Tag Archives: Bored

Excuses, Excuses (But I really do have a plan in mind)

I know I said I would resume posting regularly again, but I decided to wait for this last appointment of April here and then I could give you a big ‘ole round-up of what’s been going on. It’s tomorrow, so even though I know you are all so desperately waiting on me (heh) I’ll be posting my experiences again soon.

Until then, have this picture. I call it: stop yelling at yourself

FullSizeRender copy

The picture is very grainy because I am too impatient to find the best light settings on my iPhone so I just picked one and said fuck it, you can see me, you can see the sky, you can see enough basic details, we’re good.

I will also tell you that I have since henna-ed my hair after that picture was taken and It Is Quite Bright. Also, it is incredibly difficult to do and it smells terrible and I had a headache from the smell of it plus twenty pounds of goop on my head for several hours. And as usual, the same spots I always miss (OR INSANELY don’t seem to take ANY hair color) are still dark blonde. So once this oxidizes I am going to do a small “retouch batch” to fix these spots. And I think next tome I won’t use any lemon juice. Or maybe just a tiny amount. My hair was already very damaged because I dye it a lot, but it feels dry as hell right now. Need to get to some deep conditioning, yo.

Fortunately I never feel better than when I am a redhead so the brightness doesn’t bother me. I just need to get used to the henna process, fine-tune my method for what works best for me.

PS: I think I accidentally splatter-henna-ed some more freckles on my arms. Hahaha! 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Mental Health, Regular Blog Posts

MIA

In descending order, I give you: Why I’ve Been Gone for Basically a Month.

  1. Here’s the thing about living in-between mountains. Any and all service is completely unreliable. Cell phone service? Internet? Television? Don’t count on it. Don’t rely on it. Make sure you have other things you can do at all times because you never know if you will have service.
    1. My point is, for our wonderful mountain valley, the internet went out for everyone in roughly a 20 mile radius. I mean, it’s like the internet was deleted for everyone. You couldn’t get it through cable, satellite… other common methods…People couldn’t even connect to the internet using their 3G/4G/etc. service on their phones. Occasionally you’d hear about someone getting service on their phones and it’d be dial-up-era slow.
  2. After nearly two weeks, the internet got fixed. I don’t know how, I don’t even understand how it was gone, but it was fixed. Well, this outage fell during our pay the bills time and since we didn’t actually have internet, my mother was not reminded to pay the bill. (And we were kiiind of behind on that to begin with.) So when it came back, we hadn’t paid, and we still didn’t have internet.
  3. My phone doesn’t actually have a data plan. I’ve never been able to use my phone for internets unless there was wifi available for me.
  4. Lastly, by the time our internet was reinstated, I’d fallen out of habit of blogging. I’d sit in bed and think huh, I could be blogging right now, but I wouldn’t get up and do it because once I break a habit, it is incredibly hard to get back into the swing of things.

IMG_1671

Here’s a screenshot of my phone right now. I’m sitting in my room and it says I don’t have cell service. There’s no reason for this! I don’t have a dead spot in my room, I normally have full range in my apartment. Mountains just suck.

Regular posts to begin again. I promise. Well, I promise I’ll try.

1 Comment

Filed under Regular Blog Posts

I am not a YouTube personality, sorry.

Someone left me a comment saying that I should basically re-do all my blog posts in video format so they can watch them on YouTube. I deleted the comment because that’s dumb, but it did give me something to talk about.

I sat in bed thinking about why I didn’t start a vlog or something. I thought about all the people I do watch on YouTube. I’ve got JennaMarbles, Laina, Superfruit, various music channels (including Superfruit’s own PENTATONIX, ahhhhh), and makeup channels. Even the makeup channels I sub to aren’t all about makeup. Ingrid Nilsen, Grav3yardgirl, Madeyewlook. They each do things other than “here is how to apply eye shadow”.

And so if you ignore the music channels, you’d see that everyone I subscribe to is a charismatic person. They can talk to the camera. They are engaging. They have a personality that shows up on camera.

I do not.

