Tag Archives: Brain Speed

Vyvanse Day 30

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, fall back asleep. Ack! Inconsistency bothers me.


I think I wake up in a bad mood a lot because I’m mad at myself for not staying up after taking my pill. It’s like it’s not even me, because I do it all half-asleep so I don’t even realize I’m crawling back into bed. How annoying!

Today marks 1 full month of being on Vyvanse. (I say one full month because the prescriptions come in 30 dose pill bottles. That’s my marker.) I am still feeling very mixed about it. I like the good things that happen. I like that I can definitely notice a change in how my brain is working. I like that I am going slower and I can put focus into anything I want.

I don’t like the side effects, but they’re not bad enough (for me) to stop Vyvanse altogether. They’re annoying, but I haven’t been on a dosage for long enough to see if my body will adjust to it, so I don’t want to stop. I also don’t like that while I can put my full focus and attention into anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making good decisions. For example, if I were in high school, I would be able to focus completely on my homework and actually do it. (I never did homework in high school. I got A’s without HW.) But that doesn’t mean I would make the decision to DO the homework. I might choose to put my focus on reading, or cleaning, or basically anything else.

I suppose that’s really more of an Erin problem, though. I think I might have expected too much out of my medication, like it would magically make me want to do important grown-upy things, and that’s just not the case. Or maybe it would just be easier to tell if I’m gaining all the benefits if I were in school, or some setting where you can actually see improvement. Like sure I think my brain works better with this, but I don’t know if I’m even using it to it’s potential so…

I guess that’s something that has more to do with… hmphhh I can’t think right now. Like self-worth? It’s something that I’m going to have to work on in therapy, rather than something that can be fixed with a pill. I guess I have to MAKE the decisions to do something, to better myself in some way, and ADD medication is only clearing my brain out to see what’s wrong. It’s not going to make the depression go away, it’s just going to make me…

I’m so incoherent right now. I can’t think off the words I want or even what I want to convey.

My final point is, I guess I was so excited to try an alternative-backdoor method for my depression/anxiety that I never considered the part where I’m still going to have to go to therapy to deal with, you know, myself.

I’m going to end this with an old picture of my kitty sleeping with her tongue out. She’s so black that you can’t make out her features unless you fiddle with lighting settings, making her fur look brown instead.

kittytongue

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Vyvanse Day 29

700 AM: Sitting in car, already awake. Sister pointed out that my alarm was going off since I couldn’t hear it in my purse. Dropping madre off at airport around 730-745. The mall doesn’t open until 10 (wtf?) so we have a couple hours to kill. Went to Denny’s.


I haven’t been in a Denny’s for over 10 years I think. The menu’s have changed since I last saw them. Finally got to the mall and went practically straight into the Sephora (which isn’t a full one, it’s a Sephora in JcPenney’s). I got a new moisturizer that I think is really going to help clear up my skin and make me a model. People will look at me and be like, oh yeah, she’s a model, just look at that moisturized skin.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at an appropriate time for the first time in several weeks. I felt stuffed even though I barely ate anything. And then I was just feeling annoyed all day. But the sephora lady was nice. I liked her. She even helped me “diagnose” my mother’s skin without my mom being there and gave me some samples for her to try. I really liked her.

Other than that, I felt like even though it was early and there weren’t a lot of people around, I kept managing to be in the way or other people were just standing there oblivious to being in my way. I don’t know, it’s fairly normal I think but it seemed soooooo much worse today. Like everyone was trying to be bothersome. Sometimes, I swear, I’m just so irritable and annoyed. Just up to 100 all the fucking time. Like I’m in my terrible two’s again! If something is not completely going my way then I am just so frustrated and upset.

I mean, I was never a completely easy-going person to begin with, but I have never been this irritable/annoyed all the time. Before, it could almost always be tied to anxiety somehow. I’m annoyed because plans changed and I don’t know what’s going on now, I’m annoyed because I can’t predict something, I’m annoyed because other people are making me late and I like to be early, etc.

Now, it’s like I’m just being bitchy. I hate that! But I can’t turn it off, it’s just how I feel, and I can’t even warn people because I have no idea if I’m going to be feeling that way or if I’m going to feel great. It’s terrible.

No stomach pain today though. I do have a headache but it developed throughout the day and I think it’s because I was so tense over being around other people. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I haven’t said anything about my brain feelings lately, and it’s because it hasn’t changed that much. I still feel like I am thinking smoother, clearer, but I’m also still smashing my words together and stumbling over sentences. I don’t know if that’s an ADD thing or an Erin thing. I mean, I always said it’s because whenever I talk, I’m already thinking 100 sentences ahead, so everything becomes jumbled or lost completely and I stop talking mid-sentence and everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t know. Sounds like ADD. Sounds like brain speed is too fast. Maybe I’m actually just an idiot though.

