A letter to the Bathroom Police

One of the biggest “trivial”[note] transgender issues I see all the time is bathroom stuff. Which bathroom to use, how there should be better accommodations for trans people and public restrooms. I have always found this so bizarre. I mean, I’m in my 20s now. I’ve been to many a public restroom (even though I don’t like it and prefer to wait until I get home.) If we say that I used a public bathroom (PB from now on) about 3 times a week since starting school, that means I’ve been in a PB 2,964 times in my life. And that’s most likely a low estimate. That’s including school restrooms, malls, stores, etc.

There have been a few times where I walked into the men’s PB because the ladies was down and everyone was being redirected there temporarily. There have been times where I just couldn’t find the ladies because it was located NOT directly near the men’s, so I went into the men’s anyway. There have been even more times where men have just walked into the ladies room. You know what we all did? Glance up, maybe give a look saying “Huh, that’s ballsy/impressive/etc.” and went back to washing our hands… because that’s the only reason you even see the guy walking in. Nobody said anything. Nobody did anything. Nobody screamed and went “AAAUUUGGGHHH THERE’S A BOY IN THE BATHROOM OH MY GOD SOMEONE CALL SECURITY!”

insta002

Yeah this? Neeeeeeever happened.

What makes now so different? I understand that some people might be uncomfortable if they saw someone of the opposite gender in the bathroom, but who the hell cares? Men walking into “my” bathroom has happened many times in my life, and they just waltzed in to do their thing. They never made a big deal, we never made a big deal, end of story right?

Wrong.

Because apparently, more and more people are getting upset over a perceived “wrong gendered” person walking into their bathroom. I’m sorry, but since when did this become an issue? IT’S A BATHROOM FOR GOD’S SAKE. Who cares who’s in it? “Oh, but Erin, if a guy is in the ladies he can get creepy and be a sex offender or something!” THAT CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME, ANYWAY. If a guy wants to be a creep, he’s gonna be a creep regardless of whether you let anyone into any bathroom. That’s his problem. He’s a creep. Forcing someone out of the bathroom because you don’t think they belong in there isn’t going to stop a creep from being a creep! You’re just stopping a poor person who needs to pee from using the bathroom! What is wrong with you people?!

I’m not transgender. I have a few friends who are, but my experience with transgender bathroom issues is limited to stories and those episodes of Degrassi with Adam using the bathroom. Maybe some people are exaggerating how often it happens, but I sure as hell believe it’s at least based in truth, especially with this article that came out just two days ago (March 3 2015).

Why is it that whenever I enter a men’s room nobody gives me a hard time, nobody ejects me out of the room, but if a trans person does they get beaten like hell over it? And why is it that when a man enters the ladies (when I’m in there) nobody does anything, but if they’re trans suddenly it’s scream time and they get forced out and yelled at by the bathroom police (if not also attacked)?

I mean, this is just so completely baffling to me. There are so many issues out there that you can be getting angry about, but you’re getting mad that (you think) the wrong person has entered your bathroom?

I’m sorry, there was an actual point/end to this post, but I got caught up in angry-mode on why I can use a guys bathroom no problem (I mean no harassment, anything) but if someone is assumed to be trans suddenly there are issues.

So I guess this awkwardly ends this post. No resolution, just a girl wondering why you crazy bathroom police are arguing over someone using “your” bathrooms instead of fighting bigger issues like I dunno, homelessness, employment issues, violence+gang violence, medical care…

Although, I suppose you bathroom police don’t really care about those issues, either? Just the ones that let you tell other people who they are and how to conform to your standards.

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[note] I say trivial in the sense that we’re not talking about plain old harassment or bullying, or any of the major issues that trans people have to deal with on a regular basis, internally or externally. This is just “crap, I have to pee, which bathroom is going to be my best bet today”. And even then I understand how something as simple as going to the bathroom can be such an agonizing internal debate for many trans people. Thus, the reason of my post.

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Vyvanse Mid-Week Update: Appointment Day!

