Tag Archives: Confusion

MIA

In descending order, I give you: Why I’ve Been Gone for Basically a Month.

  1. Here’s the thing about living in-between mountains. Any and all service is completely unreliable. Cell phone service? Internet? Television? Don’t count on it. Don’t rely on it. Make sure you have other things you can do at all times because you never know if you will have service.
    1. My point is, for our wonderful mountain valley, the internet went out for everyone in roughly a 20 mile radius. I mean, it’s like the internet was deleted for everyone. You couldn’t get it through cable, satellite… other common methods…People couldn’t even connect to the internet using their 3G/4G/etc. service on their phones. Occasionally you’d hear about someone getting service on their phones and it’d be dial-up-era slow.
  2. After nearly two weeks, the internet got fixed. I don’t know how, I don’t even understand how it was gone, but it was fixed. Well, this outage fell during our pay the bills time and since we didn’t actually have internet, my mother was not reminded to pay the bill. (And we were kiiind of behind on that to begin with.) So when it came back, we hadn’t paid, and we still didn’t have internet.
  3. My phone doesn’t actually have a data plan. I’ve never been able to use my phone for internets unless there was wifi available for me.
  4. Lastly, by the time our internet was reinstated, I’d fallen out of habit of blogging. I’d sit in bed and think huh, I could be blogging right now, but I wouldn’t get up and do it because once I break a habit, it is incredibly hard to get back into the swing of things.

IMG_1671

Here’s a screenshot of my phone right now. I’m sitting in my room and it says I don’t have cell service. There’s no reason for this! I don’t have a dead spot in my room, I normally have full range in my apartment. Mountains just suck.

Regular posts to begin again. I promise. Well, I promise I’ll try.

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Viewing Your Parents as You Become an Adult (AKA dealing with new information about parents)

I skipped two whole days of blogging! What a tragedy*** for you guys! You must have been devastated!

Just kidding. Truth is, I’ve just been sick. Caught a cold or something and I’ve been laying in bed all day Mon/Tue shivering my ass off and since that’s boring as ALL HELL I got up and wrapped a blanket around myself to keep warm while still sitting at my computer.

*** Side note: I actually wrote “travesty” here first, but it didn’t look right. So I googled it and it totally does not mean what I thought it meant. The weird thing is, every time I’ve heard it being said, they used it as “something terrible, tragedy, devastating” etc. A few entries down on UrbanDictionary confirms this, but wow. I’ve basically been using this word wrong my entire life. End side note. 🙂

So I found out something completely MAJOR about my dad. When we lived in CA, we used to go camping a lot. I loved camping. It was great. I loved playing outside in the forest/woods and playing in the water of waterfalls and trying to catch critters to bring home.

Well, there was one camping trip that we took with uh… three or four of my dad’s “friends”. Quotes because my dad… I dunno. He’s doesn’t particularly like like these people (or anyone really) but he also doesn’t like having no friends so he still associates with people he love/hates. Anyway, we went camping with them. My sister’s gotta be 3 or 4, so that makes me about 9 or 10 at the time. Apparently, completely unbeknownst to me, his friends brought mushrooms (yes, the magical drug kind) on the trip. My dad partook with his friends while my mom watched after my sister and I. I couldn’t believe it! My dad let it slip in a conversation a few days ago, and my mom clearly still disapproves. As in, she wants to pretend it never even happened because otherwise she just gets mad at my dad.

It’s not like at that age I was to know what someone high as fuck was like, but apparently there was a lot of laughing and goofing off and acting like they were dumb teenagers, and I don’t recall that at all. I have very pleasant memories of this camping trip. I don’t remember my dad being out of it or acting strangely at all.

Additionally, it completely changes how I see my dad. I knew he smoked pot a lot before I was born, but he quit because my mom didn’t want it around the baby (aka WONDERFUL ME) and threatened to leave my dad if he didn’t stop. So, he did. I know he has since partaken a few more times, but on the whole, he’s not really done pot since.