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Vyvanse Day 20

700 AM: Wake up, take NEW pill. 30mg new pill. Realize old drawing of pill isn’t accurate anymore, the new dosage is different color. Fall back asleep.


I feel like I’ve started all over, kinda. My body needs to readjust to the new dose, and this is probably going to happen every time I change dosages until I am stable. I feel over focused. I don’t really know how to describe it. Like, I’m not exactly getting distracted, rather I am choosing to focus everything on a new subject. EVERYTHING. I was talking to my mom about face serums or some junk she wants and I ended up spending over 4 hours on Ulta.com looking at/comparing serums or moisturizers or creams and does she want a serum specifically or is the other junk okay? I mean, I invested way too much time on this. I was going to write a post earlier today but I was trying to multitask and everyone who knows me knows I cannot multitask, so it ended up being this late post. Sorry. At least they’re still daily, if not at consistent times.

I have a headache, as usual. My thirst levels haven’t changed. My hunger levels haven’t changed. I’ve actually noticed that since I’m spending so much time just doing nothing, I’m doing the bored-style eating. Like I’m not actually hungry, but I’m bored and wandering around so I eat a spoonful of peanut butter or grab a banana or some crackers. I mean in a backwards way it’s kind of a good thing because otherwise I wouldn’t eat at all, but I know bored-eating is still not a good thing. I need to be eating more regularly. Or something.

Um, let’s see. Remember when I listed all those side effects for you? I’ll copy-paste them again.

  • Anxiety
  • decreased appetite
  • loss of appetite
  • nausea
  • diarrhea
  • trouble sleeping
  • upper stomach pain
  • dizziness
  • dry mouth
  • vomiting
  • irritability
  • weight loss

Okay so bold is what I have experienced. Good news is, there’s been no actual digestive problems, just mild nausea which was all the time, not whenever I ate anything. It was like just a feeling you experience at all times, but doesn’t actually affect you. Does that make sense? I’m super, super happy that there have been NO problems with sleeping. I actually get tired and fall asleep like a normal person, and when I first realized that I almost cried because that has not happened since I was in elementary school. Ever since ~middle school I have had insomnia issues, and I just learned to live on only… maybe 5 hours of sleep when I had to get up for school. As long as nothing is bothering me while I attempt to sleep — *COUGH-COUGH* PESKY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS *COUGH-COUGH* — I just decide hey I’m sleepy, I’ll go to bed, and then I’m out in less than half an hour. It’s a freaking miracle!

Also, no dizziness. I would have thought that was a given. I’m a fainter, and I get dizzy a lot because I always push myself without sleep and/or eating. (Unintentionally, I swear. I just have a habit of saying “just one more page/hour/article/etc.) And none of the really bad side effects either. The ones you’re supposed to tell your Dr. about. Phew!

I guess that’s all for today, I can’t think of anything else to add. Here’s hoping to more good news with this Vyvanse.

HMHappyDance

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Vyvanse Day 18 (NOT day 17)

700 AM: I woke up. I took my pill dutifully. I went back to my warm cozy bed. I fell back asleep. Damn it.


Last night was easy. I fell asleep right away (although I kept finding things I need to do right now or it’ll bother me!) But once I decided to go to sleep, bam. It took me like maybe half an hour, if that. It’s such an accomplishment for me, I haven’t fallen asleep like that since I was a kid.

Overall, I’m definitely liking the Vyvanse. I like how it makes my brain work. I like how it lets me think. I like the focus it gives me, even if I have nothing to focus that energy on so I end up wandering until I find a “project”. I definitely think this is a good thing. I guess I’m saying, maybe I really have had ADD my entire life and it was just easy to hide it because I did so well in school and since I never had the classic ADHD-kid symptoms, everyone just wrote me off as a smart but spacey kid. I almost wonder what could have been if I had been diagnosed earlier. Would I have still developed chronic depression? Would I have still dropped out of my university? Would I have done better, done drugs, done everything that “went wrong” in my life?

As much as I’d like to, I know you just can’t dwell on that stuff. It happened. It’s done. Now it’s time to focus on improving my current situation.

kim_possible

I’m hoping that improving my stomach pain is on that list. Holy typos I cannot spell today. I’m done. This is getting ridiculous. I also just spent about and hour looking for a “What’s the sitch?” gif but I couldn’t find any. HOW ARE THERE NO GIFS OF THAT? So I just took a screen grab and wrote the words on. Pathetic.