So, I went to the Dr. appointment today. It went pretty smoothly, like it usually does. My blood pressure was even down to normal, 118/82, which was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I’ve been dealing with years of “high-normal / pre-hypertension” readings ever since my meds went all wonky on me and I started swapping. Huge, huge plus for me.

I talked to her about my concerns with my irritability and my anxiety feeling out of control. Basically, she told me exactly what the internet told me; that my body[1] is metabolizing the Vyvanse too quickly, and we need to up it. She said that if it still happens and my dosage feels fine in all other aspects, that’s when we would switch to twice a day pills. Another Vyvanse point: she said that while the side effects should calm down and even out like normal, there is a good chance that they will never go away, so now we’re praying that the irritability smooths itself out enough to let me keep a normal job.

With the anxiety, I told her that I’ve never been on something that doesn’t have the added benefit of being an anti-anxiety. She was hoping that the Vyvanse would take away a major portion of it, since a lot of my anxiety stems from my own brain feeding off of itself. That doesn’t seem to be the case. So now I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. I’ve been on Zoloft before, but it was right in the beginning when I was suicidal and severely depressed and it didn’t work, at all. However, there wasn’t really any focus on my anxiety, so now we’re trying this to see if it can sort of dampen everything and bring me back down to a manageable level.

Total cost of everything? $4.00. THANK YOU MEDICAID. Medicaid has been a complete lifesaver for me. Before, when I was totes poor, I still managed to not qualify for Medicaid. Now, after the restructure, I qualify and I am nothing but thrilled.

FullSizeRender

I mean freaking look at that! Especially the Vyvanse, 257 bucks just for one months worth. That’s insane. I am incredibly lucky to qualify for assistance because I wouldn’t be on anything right now without it.

It makes me wonder how the hell other people are doing it. I mean, I’m poor. I always have been, and my career choice isn’t promising to get me out of being poor. I can only imagine how people who are middle-class (ish) and don’t qualify for assistance are managing. I mean, insurance is expensive. I was prepared to simply pay the fine for not having it before medicaid accepted me, because paying the fine each year was cheaper than paying for monthly insurance. It’s insane, that’s all I can say. Anyone who is struggling right now with medical shit and are caught in that limbo of “don’t qualify for assistance, can’t pay for insurance either”… I feel for you. There’s got to be a better way.

But now I’m veering into politics and I don’t really want to voice my opinions on that stuff just yet.

[1] For whatever reason, since it doesn’t apply to everyone and there isn’t a known factor on why certain bodies behave this way.

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Whoever told the internet that you could foil your own hair no problem is making a lot of money.

Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL HAIRSTYLIST/HAIR-COLORIST. Everything in this post is based on my own 10 years of hair-dying experience. DO NOT go directly from this post to the store, do more research if you plan on “professionally” dying your own hair. Be prepared to fuck up. I’m serious. Be prepared for something to go wrong, and you either accept it or head to the salon for a fixin’. 

So I was doing something pretty “basic” to my own hair. I say basic because I was not highlighting my entire head, and most of what I was doing was getting covered by hair anyway. A bit of a twist on peek-a-boo highlights. So on the crown of my head, I had created a star shape. Twist it out of the way, and outline the star in pale blonde. (My next step was to dye the whole thing red, I haven’t done it yet.)

But that’s it, just outline the star in foils. Ohohohohohohoooooooo, no, not so simple. Even after watching videos, and reading pages and pages of step by step tutorials, I come to the realization that this is nigh impossible to do on your own head! Holy crap. But I’d already started, so I needed to finish it. I’m just lucky I had picked something that was getting covered up anyway, because if I was trying to actually highlight my hair with foils I would have been in deep shit, and I would have needed to go to a salon to fix it.

DO NOT take the internet’s word for it. They will tell you it is simple enough, but it is NOT. The foils move, if your hair is long enough you’ll have a surprising amount of trouble fitting the rest of it on the foil (which will cause the foil to move), even with mirrors you can’t see the back of your head well enough to do something as simple as an outline.

It took me so long, I ended up taking some foils out before they were finished because even though the ends had not reached the right color, my hair was going to fall out. I know my old box bleach maximum time was something like 90 minutes, but this was 60 minutes and I had left it in longer than that just trying to finish all the foils in the first place. I didn’t even end up getting them right.