I am a quiet, soft-spoken person. And sure, I could create a persona that shows up on camera, but I’m not an actress, and I’m sure that it wouldn’t be very consistent. You’d be able to tell that I was faking something.

I feel like the majority of my personality comes out as me being sarcastic about something. I’m not saying I have no personality, but I just think it doesn’t work well unless we are in person. On camera I’m sure I would fall flat, because I am quiet, I take a long time to form actual sentences, and I’m not concise. Hell, you can tell that just from my posts. If I get careless or I’m venting or I just plain don’t feel like properly editing, everything becomes a run-on sentence. Or it’s off topic. Or it’s a long-winded explanation of something incredibly simple.

Every one of my blog posts could probably turn into a 20 minute video instead of the 5-7 minute video it needs to be. People aren’t going to watch me! I wouldn’t even watch me. I get bored and distracted during half of the videos I do watch. Sometimes I watch a video 3-4 times just to actually see the whole thing because I started thinking about other things and forgot I was watching a video.

On another note, while I was thinking about this, I kind of feel like the time to get in on YouTube ended in 2012. I don’t think I could realistically start a channel now and have it gain any kind of popularity because there’s so much saturation now. That, combined with my non-YouTube personality? I’d just get lost in the crowd and my messages would never be heard. I feel like, at least this way people can scan and read what they want. Everything’s tagged, so if you don’t want to read about my life other than the medications, you can do that. Like, I try to make it as easy as possible for people to get only the content they want out of my blog. There are some random regular life stories on here, and they are in their own category, completely separate from the Vyvanse/Mental Health categories. You can’t really skim through a YouTube video of someone talking about how meds are affecting them.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it. I’m on a blog because I don’t have the charisma or patience to be on camera. Think Easy A’s webcam portions, but with her unintentionally looking way more bored about it.

guillaumes of ojai

PS did you guys catch this in Easy A? Guillaume’s of Ojai = Frederick’s of Hollywood? I burst out laughing in the theatre when I saw it and I was the only one. I guess it didn’t help that I lived (still live) in a small town but I grew up in LA. People know what Frederick’s is in LA.

Leave a comment

Filed under Regular Blog Posts

Vyvanse Day 24

700 AM: I am actually still awake. This is because of my upstairs neighbors yet again. Somehow, kids are able to make noise while still being asleep. JK I’M JUST BUSY JUDGING THESE PEOPLE AND THE WAY THEY RAISE THEIR KIDS


Okay so after the kids left (presumably for school, but who knows with these crazy cats!) and I took my pill, I ended up falling asleep. So I mean plus because good I got some sleep, but bad because it is very likely that I will fuck up my schedule. Also while I was busy not sleeping, I finished all my books and now I have nothing to read while not sleeping, again. Get more books get more books get more books.

My stomach is killing me. Blech. Today’s not a good digestive day. I don’t know if it’s because I keep not eating regularly, or if it is just completely random on whether my stomach will readily accept the meds.

I found out that I had a box of bleach this whole time in my closet and I could have done my highlights so I can re-dye my hair, which I’ve been waiting on. I’m naturally a dark blonde, and my hair is a… golden-beige light blonde right now. It’s not bad, but it’s not my regular looking hair color which I’ve been wanting back. But I also love red. Which is why I can never stay happy with any color for more than 3 weeks. I flip back and forth between blonde and red and it wreaks havoc on my hair. Major bummer. But you’re probably not here to read about my hair.

Honestly today was mostly uneventful and boring. I took out a bunch of trash and fantasized about being rich. The usual. I had a million tabs open on fancy houses and expensive things and like a million reddit tabs open too. I haven’t been on reddit for a while so it’s like everything was new and wonderful again!

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 21

700 AM: Take pill. Be bored. Crawl back into warm bed, but surprisingly, do not fall back asleep. Interesting.


Hooooooooooooooooo boy is that “upper abdominal pain” back. Seems to come and go, it’s not steady. I am super annoyed. I was mildly annoyed about the pain, but holy hell did I get super fucking angry after trying to order on Ulta.com. That’s a long story so I will make it it’s own post.