 

Edit: None of you thought to tell me that I had put the wrong day I was on? 

How-rude

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Vyvanse Day 17, or FEBRUARY HAS A FRIDAY THE 13TH SO I WAS UPSET A FEW BLOG POSTS OVER NOTHING

700 AM: I was going to make a joke her but nothing rhymes with seven. I mean, Nothing that’s funny. Anyway, I somehow managed to force myself up and take the pill. BUUUUUUUT, I did get back into bed and not get up until 830-ish. So it’s only half a win.


Last night was hell. I was having major “Upper Abdominal Pains”  and I couldn’t figure out what to do. I tried treating it like I do my gastritis when that flares up. (Not that any of this actually works once I’ve reached a certain stage of pain in gastritis. Once it’s there, there is no treatment for me besides hospital treatments.)

Anyway, I ate plain bread in order to soak up too much acid going on, I took a million Pepcid max strength pills. I had the heating pad going, I took a handful of those hotties hand warmers and wrapped them around my stomach (front and back of body) with an ace bandage. I mean, I don’t know what actually causes the “upper abdominal pain” so I have no idea how to treat it when it gets bad like that.

At some point I did fall asleep, so I know that I lessened it at least enough to sleep. But when I woke up this morning it was (is) still slightly there and it’s just like my gastritis where I don’t want to eat anything because I’m too afraid that it will make it flare back up. Thankfully, I can confirm (to myself) that it was NOT gastritis, because that is a different type of pain where it feels like there is a rod maybe the diameter of a pill bottle that has stabbed me straight through my stomach and out my back. And also the rod is on fire. So my pain feels like OW FUCK I AM STABBED AND ALSO ON FIRE AND IT IS A STRAIGHT LINE FROM MY FRONT TO BACK THIS IS SO STRANGE.

femalegastritis

Apparently free images of women’s profiles require them to be wearing heels naked.

A visual interpretation of how gastritis feels. NOT the same as standard Vyvanse pain. 

My head feels better today. I don’t feel like sludge/pudding. I mean it’s only morning, so it could still happen, but so far so good. I feel maybe this is my breakthrough from the disastrous pill adventure lately. Although I still kind of feel bitchy and mean and I want to tear people’s heads off like a dinosaur. Literally. Like I want to physically rip heads off right now. I can’t wait until I get back to mildly irritable/annoyed at things.

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Vyvanse Day 16

700 AM: I took that pill. I took it real good.


I am confident that I can’t actually do anything right. I am a massive screw-up and everything I touch turns to crap. The End.

Okay so I haven’t bounced back from my neighborly-induced pill mishap. I sort of feel like the very beginning of my pill regimen and I am snappy and mean and I can’t think straight and I can’t do anything because I can’t even think. It took me two times to actually use my debit card at Target today because I kept hitting CANCEL where it says “would you like cash back?” instead of hitting NO CASH BACK or whatever. And everything is getting on my nerves and ugh. Like I’m back to being a moody teenager. I never really had moody teen years, not like you see on TV or in movies, so maybe this is my body’s way of catching up or making up for lost time. Haha sucker, you got it now! IN YOUR TWENTIES! YAY YOU!

Other than all that, I feel fine.

Oh dear god the people upstairs are not done doing whatever banging around they have to do. I mean, how long does it take to put your furniture into place? It’s not a huge apartment, there’s only so much you can do, the rest is all boxes. Maybe they are throwing the boxes to each other and dropping them. Or dragging them across the floor. Like this noise is unexplainable (PS chrome is telling me unexplainable isn’t a word but I double-checked. It is. SUCK ON THAT CHROME.)

It feels like there is just one bad thing happening after another around here. I’m clearly being dramatic but oh my god this is how it feels. Like first there was this whole thing at the school I sub for, then my dad, then the neighbors, now my pill-body readjustment. As I type I feel very shitty for even letting these thoughts out of my head. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can blame on the pills affecting my mood and how much is me whining like a little baby. I know for sure it’s a mix of both.

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Vyvanse Day 15

700 AM: I overslept. Good news is, I did fall asleep. Bad news is, I didn’t take Vyvanse on time.


The people upstairs are insane. So like I said, I finally fell asleep lat night. Which I figured I would. But I ended up oversleeping and taking muh pillz several hours later. No bueno. Right now someone is shouting “I HAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEAM” over and over again.

I had a dream once. It died once my neighbors moved in.

I haven’t had any headaches so far. No nausea. Still no appetite, but I’ve noticed that I do feel slightly hungry for the rest of the day once I finally do eat. Like that sliiiight hunger you feel when you’re starting to get bored but not so bored that you are bored-eating. Does that make sense? Probably not. Just, you know, like maybe you could eat some crackers or something.