It’s not like this is my first foray into “professional” style hair dying. I’ve got a couple of box hair dyes left over for emergency fixes, but for a few years now most of my hair dying has been me at Sally’s, picking out colors and bottles of developer, etc. I’ve even done strange patterns where you follow “Zone 1” “Zone 2″ Zone 3”, and each zone is a different shade. I’m pretty experienced with this (without being an actual hairstylist) because mostly I don’t care what my hair looks like. I have been blessed with a skintone that will accept nearly every shade of hair, and when things get funky looking (I once had a blonde go wrong and left me with bright orange hair and white roots. Yep), I just keep them and say whatever now I look edgy and bad-ass as hell.

SO WITH THAT BEING SAID, here are my friendly tips:

  1. IF you are going to be attempting highlights (foil or not) skip the bleach. Bleach works fast, it’s easy to screw up, and after you bleach you need a toner on top. Unless you were going for highlights that are yellow… weirdo. :/
  2. In place of bleach, pick out a blonde that fits your skintone AS WELL AS fits your current hair (light ash, light golden, light neutral, etc.) You’re going to walk into Sally’s (or your local beauty supply store) and pick out little boxes of color. Some are creme, some are liquid. They will look something like this.

    Hair Dye examples

  3. Part 1: Next grab a bottle of developer. Try to use the same brand as the box of color you picked. They’re made to work with each other, so use the same brand as much as possible. It’s certainly okay to use a different brand if you really want to/need to, but if you can, just don’t even bother. Another note: NEVER NEVER EVER mix two different brands of developer together. I DON’T CARE IF THEY SAY THEY ARE THE SAME VOLUME. You cannot guarantee they are the same formulation, and why bother risking it on your hair? Anyway, developer looks like this.

    developer volumes
    Part 2: Okay so you see how they say different volumes? That does not refer to how much is inside the bottle. Instead, it means how much color will lift out of your hair, and how quickly. 10 Vol means it will be lifting almost nothing and pretty much just depositing color. Perfect for if you are going darker, nothing else. I’ll give some examples for novice hair dyers.

    1. Say you are a natural light blonde, and you want some platinum highlights. If you used a 40 Vol developer, you hair will lighten so quickly you might not be done highlighting the rest of your hair! In this example, I would recommend using a 20 or 30 Vol developer. It will lift your hair to your desired level, but slowly enough to let you get through your whole process.
    2. Say you are a natural medium brunette, and you want some natural looking highlights. If you used a 40 Vol developer, it would get you there quickly, but probably too quickly. At this volume, you risk unknowingly leaving it in your hair too long, and you will be left with strange blonde (if you’re lucky, orange if you’re unlucky) streakiness in your hair instead of nice pretty highlights. In this example, I would recommend using 20 Vol developer and wait wait wait. It is better to use a lower volume and have the process take longer than to use a higher volume and risk ruining your hair so that you need professional fixing. In addition, as a brunette, I wouldn’t recommend using blonde highlights at all. The lightest you should use is a “dark blonde”, otherwise I’d stick with the “2-3 shades lighter” you always hear.

What’s that? Your pretty highlights didn’t turn out how you thought? You’re left with yellow pieces in your hair?

TONER TONER TONER. You can do this one of two ways. First, you can use a demi-permanent blonde in a lighter shade than your highlights because demi-permanents are deposit only. If you use a matching shade or darker, you WILL darken your entire head of hair.

Second, you can use an actual toner. They are boxes just like the professional hair dye ones, only these say TONER on them. This will be best if you’ve tried to go platinum and it didn’t get all the way there. Also, they’re just nice and easy to mix if you want two different toners in your hair. Easy-peasy.

Toning your hair should be fast. I’m talking 5 minutes, 10 absolute maximum. You are risking turning your hair purple or blue or green while you tone if you go any longer than that. This is why when you tone, you typically apply it to your entire head. It’s easy, It’s kind of like shampooing, but in sections. You’d take a large section of hair, quickly plop some toner on it, rub it through to make sure it’s all coated, then move on to the next section. When I tone, at the end, I typically use the left over mixture to massage throughout all my hair, really making sure I am getting everything. I know there’s other toners out there, but Wella toners are probably the most common (outside of using demi-permanent to tone) and that’s all I’ve ever used. Here’s an example.