I have lost another pound but I don’t feel like my appetite has changed. I just sort of snack. Still drinking protein shakes. I think they’re saving my life. I don’t think I would be getting any nutrition without them.

I did stay awake after taking the pill, so that’s something. Before it was like if I put my mind to it, I was going back to sleep even with the pill. I don’t think that’ll be happening anymore. Which is good, because that’s part of the point of taking them, but also bad because I get bored doing nothing all day. I don’t even care about watching TV. Good thing we have the DVR because I would never be able to keep up with the few shows I do want to follow.

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 20

700 AM: Wake up, take NEW pill. 30mg new pill. Realize old drawing of pill isn’t accurate anymore, the new dosage is different color. Fall back asleep.


I feel like I’ve started all over, kinda. My body needs to readjust to the new dose, and this is probably going to happen every time I change dosages until I am stable. I feel over focused. I don’t really know how to describe it. Like, I’m not exactly getting distracted, rather I am choosing to focus everything on a new subject. EVERYTHING. I was talking to my mom about face serums or some junk she wants and I ended up spending over 4 hours on Ulta.com looking at/comparing serums or moisturizers or creams and does she want a serum specifically or is the other junk okay? I mean, I invested way too much time on this. I was going to write a post earlier today but I was trying to multitask and everyone who knows me knows I cannot multitask, so it ended up being this late post. Sorry. At least they’re still daily, if not at consistent times.

I have a headache, as usual. My thirst levels haven’t changed. My hunger levels haven’t changed. I’ve actually noticed that since I’m spending so much time just doing nothing, I’m doing the bored-style eating. Like I’m not actually hungry, but I’m bored and wandering around so I eat a spoonful of peanut butter or grab a banana or some crackers. I mean in a backwards way it’s kind of a good thing because otherwise I wouldn’t eat at all, but I know bored-eating is still not a good thing. I need to be eating more regularly. Or something.

Um, let’s see. Remember when I listed all those side effects for you? I’ll copy-paste them again.

  • Anxiety
  • decreased appetite
  • loss of appetite
  • nausea
  • diarrhea
  • trouble sleeping
  • upper stomach pain
  • dizziness
  • dry mouth
  • vomiting
  • irritability
  • weight loss

Okay so bold is what I have experienced. Good news is, there’s been no actual digestive problems, just mild nausea which was all the time, not whenever I ate anything. It was like just a feeling you experience at all times, but doesn’t actually affect you. Does that make sense? I’m super, super happy that there have been NO problems with sleeping. I actually get tired and fall asleep like a normal person, and when I first realized that I almost cried because that has not happened since I was in elementary school. Ever since ~middle school I have had insomnia issues, and I just learned to live on only… maybe 5 hours of sleep when I had to get up for school. As long as nothing is bothering me while I attempt to sleep — *COUGH-COUGH* PESKY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS *COUGH-COUGH* — I just decide hey I’m sleepy, I’ll go to bed, and then I’m out in less than half an hour. It’s a freaking miracle!

Also, no dizziness. I would have thought that was a given. I’m a fainter, and I get dizzy a lot because I always push myself without sleep and/or eating. (Unintentionally, I swear. I just have a habit of saying “just one more page/hour/article/etc.) And none of the really bad side effects either. The ones you’re supposed to tell your Dr. about. Phew!

I guess that’s all for today, I can’t think of anything else to add. Here’s hoping to more good news with this Vyvanse.

HMHappyDance

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 15

700 AM: I overslept. Good news is, I did fall asleep. Bad news is, I didn’t take Vyvanse on time.


The people upstairs are insane. So like I said, I finally fell asleep lat night. Which I figured I would. But I ended up oversleeping and taking muh pillz several hours later. No bueno. Right now someone is shouting “I HAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEAM” over and over again.

I had a dream once. It died once my neighbors moved in.

I haven’t had any headaches so far. No nausea. Still no appetite, but I’ve noticed that I do feel slightly hungry for the rest of the day once I finally do eat. Like that sliiiight hunger you feel when you’re starting to get bored but not so bored that you are bored-eating. Does that make sense? Probably not. Just, you know, like maybe you could eat some crackers or something.

