Tag Archives: Depression

Here’s the Roundup

So. It’s May. I have since been upped to 60mg of Vyvanse. I think it’s really working. I take it in combination with 50mg Zoloft and I no longer have any irritability issues. I also haven’t had any problems with my stomach or anything. Still steadily losing weight, and my Dr is definitely going to say something soon, which is soooo upsetting. I like being thinner!

I still have my ups and downs with depression, but it’s not as often as it used to be, so I think I’m getting better. I really just need things to do, otherwise I feel useless and just beat myself up.

Anxiety is still being managed with Klonopin and it’s still kind of out of nowhere.

I can’t hear anything. Heh. It’s happened before; for like 1-2 weeks, my ears just decide they only want to work at half-speed and so I’m going around all “What? WHAT? Wait are you talking? Crap. Wait say that first part again? I didn’t know you were talking to me,” And so on. They don’t feel any different than normal. Nothing is changed, but now I can’t hear as well and in a week or so it’ll suddenly clear up and whatever. It’s super bizarre. Not bizarre enough for me to go to the doctor for it though! Bleh.

So here I sit, with another 20 pounds of henna on my head to fix/enhance the first batch. I used a different recipe too. And I made more, but I ended up with leftovers, but not enough for another application so I stuck it in a bottle (and also used a toothpick) and drew a design on my arm.

IMG_1678

It’s so bad! Hahahahah I am definitely not a henna artist.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 5 (Belated)

Well.

So I haven’t posted in over a week now. Sorry.

I think I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It’s hard. It’s very defeating. I don’t want to do anything because I am psyching myself out.

I’ve got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be an update then.

And now, here’s the late weekly update.

My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting “reminder meals” to grazing, because actual “meals” are just too much. It’s too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don’t end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I’m NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I’m losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not trying to risk my health, I’m not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don’t know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I’ve lost a lot in three weeks and I don’t know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It’s unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it.

On a different note, I’ve only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids.

I don’t believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you’re super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 4

I can already hear you all groaning at my latest complaint. I can hear it. You’re like “Erin, of all the things to complain about, this is such BS. You’re a bitch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as side effects go, my worst one is… the fact that I don’t get hungry at all, and I have to ask people if I’ve eaten anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know, I know! It’s ridiculous. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I mean, who wouldn’t love never feeling hungry? But I do know that my body cannot sustain itself that way and I have to eat something or else a week from now I’ll have no energy and a massive headache and wonder what’s wrong with myself. HMMMMMM.

I do enjoy my brain now. it’s like, I can do anything! But I also feel myself sort of slipping into depression-mode, and I am so insanely terrified of what might happen if I find myself depressed and motivated. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s still just a big fear of mine right now.

I still don’t have any irritable outbursts. Except when it comes to my upstairs neighbors. Speaking of whom, they are killing me. I just don’t understand how you can let your kid scream his head off at you or at his xbox all while knowing you are having “sound” issues with your surrounding neighbors. SERIOUSLY? And how can you still drop shit constantly and move furniture constantly (?!? WTF is up with that, though) and vacuum after midnight constantly. They piss me the fuck off and I have never, never been so mad at neighbors before. It’s an apartment building! You don’t live in a house, so you HAVE to be considerate of other people.

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Viewing Your Parents as You Become an Adult (AKA dealing with new information about parents)

I skipped two whole days of blogging! What a tragedy*** for you guys! You must have been devastated!

Just kidding. Truth is, I’ve just been sick. Caught a cold or something and I’ve been laying in bed all day Mon/Tue shivering my ass off and since that’s boring as ALL HELL I got up and wrapped a blanket around myself to keep warm while still sitting at my computer.

*** Side note: I actually wrote “travesty” here first, but it didn’t look right. So I googled it and it totally does not mean what I thought it meant. The weird thing is, every time I’ve heard it being said, they used it as “something terrible, tragedy, devastating” etc. A few entries down on UrbanDictionary confirms this, but wow. I’ve basically been using this word wrong my entire life. End side note. 🙂

So I found out something completely MAJOR about my dad. When we lived in CA, we used to go camping a lot. I loved camping. It was great. I loved playing outside in the forest/woods and playing in the water of waterfalls and trying to catch critters to bring home.