31+PbRv0tTL._SY355_

That’s it! Everything I’ve said also applies to full head applications. Instead of just picking out where you want to highlight, you would apply all over your head, using your normal method (bottle, bowl and brush, whatever). So here’s hoping any of you adventurous types can learn from my mistakes. Good luck, and don’t forget the deep conditioner!

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 2 (plus bonus fire story!)

This week’s been kind of rough. I’ve definitely got a pattern down. I take my pill, and about 6-8 hours later I’m cranky and irritable as hell. Like so irritable I’m like GO AWAY I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU. GET OUT. GO. LEAVE. GOODBYE. STOP FUCKING TALKING.

It’s not the best attitude I can have…

Like previous times I went off of anti-depressants, my anxiety is at an all time high. And that’s not fun. The good news is my appt. is on Wednesday so I can tell her all about this and she can fix it. The bad news is I’m terribly impatient when it comes to my health, mental or otherwise.

I don’t know if the side effects are clouding my vision, but I just don’t feel that motivation or clarity that I used to. I’m hoping that it’s because my body adjusted to the Vyvanse and realized it wasn’t enough, so I can go up and maybe get that double dose through the day or… something. But that plus trying to deal with my anxiety? I don’t know, we typically do one thing at a time; I’m just so sensitive to medicinal changes.

I feel really scared and overwhelmed with the idea of going back to work. I do have to go back soon, medicine or not, and I am terrified that I am going to lose my job because I snapped and started yelling at the kids. I mean, not yelling, but being a bad teacher. Like being irritated all the time by them, being snippy and exasperated. I’m also really overwhelmed because it’s like coming back from summer break and you’ve been gone for weeks and weeks and you have to get readjusted to how things work and whatever changes might have happened while you were gone. That kind of crap gives me major, major anxiety. Like blood pressure through the roof, I want to burst into tears when I get home levels of anxiety.

Plus I’ve said it before but I drive myself nuts being here at home doing nothing.


This has been sitting here for a while because I forgot to hit post. Whoops! But it’s “good” news because now I can add on this story. Our upstairs neighbors’ fire alarm went off. Completely normal, because this building has disgustingly sensitive alarms. As in, there’s one right outside the bathroom (which is directly across from the fuse box.) If you even think about taking a hot shower, the steam will set off the alarm.

I digress a bit. So their alarm goes off. And it goes off. And it goes off. And… it’s still going off? Wtf are these people doing, right?

My dad goes outside and can see through their porch window that the room is filled with smoke. So he hollers out for my mom and he runs up with my sister and they bang on the door and no one answers, and my dad is about to try to bash the door in because we know they have at least one cat, if not more animals, and who knows what’s happened to the people right? Door is unlocked. No one is home. Something has been left on the stove and is now burning and smoking. So my dad turns it all off and my sister runs through the apartment checking to see if anyone is stuck or whatever, but no one is there. He opens the porch door and the house door, and my mom is fanning the place, and eventually I find their cat and I take him outside out of the smoke. Still no one comes home. We’ve gotten the alarm to stop, and nothing is severely damaged to our knowledge, so we leave and start writing a note when my sister notices that the woman has come home.

Apparently she is doing laundry and the fam runs to the store quick-like while the wash is going, and they forgot the stove. She remembers at some point and rushes home without them (I mean, we just missed running into her while we were leaving their house and she came home.) So we tell her what we did and that we took the cat out for air and tried to fan as much as possible but holy hell, that place was filled, I mean FILLED with smoke. I don’t even know how the alarm turned off, because there was still so much in there.

My cat currently hates me because I am covered in stranger-cat-smell. I’m just thrilled the door was unlocked. We were all in our pyjamas, and I rushed into regular clothes and grabbed my phone and inhaler because I had no idea if this was a fire that was going to actually affect us. I had basically grabbed what I thought was important and decided everything else could be replaced, sacrificed, whatever, I was going to go into this fire to help our hellish neighbors that we have done nothing but complain about. And it took me no second thoughts, only sparing thoughts to what I wanted to take out of our apartment in case of collateral damage.