My brain feels like pudding but that’s probably a combination of the past few days. I figure it’ll fix itself once I start sleeping properly and taking my pills on time again. It might be worth noting that going off schedule – both pill and sleep-wise – has a notable effect, though. It’s not like a relapse into fast-brain-madness, but rather, a complete sludge in my head that is difficult to wade through.

I am still perma-thirsty. Occasionally I drink a Coke Zero. I think it’s because I enjoy torturing myself. Every time I have caffeine (outside of the miniscule amount in a candy bar, etc.) it screws up my stomach. It turns me into an ulcer ball, but for some reason I still drink one every once in a while. I’m not kidding myself either, I’m thinking “I want a CZ, but my stomach… ah who cares.” I CARE. I CARE, PAST ERIN. FUTURE ERIN CARES SO MUCH. FUTURE ERIN CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN HOT&SEXY PAIN AND NOTSEXY PAIN. HERE’S A HINT: NOTSEXY PAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF HOSPITALS WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN.

I haven’t noticed caffeine having an effect with the Vyvanse however. Maybe it’s just because I’m so low. I bet higher does have an effect.

That’s it, that’s all I got. Someone do me a favor and kill my upstairs neighbors though. Please. Please.

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 13 (the day I took my meds two hours late and so here’s me talking about 100 different things)

700 AM: I didn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t take the pill until 9 which is sooo going to screw with my sleep patterns now. Fuck me.


Guys I was so freaking close to my own personal Friday the 13th. But alas, today is Thursday, the 13th day of medication and I am sad.

You know what’s weird? When people talk about how their skin is combination or normal or oily or dry, but no one ever clarifies what combination is. How can this combination skin cleanser be good for me if you don’t know my combination? I always thought that combination meant normal/dry. I used to say I had oily skin, but as of maybe last year I think I have combination oily/dry skin. My mom has normal/dry. I asked. Like, my skin on my cheeks will be dry and flaky as hell if I don’t take care of them, but the rest of my face will act like I rubbed bacon on my skin. WTF why is skin so weird?

I don’t have anything to do but I got up and put on makeup anyway. And, I mean, clothes. Like I usually put jeans on and don’t change out of my sleep shirt unless I am actually going somewhere, but this time I got real fully dressed, and put on makeup. Not that me putting on makeup is some massive deal because I don’t typically do more than a tinted moisturizer/bb cream, mascara, and eyeshadow that matches my clothes. I do have foundation, and primer, and a full stock of makeup, but I don’t like how long it takes to put it on so for my “normal” days I pick things that claim to be 10 in 1 items like BB creams. Plus, I have sensitive skin and most of the time I just want to even it out, not make it look perfect.

My F key isn’t working right. Most of the time I have to hit it 3+ times to get the letter F. I couldn’t see anything underneath it making it stick or not depress, so I did the magic air spray stuff? And that didn’t work so I just popped the key off altogether and there’s nothing there! It looks just like all the other keys. It’s not special, it’s not broken, but it sure is acting like it is.

Every time I eat I feel really nauseated afterward. Sometimes when I drink too. And I can’t lose anymore weight and that was supposed to be my secret blessing in disguise of medication. It makes me really sad and frustrated and a little angry that my stomach is rejecting any kind of sustenance, but it also won’t let me lose weight like a normal person who eats less when they are nauseated. Like, screw you stomach. I think it might have to do with my years of Gastritis misdiagnoses and fuck-ups before finally getting a hang of it. That was a mess.

I have nothing else to say so maybe I will post again once this day takes off more. But probably not. Maybe I’ll just talk about something else.

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse

Vyvanse Day 11

700 AM: This is terrible. Medication is terrible. Life is terrible.


Today is awful. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Getting up was awful but I refuse to get back in bed because I will never get back out. I might, you know, actually be sick or something, but I feel like blaming the Vyvanse. I hate everything. Complete like woke up on the wrong side of the bed day. I don’t even care how my brain might be slowing thoughts down or anything. Speed them up, slow them down, make them go in spirals, do whatever you want for all I care. I’m over it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Vyvanse