My brain feels like pudding but that’s probably a combination of the past few days. I figure it’ll fix itself once I start sleeping properly and taking my pills on time again. It might be worth noting that going off schedule – both pill and sleep-wise – has a notable effect, though. It’s not like a relapse into fast-brain-madness, but rather, a complete sludge in my head that is difficult to wade through.

I am still perma-thirsty. Occasionally I drink a Coke Zero. I think it’s because I enjoy torturing myself. Every time I have caffeine (outside of the miniscule amount in a candy bar, etc.) it screws up my stomach. It turns me into an ulcer ball, but for some reason I still drink one every once in a while. I’m not kidding myself either, I’m thinking “I want a CZ, but my stomach… ah who cares.” I CARE. I CARE, PAST ERIN. FUTURE ERIN CARES SO MUCH. FUTURE ERIN CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN HOT&SEXY PAIN AND NOTSEXY PAIN. HERE’S A HINT: NOTSEXY PAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF HOSPITALS WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN.

I haven’t noticed caffeine having an effect with the Vyvanse however. Maybe it’s just because I’m so low. I bet higher does have an effect.

That’s it, that’s all I got. Someone do me a favor and kill my upstairs neighbors though. Please. Please.

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Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

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Giving directions to nowhere.

I don’t give good directions. It’s bad enough that I typically say right when pointing left, or left while pointing right. I also am incapable of just plain giving directions. For example, if you wanted to get from Walmart to my work, the directions go a little something like this:

Okay, so leave Walmart. Doesn’t matter which way, just leave until you get to the roundabout. Then you go down, down all the way until you get to 6 (name of the road). Now take six all the way to [town of work]. Okay so go through the roundabout and turn like you’re going to the movies. Keep going, you’re going to go past the movies, all the way until you can’t go straight anymore. Now turn left and go all the way down until it looks like there’s no more right turns left; there’s a secret right turn hiding there, and go onto that one. Then go straight for two blocks and you’re there! The building is dark green. That’s how you get to my work!

See? That’s how I give directions to everywhere. It’s not like I even get lost or anything; even in new cities I almost never get lost. I just can’t tell people how to work the map I’ve developed in my head. I don’t use left right north south east west; I always use down and up and go until you reach (random landmark) but that landmark isn’t actually anything that stands out, it’s just what I picked as the thing to recognize.

And so like I leave my direction-receivers, I leave you with this image. Sorry guys.

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Vyvanse Day 4

700 am: Still arguing with myself to get up and take the damn pill, don’t wanna, don’t wanna be up this early, once I take it I stay awake, there’s no curling back up in bed. Business as usual.


My brain is calmer, slower, but I still have anxiety. It is a strange feeling; like this must be what people with GAD feel like naturally, and I had it sort of upped to 11 because my brain was too fast at the same time.

I still have the whole unnecessary worrying, inability to control it, doomed feeling going on, but I can actually process more of the thoughts and sort of put those thoughts to words. I think it may reduce/eliminate panic attacks altogether because everything would just be built up into one ball of nerves and now, yeah I’m an anxious little girl still, but I don’t have that constant “world falling apart” feeling that was always at the edges of my tippytoes. It was always there. I felt like I could at any point fall over onto the wrong side and have a panic attack, and I just don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells right now.

I really hope this is a permanent feeling.


Losing a pound a day at this point. I’m still trying to eat, but everything makes me nauseated or kind of disgusted after a few bites. Even my go-to milkshakes aren’t appealing. I’m trying to at least get protein in with small (tiny) spoonfuls of peanut butter and those high protein slimfast shakes.

k2-_90e5b9bf-1799-4c24-a44f-0b568cbb6dd1.v1

These ones have 20 grams instead of the usual 10 grams of protein. I know they’re for weight loss, but they taste really good to me (normally) so I try to drink at least one throughout the day to get in the nutrients. I’m considering trying those kids nutrition drinks like Pediasure… they have those for adults right? I’m just afraid of hating the taste and wasting my time with them.

Honestly, I know my Dr. says I should care, but I really don’t care about my caloric intake at the moment. I like that I’m losing weight, even though it’s not in a healthy manner. I do. I’m sorry. What I do care about is my already limited ability to absorb nutrients. I need things like smoothies or whatever that are like a multivitamin in food form so I can get it down quickly and get past my body’s “STOP FEEDING ME GOD DAMN IT” instinct. I’m 5’4, so I know if my Dr. decides I weigh too little she’ll take me right off these pills. I feel like Vyvanse could honestly be a good thing in my life right now and I don’t want to stop so soon without seeing if it can make my brain even better.

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