My dad was like “jesus christ you’re a bad ass” to my sister and I and all that. Mostly I think I just didn’t care if anything happened to me. That’s probably a little more concerning, but I kept my mouth shut. Apathy is apathy, but I walked in, in an attempt to help people. It’s not like I jaywalked without any cares. Maybe when that one happens (…again) I’ll mention it. For now… I dunno. All I know is my chest hurts from the smoke and my inhaler isn’t doing what I want it to.

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I am not a YouTube personality, sorry.

Someone left me a comment saying that I should basically re-do all my blog posts in video format so they can watch them on YouTube. I deleted the comment because that’s dumb, but it did give me something to talk about.

I sat in bed thinking about why I didn’t start a vlog or something. I thought about all the people I do watch on YouTube. I’ve got JennaMarbles, Laina, Superfruit, various music channels (including Superfruit’s own PENTATONIX, ahhhhh), and makeup channels. Even the makeup channels I sub to aren’t all about makeup. Ingrid Nilsen, Grav3yardgirl, Madeyewlook. They each do things other than “here is how to apply eye shadow”.

And so if you ignore the music channels, you’d see that everyone I subscribe to is a charismatic person. They can talk to the camera. They are engaging. They have a personality that shows up on camera.

I do not.

I am a quiet, soft-spoken person. And sure, I could create a persona that shows up on camera, but I’m not an actress, and I’m sure that it wouldn’t be very consistent. You’d be able to tell that I was faking something.

I feel like the majority of my personality comes out as me being sarcastic about something. I’m not saying I have no personality, but I just think it doesn’t work well unless we are in person. On camera I’m sure I would fall flat, because I am quiet, I take a long time to form actual sentences, and I’m not concise. Hell, you can tell that just from my posts. If I get careless or I’m venting or I just plain don’t feel like properly editing, everything becomes a run-on sentence. Or it’s off topic. Or it’s a long-winded explanation of something incredibly simple.

Every one of my blog posts could probably turn into a 20 minute video instead of the 5-7 minute video it needs to be. People aren’t going to watch me! I wouldn’t even watch me. I get bored and distracted during half of the videos I do watch. Sometimes I watch a video 3-4 times just to actually see the whole thing because I started thinking about other things and forgot I was watching a video.

On another note, while I was thinking about this, I kind of feel like the time to get in on YouTube ended in 2012. I don’t think I could realistically start a channel now and have it gain any kind of popularity because there’s so much saturation now. That, combined with my non-YouTube personality? I’d just get lost in the crowd and my messages would never be heard. I feel like, at least this way people can scan and read what they want. Everything’s tagged, so if you don’t want to read about my life other than the medications, you can do that. Like, I try to make it as easy as possible for people to get only the content they want out of my blog. There are some random regular life stories on here, and they are in their own category, completely separate from the Vyvanse/Mental Health categories. You can’t really skim through a YouTube video of someone talking about how meds are affecting them.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I’m on a blog because I don’t have the charisma or patience to be on camera. Think Easy A’s webcam portions, but with her unintentionally looking way more bored about it.

guillaumes of ojai

PS did you guys catch this in Easy A? Guillaume’s of Ojai = Frederick’s of Hollywood? I burst out laughing in the theatre when I saw it and I was the only one. I guess it didn’t help that I lived (still live) in a small town but I grew up in LA. People know what Frederick’s is in LA.

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My Sister Turned 18 and My Carpal Tunnel Came Back

Yesterday my sister turned 18. She’s 18. She’s fucking 18. I can’t handle that. I mean, I’m freaking out like mad, I can only imagine how my parents feel. My parents have two adults. I mean, my sister’s still in high school, but still. Two whole legal adults.