I guess I’ve always kinda been daddy’s little girl and it just shocks me to know that since my sister and I have been alive, he’s actually still done drugs. In a completely recreational way, but… I don’t know. I know he’s human. I know he’s not perfect. I don’t expect him to be. I guess I just assumed that once he earned the title “dad” he stopped all the “bad” stuff and slowly began acting like a dad. Which he totally has, there’s just the addition of occasional drug use. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

I always knew that many of my problems (anxiety, depression, addiction) stemmed from his side of the family, because there have been suicides and alcoholism and drug addiction on that side of the family. My mom’s side has anxiety, too, but I think that’s about it. So I knew that there was always this possibility of slipping down those roads if I wasn’t careful, and hey look at that, that’s exactly what happened to me.

He’s still the same person. Nothing’s changed except what I know about him. But it doesn’t feel the same. I need to find a way to incorporate this new information into the same “MY DAD” brain file I got going on.

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It’s Freaking Ash Wednesday Already. I missed everything.

I accidentally ended up on twitter an hour ago and I found out it’s Ash Wednesday. I saw it in the trending section. My thoughts were as follows:

“Ash Wednesday? It’s not Ash Wednesday yet, I don’t get it.”

“It’s Ash Wednesday, holy shit.”

“Wait that means I missed Mardi Gras, that’s so sad!” (Not that it’s anything celebrated in my town. But I like to acknowledge it, I guess.)

“Ohhh, that’s why Rio Carnival was happening, I thought that was really early.”

“At least Easter’s not in March this year, I hate that.”

This is what happens when I’m not outside. Even when I spend all day inside, on the internet, I NEVER know when holidays are. If I am not out, doing things, I lose complete track of when holidays are. It’s so weird. I’m… I’m like completely sort-of “narrow-minded” on the internet, I don’t stray from my regular sites, and so I never come across people talking about what day it is. Even Google today. I couldn’t even count on Google to tell me what day it was. You know the Google Doodles that tell you something special about that day. Today’s is Google Doodle Ash Wednesday

Alessandro Volta’s 270th birthday. Which is cool and all, but it didn’t tell me what today was. And now I feel like an oblivious idiot because everything was going on around me and I’m just sitting here like “la la la,  ooh, fun internet, nothing to do, paint my nails, waiting on these pills to make my brain settle, all about me, la la la la la laaaaa!”

I mean, it’s not like I even celebrate this stuff. My grandma is catholic, my mom is… well she was last baptized Mormon I believe… and I have no idea what denomination my dad is. My point is that no one in my family (that we associate with [I can’t believe I actually said that but the family drama on my mom’s AND dad’s side… yeesh]) actually goes to church or actually associates themselves as being anything other than “Christian”, and for my dad, sister and I even that is pushing it. The three of us are literally only “Christian” in that we happen to celebrate those holidays. I think my dad half-believes in God and all that, but my sister and I don’t, currently. So it’s really a matter of which holidays do we want to celebrate, which holidays do we want to give presents during when we have kids… etc.

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What now?

I re-started this blog with a purpose. I wanted personal experiences from people on Vyvanse, I wanted their stories, I wanted their daily life and what to expect. I couldn’t find anything outside of “I’ve been on Vyvanse for ____ weeks/months/years and I love it/I hated it” or whatever. And so I said fine, I’ll be that guinea pig and write my own experiences for other people.

Now I don’t know what to write. I’ve given you all the first month, and it’s simply not realistic to think anyone would write about what they experience on a medication every day for a whole year. I planned to do something like weekly updates as things progress and then maybe slow down even more. But now it’s like, what else is there even to talk about.

Everything else in this blog is literally just random thoughts in my mind while I had wordpress pulled up. I never had a real plan I guess for when my Vyvanse “series” would slow down. I feel like I should still be here, talking about this, but I no longer know what to give people.

That’s it, I guess. I’ll figure something out, even if it means adding posts and pretending they were up before they were.

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Vyvanse Day 25 (The day I missed a pill completely but don’t feel weird or anything I swear)

700 AM: Unfffff I fucked up. No pill today. Sleep schedule thrown so off I was asleep until nearly 12, and you’re not supposed to take the pill if it’s after 12. Close enough.


Well this sucks. But I’m generally pretty terrible at pill schedule management. I’ve been trying so hard though, it’s such a disappointment that I didn’t get today in.

