure of college and adjusting to a big university. I dropped out before finishing the first year. But, I went back to the town because I had a boyfriend, and I had my friends, and it was a college town, so even if I didn’t do school in a typical fashion, I could still work and start my life. That didn’t work out too well for me either, considering there were all of 12 jobs for 30,000 students. I also still struggled with my past and not using it against my boyfriend. I was acting very neurotic. I mean, I am kind of neurotic, so it was really just a more extreme version of me. Still, it really surprised everyone when I tried to kill myself.

My first diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder.

After that, I got something I don’t remember the name of. Hah! But basically, she said that it’s possible I had a sort of break from reality and I didn’t understand what I was doing, or the consequences of what I was doing. That one is definitely not true. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just fucked up by “breaking up” with my boyfriend beforehand in order to tie up loose ends. I didn’t realize he was going to come over right away and try to work things out with me… which meant he found me and, well, saved my life.

I found a new psych and we moved on to General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, PTSD, Panic Disorder… That’s all the paperwork I have at my disposal it seems, but there are gaps in there so I know there were more diagnoses I can’t remember.

For once, being told I have ADD instead of just being called flaky and spacey and off in her own world… that made sense. But it also meant that getting to the heart of my depression and anxiety would be harder. It’s kind of like I’m a large Venn Diagram, where the center of it just says “crazy”.

Okay, I’m kidding about the crazy part, but if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t get through my own life. The Venn Diagram thing is real though, it’s sort of how you can have multiple similar diagnoses. Like, you fit everything for MDD, but you also have strange panicky things and mood swings SPECIFICALLY when you have a major change in your life? That’s how MDD and Adjustment Disorder can mix. Psychology is a fucking mess.

I realize now I have no idea how to end this!

So, I guess, for those of you out there reading this and thinking you might fall into one or more categories I just mentioned, please talk to someone. Schools have counselors. There are free clinics all over the place. I personally go to a free/reduced clinic, because I can’t afford a personal practice psych. It might take longer to get an appropriate diagnosis, but it’s so worth it. Just knowing that someone out there can tell you what you have is real, what you feel is completely normal given your diagnosis, etc. It’s made me cry on many occasions. It’s such a relief. Please get help.

Some resources I’ve used (because I tend to research my brains out and so maybe don’t overdo it on the research…)

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What now?

I re-started this blog with a purpose. I wanted personal experiences from people on Vyvanse, I wanted their stories, I wanted their daily life and what to expect. I couldn’t find anything outside of “I’ve been on Vyvanse for ____ weeks/months/years and I love it/I hated it” or whatever. And so I said fine, I’ll be that guinea pig and write my own experiences for other people.

Now I don’t know what to write. I’ve given you all the first month, and it’s simply not realistic to think anyone would write about what they experience on a medication every day for a whole year. I planned to do something like weekly updates as things progress and then maybe slow down even more. But now it’s like, what else is there even to talk about.

Everything else in this blog is literally just random thoughts in my mind while I had wordpress pulled up. I never had a real plan I guess for when my Vyvanse “series” would slow down. I feel like I should still be here, talking about this, but I no longer know what to give people.

That’s it, I guess. I’ll figure something out, even if it means adding posts and pretending they were up before they were.

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Vyvanse Day 30

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, fall back asleep. Ack! Inconsistency bothers me.


I think I wake up in a bad mood a lot because I’m mad at myself for not staying up after taking my pill. It’s like it’s not even me, because I do it all half-asleep so I don’t even realize I’m crawling back into bed. How annoying!

Today marks 1 full month of being on Vyvanse. (I say one full month because the prescriptions come in 30 dose pill bottles. That’s my marker.) I am still feeling very mixed about it. I like the good things that happen. I like that I can definitely notice a change in how my brain is working. I like that I am going slower and I can put focus into anything I want.

I don’t like the side effects, but they’re not bad enough (for me) to stop Vyvanse altogether. They’re annoying, but I haven’t been on a dosage for long enough to see if my body will adjust to it, so I don’t want to stop. I also don’t like that while I can put my full focus and attention into anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making good decisions. For example, if I were in high school, I would be able to focus completely on my homework and actually do it. (I never did homework in high school. I got A’s without HW.) But that doesn’t mean I would make the decision to DO the homework. I might choose to put my focus on reading, or cleaning, or basically anything else.

I suppose that’s really more of an Erin problem, though. I think I might have expected too much out of my medication, like it would magically make me want to do important grown-upy things, and that’s just not the case. Or maybe it would just be easier to tell if I’m gaining all the benefits if I were in school, or some setting where you can actually see improvement. Like sure I think my brain works better with this, but I don’t know if I’m even using it to it’s potential so…

I guess that’s something that has more to do with… hmphhh I can’t think right now. Like self-worth? It’s something that I’m going to have to work on in therapy, rather than something that can be fixed with a pill. I guess I have to MAKE the decisions to do something, to better myself in some way, and ADD medication is only clearing my brain out to see what’s wrong. It’s not going to make the depression go away, it’s just going to make me…

I’m so incoherent right now. I can’t think off the words I want or even what I want to convey.

My final point is, I guess I was so excited to try an alternative-backdoor method for my depression/anxiety that I never considered the part where I’m still going to have to go to therapy to deal with, you know, myself.