My sister isn’t really doing anything with her life and I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in a way. I was the big sister, I was the one she looked up to, got jealous of, etc. And I made mistake after mistake and I was a big fuckup for a few years. I don’t really consider myself a fuckup now, but I’m moving (my life) at a much slower pace than I feel I should be and… I don’t know, it’s like I’m not setting a good example for her. She never applied to any colleges, she’s never had a job, we have no idea if we’re even going to be in this state by the next “school year”… I don’t know why that part matters but it feels like it fits in.

I know… I know, ultimately, that she has to take control of her own life and I can’t hold myself responsible for what she’s doing, but… hell I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

I guess, I just knew growing up that I was heralded as this amazing child (She’s so smart! She’s going to a great college! She’s _______ and ________ and wonderful, yay Erin!) and my sister had to live in my shadow for a while. She was very different from me from the start and we were (…still are…) 6+ years apart so it’s not like she should have been expected to be anything like me. Her entire growing up experience was different than mine. I  think that’s what we bond over the most, having different experiences and being able to talk about them, teach them to each other, laugh over what we do have in common. But still I feel I let her down. When I started fucking up, maybe she saw that I wasn’t this golden child, I wasn’t perfect and maybe she took it the wrong way. instead of seeing that nobody was perfect, she saw that if I couldn’t do something, how on earth could she?

I’m speculating. I’m assuming a lot and I obviously don’t know what she is thinking and I’m kind of assuming negative thoughts instead of positive thoughts in her mind. I mean, that’s pretty presumptuous of me and kind of rude I think. (Duh, that’s like half of what presumptuous means. Just pretend I wanted to really drive home that I’m being an asshole right now.)

I don’t know. I guess… I just feel like I’ve screwed up a major part of my life and I don’t want her to think that I’m anyone to model their life after, like if I couldn’t handle something then she shouldn’t even try. Because she should. She comes home every week with some story that I’m so jealous of and I tell her every time. She actually comes home every day but I meant that there’s at least one story every week. I just don’t feel like re-writing any of my sentences right now, as you can tell, because I wouldn’t have to explain every other sentence like I am. Instead, they’d just be clear. But they’re not, and it’s hard typing with a brace on your hand[1], and I don’t feel like re-typing things.

At the same time, I also feel like I’m setting her up for failure by comparing her life to mine when I was her age. Who cares that I had a summer job before I was 18? Who cares that I had gotten into “good” colleges? That’s not her life. She might have something else planned for her life that I don’t even know about. Maybe when she graduates she’s planning on getting a job. Maybe she plans to take a year off to figure out what she wants to do. Maybe she has some ideas but simply hasn’t figured out how to implement them just yet.

Maybe she has nothing. I really hope that’s not true.

[1] Like the title says, my carpal tunnel came back. It’s hard to avoid when you spend so much freaking time on the computer typing like a maniac and you still haven’t gotten any of the cushion mousepads or keyboard rests. I bring this on myself, but it’s stupid because it’s fucking painful and it’s really simple to correct given that I know exactly how mine develops.

carpalbrace

I don’t know why I felt the need to take a picture to prove it to you guys. It’s a weird picture too. I had to bend my arm funny just to get the whole thing in the shot, and the logo is right on top of the brace so it looks like a strange ad. I couldn’t twist my arm in a way to hide it. It looks like I’m going hey here’s my brace made by MUELLER, for carpal tunnel that I TOTALLY HAVE GUYS and this is in no way a plug for MUELLER braces MUELLER MUELLER MUELLER.

PS the brace isn’t so hot anyway, its the smallest one they have and it’s still too big on me so the pinky-finger side rubs and is really bothersome.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 1

Alright, so it’s been a week since my last update. I ended on a Sunday so I guess I’m going these on Sundays now. Hmm…

So things have been okay. Twice this week I’ve found myself pacing around my room because the people upstairs have been so freaking noisy that I’m so tense and worked up and I can’t calm down. It’s awful. I never know when they’re going to drop something or the kid starts screaming or whatever, si I’m just always on edge and I can’t handle it without some backup it seems.

I’m 99% sure this has nothing to do with the Vyvanse I’m on. Previously I’ve been on tons of anti-depressants, which almost always double as anti-anxiety. I’m no longer on any of those, I just have my twice a day as needed Klonopin, which doesn’t last as long as I need it to. Definitely need to talk to Dr. about that.