I mean, nothing feels really different. I don’t know how long the medicine stays in your body. I know that the effects tend to taper off after about 14 hours… so it must just be enough in my system to make my brain happy, but not enough to make me feel anything. I don’t know, that doesn’t really make sense now.

I’m still keeping up with my “regular” eating/drinking habits, so even though I’m not dying of thirst today I still feel this constant need to be drinking water like my body might at any minute show signs of death by thirst. So I’m also still peeing a lot. Do you have any idea how inconvenient that is? I mean, I can’t go anywhere without needing to pee every hour, two if I’m lucky. It’s ridiculous. I’m jealous of people who… I don’t know, have larger bladder capacities or something. Maybe this is supposed to be normal and those people aren’t drinking enough so they never need to pee.

I didn’t magically get my appetite back so I’m not gorging myself on anything. I had a protein shake earlier and I ate a banana. I bought Cheez-It’s a few days ago and those are slowly dwindling down. I fucking love Cheez-It’s. Cheez-It’s, and Haribo gummy cherries, and only the Reese’s cups that are holiday shaped. Oh and also cinnamon & spice oatmeal, and any chocolate that is milk+white swirled or filled, and freaking green beans. I looove green beans.

This kind of just became a list of my favorite food. Maybe it is a little noticeable that I missed a dose. I’m not even hungry, I just started listing food I would eat every day. Notice exactly half of the items are candy. I love candy.

So to finish: in case any of you guys are hungry out there, here are some pictures of the candy I listed. Go buy me some. Oh, what, you thought the pictures were to entice you? No, no, just here’s the pictures and go buy me my favorite candies. Thanks. 🙂

candytypes

Credit to cherryconferderate.com for actually having a picture of various holiday Reese’s shown together.

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Vyvanse Day 22

700 AM: Wake up, don’t be totally grumpy, take pill, stay awake, everything is smooth. Phew!


Today’s been pretty uneventful. I did forget to eat until about lunchtime because my mom, my friend, and I kept finding something new to talk about. I didn’t feel hungry, obviously, but I never intended to NOT eat, I usually just force myself to eat a banana/protein shake… sometimes oatmeal. Something, you know? So that’s probably the biggest thing regarding the Vyvanse that happened today.

I don’t feel irritated or nauseated. I don’t have any stomach pains today, no headaches. So, pretty good overall.

I am a little concerned about the medication and my depression. I entertained this option because I’ve exhausted nearly all other options of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, alone and combined. What concerns me is that I feel like my brain is a little clearer now, but it means that I’m recognizing aspects of my depression. While I’d like to get better completely, it definitely was easier when I was just ambivalent toward everything. Living life where you literally just don’t care is surprisingly easy. It also comes with a lack of motivation. “I don’t care if I do anything. I don’t care if I am at home or at a store or at a friends house. I don’t care about the conversation, I don’t care about watching tv, I don’t care about anything, anyone.”

That’s not really the case anymore. I am feeling more natural motivation to do something, and I’m definitely afraid that one day, that motivation will manifest itself in actually attempting suicide. There’s just a scary part of battling depression where medication is working for you, you are getting out of the “I don’t care/I’m numb” funk, but now you feel a lot. You feel a whole lot and you care a lot and then you can suddenly care about killing yourself. It’s very scary for me thinking that I can suddenly be overwhelmed again with my feelings about myself, and have motivation to do things, so… I’m motivated to kill myself. I don’t want to be motivated to kill myself. I’ve been through that, and I’ve seen what it does to other people; knowing that their friend/girlfriend/daughter whatever, tried to kill herself, and it’s only through sheer luck that she’s even alive right now.

I got a bit lost there on how to explain anything. I’m still not sure how much sense I am making. Oh well. Next time.

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Vyvanse Day 21

700 AM: Take pill. Be bored. Crawl back into warm bed, but surprisingly, do not fall back asleep. Interesting.


Hooooooooooooooooo boy is that “upper abdominal pain” back. Seems to come and go, it’s not steady. I am super annoyed. I was mildly annoyed about the pain, but holy hell did I get super fucking angry after trying to order on Ulta.com. That’s a long story so I will make it it’s own post.