I’m going to end this with an old picture of my kitty sleeping with her tongue out. She’s so black that you can’t make out her features unless you fiddle with lighting settings, making her fur look brown instead.

kittytongue

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Vyvanse Day 29

700 AM: Sitting in car, already awake. Sister pointed out that my alarm was going off since I couldn’t hear it in my purse. Dropping madre off at airport around 730-745. The mall doesn’t open until 10 (wtf?) so we have a couple hours to kill. Went to Denny’s.


I haven’t been in a Denny’s for over 10 years I think. The menu’s have changed since I last saw them. Finally got to the mall and went practically straight into the Sephora (which isn’t a full one, it’s a Sephora in JcPenney’s). I got a new moisturizer that I think is really going to help clear up my skin and make me a model. People will look at me and be like, oh yeah, she’s a model, just look at that moisturized skin.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at an appropriate time for the first time in several weeks. I felt stuffed even though I barely ate anything. And then I was just feeling annoyed all day. But the sephora lady was nice. I liked her. She even helped me “diagnose” my mother’s skin without my mom being there and gave me some samples for her to try. I really liked her.

Other than that, I felt like even though it was early and there weren’t a lot of people around, I kept managing to be in the way or other people were just standing there oblivious to being in my way. I don’t know, it’s fairly normal I think but it seemed soooooo much worse today. Like everyone was trying to be bothersome. Sometimes, I swear, I’m just so irritable and annoyed. Just up to 100 all the fucking time. Like I’m in my terrible two’s again! If something is not completely going my way then I am just so frustrated and upset.

I mean, I was never a completely easy-going person to begin with, but I have never been this irritable/annoyed all the time. Before, it could almost always be tied to anxiety somehow. I’m annoyed because plans changed and I don’t know what’s going on now, I’m annoyed because I can’t predict something, I’m annoyed because other people are making me late and I like to be early, etc.

Now, it’s like I’m just being bitchy. I hate that! But I can’t turn it off, it’s just how I feel, and I can’t even warn people because I have no idea if I’m going to be feeling that way or if I’m going to feel great. It’s terrible.

No stomach pain today though. I do have a headache but it developed throughout the day and I think it’s because I was so tense over being around other people. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I haven’t said anything about my brain feelings lately, and it’s because it hasn’t changed that much. I still feel like I am thinking smoother, clearer, but I’m also still smashing my words together and stumbling over sentences. I don’t know if that’s an ADD thing or an Erin thing. I mean, I always said it’s because whenever I talk, I’m already thinking 100 sentences ahead, so everything becomes jumbled or lost completely and I stop talking mid-sentence and everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t know. Sounds like ADD. Sounds like brain speed is too fast. Maybe I’m actually just an idiot though.

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Vyvanse Day 28 (FRIDAY THE 13th WHAAAT)

700 AM: Hit alarm, turn them all off in your sleep, wake up for real around 9. UCK.


This is ridiculous! I feel like I can’t control my body. I can’t wake up and take the pill at the time I need to in order to be able to sleep when I need to.

Luckily, I actually HAVE to leave at 530 AM tomorrow to take my mother to the airport, so no matter what I will be awake when my pill alarm goes off. I’ve already stashed a pill in my purse so I don’t even have to remember to grab the bottle or stick one in my pocket or anything. I AM PREPARED. Maybe tomorrow will sort of “reset” me so I can get back on schedule? Maybe? Probably not. But maybe.

Girl Scout cookies are here! They have been for a few days now but I’m only just thinking about it because I ate an entire box of Tagalongs throughout yesterdaaaaay. That’s 950 calories. I felt like I was stuffing myself to the brim every time I ate one but they’re only around once a year! I HAD TO. I HAD NO CHOICE!

GSC

These are NOT the same boxes I used to sell. Also 4 bucks a box? Shit’s getting expensive!

Haha, but really though. I don’t know why I did it. That’s not really me. Fortunately I’ve got it out of my system, so I can buy a couple more boxes before they go and eat them like normal. Three-four boxes, eat a cookie now and then. That usually lasts me until summer. And then I’m sad because I have to wait to buy more cookies.

Last night my stomach was killing me. The only thing that felt comfortable was lying on the floor. Seriously guys, if you fuck up your meds and you deal with the “upper abdominal pain” side effect, that crap can get HORRIBLE. This is a major warning to anyone on Vyvanse.

I’ve also got a serious headache, I think it’s from yesterday being on 60mg and today only my prescribed 30mg. I’m just so stupidly sensitive to medications. My body revolts at the tiniest thing. I’m betting many people on Vyvanse do not go through as much as I do because their bodies do not act like WHINY LITTLE BABIES. Finally, I’ve also got major irritability going on right now. I’m glad no one is home at the moment because I don’t even want to hear anyone. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to hear them, like, just get out go do something and leave me alone.

I feel really bad about my… “up-down-sideways-backwards” -ness with my family. I can’t even control it. Thankfully, it’s supposed to go away once you’ve reached your optimal dosage, and everything just sort of evens out and goes back to normal. You know, with the upside of fixing your problems.

Of course, that’s just what is supposed to happen, because if it doesn’t any you stay wild and crazy, then this isn’t the medication for you and that would be so devastating to me because I am completely at my wits end. I am almost out of options here. So I am really, really rooting for this to be helping me. And I know it’s doing something, because I can “feel” my brain changing how it thinks and how I process information, so I’m hoping that that is a good sign and not just the normal “well duh, it’s an amphetamine of course you feel that way.”  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it.

The End.

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