I’m also finding that my stomach pains are coinciding with this sort of fuzzy/fogginess in my head. I think it’s the Vyvanse effects wearing off. I’m not sure. I mean, I know I start sort of slipping and losing focus, I can tell exactly when the Vyvanse is wearing off, but I can’t figure out why that would affect my stomach. You’d think that the stomach pain would be from digesting the medicine, so it’d happen maybe 30 mins-2 hours after taking the pill, but no. It’s very weird. But I also have a history of stomach issues, so it could just be me and my stomach behaves differently. It’s also not intolerable, so it’s not like I’m writhing on the floor in pain like my prior stomach issues, but… I don’t know. new-girl-gif-sad-sigh-compliment-insecure

I can’t decide if the side effects are worth it yet. I also feel very strongly that I haven’t been on it long enough to see how long they will even last. Most people have side effects for a couple weeks, and that’s it, but I’m incredibly sensitive to medications so I know I need a longer period of “the side effect waiting game” before I say okay, this isn’t going to work.

I feel like there was more but I can’t remember it now. Sorry. I’ll either amend this post or update again later if I remember anything.

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Deal with it.

My sister can turn almost any sentence you say into a Spongebob reference. She gets that from my dad, this ability to be quick-thinking and spit out some reference. My Dad does it with music. We’ve grown up around this stuff, so there are plenty of times where I can also blurt out a song reference while someone is talking. The most common one in our family I think, is

Person A: Will you take me—

Person B: DOWN TO THE PARADISE CITY?

Person A: down to the store to…sigh

Person B: WHERE THE GRASS IS GREEN?

Person A: incoherent mumbling, probably profanities stuck in there too

Person B: AND THE GIRLS ARE PRETTY?

But god, we do it with all kinds of songs. Most recently my sister was was talking and I (jokingly) called her a liar and she was like noooooo it’s true! And I said “ARE YOUR LIPS MOVING? THEN YOU LIE LIE LIE.”

That really got her because she “secretly” loves Meghan Trainor. I say “secretly” with quotes because she only wanted her family to know her guilty pleasure but she’s totally got that involuntary be-bopping to music she likes, she she ends up like

insta

insta

Hehehehehe.

Speaking of this movie (Dreamworks’ Home, it’s got Jim Parsons and I love him), I am super excited to see it. I’m incredibly lucky that I have a family that enjoys kids movies/shows even as adults. We go see all kinds of new kids movies. It’s great because I have some friends who either roll their eyes at me like “grow up and see adult movies” which is stupid because I like regular movies made for grown-ups, too; I also have friends that enjoy kids movies but their parents are like why haven’t you grown out of this crap yet. I feel bad for them. I also kind of feel bad for their parents. Like, lighten up! What’s wrong with watching silly things? No one is saying that ______________ random kids movie is the ultimate most amazing movie #1 better than any movie whose target audience isn’t kids.

They’re just fun and silly and we like to laugh. Suck it.

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It’s Freaking Ash Wednesday Already. I missed everything.

I accidentally ended up on twitter an hour ago and I found out it’s Ash Wednesday. I saw it in the trending section. My thoughts were as follows:

“Ash Wednesday? It’s not Ash Wednesday yet, I don’t get it.”

“It’s Ash Wednesday, holy shit.”

“Wait that means I missed Mardi Gras, that’s so sad!” (Not that it’s anything celebrated in my town. But I like to acknowledge it, I guess.)

“Ohhh, that’s why Rio Carnival was happening, I thought that was really early.”

“At least Easter’s not in March this year, I hate that.”

This is what happens when I’m not outside. Even when I spend all day inside, on the internet, I NEVER know when holidays are. If I am not out, doing things, I lose complete track of when holidays are. It’s so weird. I’m… I’m like completely sort-of “narrow-minded” on the internet, I don’t stray from my regular sites, and so I never come across people talking about what day it is. Even Google today. I couldn’t even count on Google to tell me what day it was. You know the Google Doodles that tell you something special about that day. Today’s is Google Doodle Ash Wednesday

Alessandro Volta’s 270th birthday. Which is cool and all, but it didn’t tell me what today was. And now I feel like an oblivious idiot because everything was going on around me and I’m just sitting here like “la la la,  ooh, fun internet, nothing to do, paint my nails, waiting on these pills to make my brain settle, all about me, la la la la la laaaaa!”