I have lost another pound but I don’t feel like my appetite has changed. I just sort of snack. Still drinking protein shakes. I think they’re saving my life. I don’t think I would be getting any nutrition without them.

I did stay awake after taking the pill, so that’s something. Before it was like if I put my mind to it, I was going back to sleep even with the pill. I don’t think that’ll be happening anymore. Which is good, because that’s part of the point of taking them, but also bad because I get bored doing nothing all day. I don’t even care about watching TV. Good thing we have the DVR because I would never be able to keep up with the few shows I do want to follow.

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Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

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Cactus Toucher.

What is it about cactuses (cacti, sorry) that makes them so appealing to touch? Why do I have a compulsive urge to touch them? I always get hurt. Sometimes I even get one of the prickers in my finger because I touched too hard! You can’t touch the cactuses! YOU JUST CAN’T!

Erin Cactus

But I touch them every time. I can’t control myself. I guess I got lucky, because one time my ex gave me a grow your own cactus kit because I can’t keep things alive right? And cactuses don’t even need anything, you just water them when you remember and they keep on living!

Well I was never able to actually grow those cactuses. So maybe it’s good news because I’d always have bloody fingertips and cactus prickers all over me. Now I just have regular fingertips and no prickers but sometimes cat scratches because I don’t leave our cats alone. I bother them.

Don’t touch the cactus, don’t touch the pan-it’s hot, don’t walk across the street before looking-you’ll get yourself killed. 

It’s like they think I can’t take care of myself or something, so weird right.

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Vyvanse Day 8 (I feel like a toddler)

700 AM: You can probably guess where this is going. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the Vyvanse, because I have always been the type of person who sets an alarm and I can get up and get going, no questions asked. Suddenly, I set an alarm to get up and it is getting increasingly more difficult to actually get up. It’s the worst (physical) part of depression for me; the inability to get out of bed and do anything. Maybe a sleep quality issue? I don’t know. Something to make not of and ask Dr.


So, title says it all. I feel like a fucking toddler. The frustration of not getting what I want is killing me and making me behave like I’m a child. Frustration has moved up the rankings as something that I am not able to tolerate. Especially since it has changed the way I react to it. I need to regain more control over my emotions and, you know, act like a fucking adult about shit.

I can make the comparison to my own anxiety reactions. Everything I was ever anxious about — from the teeniest tiniest things to real valid worries — I typically overreacted to. I knew I was overreacting but I couldn’t control it. People around me learned that I could acknowledge that this was stupid, this was not something anyone would even pick up on their radar as a worry, but here I was practically in tears over it.

My new-found frustrations feel a hell of a lot like that. I completely understand and acknowledge that this is stupid, why am I getting upset or angry about this, I don’t freaking know but I need to leave the room because I am literally ready to walk out of the house and not come back.

I mean, talk about a fucking overreaction. This isn’t some deal-breaker event, no life-changing, ethics-challenging circumstance where I would be dumping a fiancé over it. We’re talking about small-medium (smedium?) inconvenience where I’ve been trying to get to the bank for a week to score a huge discount on my contacts. And that is important, because I don’t make much and insurance doesn’t cover my contacts and contacts are ridiculously expensive.

But it is NOT worth feeling so frustrated that I want to just walk away from everything. That is a significant change in my own style, one that I need to keep an eye on because that could be a major mood side effect (one that takes you off of Vyvanse), or it could just be “irritability”, which is normal and fine and goes away.

I think I need to take like a kickboxing class or something, for stress relief or maybe just so I can hit things. A punching bag… I have no room for a punching bag. That’d be nice though. I bet I’d have great arms.

For Your Viewing Pleasure, I Present: Glarin’ Erin Toddler Sad

Me Sad Fixed

I took the picture with my iphone, so I tried to clean it up a bit, but it was taken with a disposable camera to begin with, so it’s not easy to fix. Personally, I think the red-eye I removed made me look even more pitiful. So here’s all three: Fully fixed, Fixed with red-eye, and original.

Me sad ALL

Click for full size, reaaaaally get all the details 😉

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