I mean, it’s not like I even celebrate this stuff. My grandma is catholic, my mom is… well she was last baptized Mormon I believe… and I have no idea what denomination my dad is. My point is that no one in my family (that we associate with [I can’t believe I actually said that but the family drama on my mom’s AND dad’s side… yeesh]) actually goes to church or actually associates themselves as being anything other than “Christian”, and for my dad, sister and I even that is pushing it. The three of us are literally only “Christian” in that we happen to celebrate those holidays. I think my dad half-believes in God and all that, but my sister and I don’t, currently. So it’s really a matter of which holidays do we want to celebrate, which holidays do we want to give presents during when we have kids… etc.

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It’s been a long road to today (It’s also been a long post, sorry.)

I know I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of this, but let me tell you my story here, in one place.

I was never thought of as an ADD/ADHD kid. I got fantastic grades with no problem. I never did my homework and I still passed with flying colors. Teachers generally liked me. It was nothing like you see on TV. At home, I was easy and pretty much kept to myself. My parents always tell me that I was an easy kid, and they were like “Babies, kids? We can totally handle this!” and then they had my sister who cried all the time, and was generally a difficult kid to raise.

He he heh heh he hehehe 🙂

I like to think I was secretly being the best baby/child ever to trick them. (That can’t be true, I vehemently insisted on not getting a baby brother or sister. But if we ignore that little part…)

When I went off to college, things started falling apart. I was having trouble dealing with personal issues, as well as the pressure of college and adjusting to a big university. I dropped out before finishing the first year. But, I went back to the town because I had a boyfriend, and I had my friends, and it was a college town, so even if I didn’t do school in a typical fashion, I could still work and start my life. That didn’t work out too well for me either, considering there were all of 12 jobs for 30,000 students. I also still struggled with my past and not using it against my boyfriend. I was acting very neurotic. I mean, I am kind of neurotic, so it was really just a more extreme version of me. Still, it really surprised everyone when I tried to kill myself.

My first diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder.

After that, I got something I don’t remember the name of. Hah! But basically, she said that it’s possible I had a sort of break from reality and I didn’t understand what I was doing, or the consequences of what I was doing. That one is definitely not true. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just fucked up by “breaking up” with my boyfriend beforehand in order to tie up loose ends. I didn’t realize he was going to come over right away and try to work things out with me… which meant he found me and, well, saved my life.

I found a new psych and we moved on to General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, PTSD, Panic Disorder… That’s all the paperwork I have at my disposal it seems, but there are gaps in there so I know there were more diagnoses I can’t remember.

For once, being told I have ADD instead of just being called flaky and spacey and off in her own world… that made sense. But it also meant that getting to the heart of my depression and anxiety would be harder. It’s kind of like I’m a large Venn Diagram, where the center of it just says “crazy”.

Okay, I’m kidding about the crazy part, but if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t get through my own life. The Venn Diagram thing is real though, it’s sort of how you can have multiple similar diagnoses. Like, you fit everything for MDD, but you also have strange panicky things and mood swings SPECIFICALLY when you have a major change in your life? That’s how MDD and Adjustment Disorder can mix. Psychology is a fucking mess.

I realize now I have no idea how to end this!

So, I guess, for those of you out there reading this and thinking you might fall into one or more categories I just mentioned, please talk to someone. Schools have counselors. There are free clinics all over the place. I personally go to a free/reduced clinic, because I can’t afford a personal practice psych. It might take longer to get an appropriate diagnosis, but it’s so worth it. Just knowing that someone out there can tell you what you have is real, what you feel is completely normal given your diagnosis, etc. It’s made me cry on many occasions. It’s such a relief. Please get help.

Some resources I’ve used (because I tend to research my brains out and so maybe don’t overdo it on the research…)

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