Well, there was one camping trip that we took with uh… three or four of my dad’s “friends”. Quotes because my dad… I dunno. He’s doesn’t particularly like like these people (or anyone really) but he also doesn’t like having no friends so he still associates with people he love/hates. Anyway, we went camping with them. My sister’s gotta be 3 or 4, so that makes me about 9 or 10 at the time. Apparently, completely unbeknownst to me, his friends brought mushrooms (yes, the magical drug kind) on the trip. My dad partook with his friends while my mom watched after my sister and I. I couldn’t believe it! My dad let it slip in a conversation a few days ago, and my mom clearly still disapproves. As in, she wants to pretend it never even happened because otherwise she just gets mad at my dad.

It’s not like at that age I was to know what someone high as fuck was like, but apparently there was a lot of laughing and goofing off and acting like they were dumb teenagers, and I don’t recall that at all. I have very pleasant memories of this camping trip. I don’t remember my dad being out of it or acting strangely at all.

Additionally, it completely changes how I see my dad. I knew he smoked pot a lot before I was born, but he quit because my mom didn’t want it around the baby (aka WONDERFUL ME) and threatened to leave my dad if he didn’t stop. So, he did. I know he has since partaken a few more times, but on the whole, he’s not really done pot since.

I guess I’ve always kinda been daddy’s little girl and it just shocks me to know that since my sister and I have been alive, he’s actually still done drugs. In a completely recreational way, but… I don’t know. I know he’s human. I know he’s not perfect. I don’t expect him to be. I guess I just assumed that once he earned the title “dad” he stopped all the “bad” stuff and slowly began acting like a dad. Which he totally has, there’s just the addition of occasional drug use. I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

I always knew that many of my problems (anxiety, depression, addiction) stemmed from his side of the family, because there have been suicides and alcoholism and drug addiction on that side of the family. My mom’s side has anxiety, too, but I think that’s about it. So I knew that there was always this possibility of slipping down those roads if I wasn’t careful, and hey look at that, that’s exactly what happened to me.

He’s still the same person. Nothing’s changed except what I know about him. But it doesn’t feel the same. I need to find a way to incorporate this new information into the same “MY DAD” brain file I got going on.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?

zoloft_hill_group

MAYBE THEY WOULDN’T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN’T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for skin and bones — anorexia-style and really I am not.
Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.

FIN.

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It’s been a long road to today (It’s also been a long post, sorry.)

I know I’ve mentioned bits and pieces of this, but let me tell you my story here, in one place.

I was never thought of as an ADD/ADHD kid. I got fantastic grades with no problem. I never did my homework and I still passed with flying colors. Teachers generally liked me. It was nothing like you see on TV. At home, I was easy and pretty much kept to myself. My parents always tell me that I was an easy kid, and they were like “Babies, kids? We can totally handle this!” and then they had my sister who cried all the time, and was generally a difficult kid to raise.

He he heh heh he hehehe 🙂

I like to think I was secretly being the best baby/child ever to trick them. (That can’t be true, I vehemently insisted on not getting a baby brother or sister. But if we ignore that little part…)

When I went off to college, things started falling apart. I was having trouble dealing with personal issues, as well as the pressure of college and adjusting to a big university. I dropped out before finishing the first year. But, I went back to the town because I had a boyfriend, and I had my friends, and it was a college town, so even if I didn’t do school in a typical fashion, I could still work and start my life. That didn’t work out too well for me either, considering there were all of 12 jobs for 30,000 students. I also still struggled with my past and not using it against my boyfriend. I was acting very neurotic. I mean, I am kind of neurotic, so it was really just a more extreme version of me. Still, it really surprised everyone when I tried to kill myself.

My first diagnosis was Adjustment Disorder.

After that, I got something I don’t remember the name of. Hah! But basically, she said that it’s possible I had a sort of break from reality and I didn’t understand what I was doing, or the consequences of what I was doing. That one is definitely not true. I knew exactly what I was doing, I just fucked up by “breaking up” with my boyfriend beforehand in order to tie up loose ends. I didn’t realize he was going to come over right away and try to work things out with me… which meant he found me and, well, saved my life.

I found a new psych and we moved on to General Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, PTSD, Panic Disorder… That’s all the paperwork I have at my disposal it seems, but there are gaps in there so I know there were more diagnoses I can’t remember.

For once, being told I have ADD instead of just being called flaky and spacey and off in her own world… that made sense. But it also meant that getting to the heart of my depression and anxiety would be harder. It’s kind of like I’m a large Venn Diagram, where the center of it just says “crazy”.

Okay, I’m kidding about the crazy part, but if I can’t laugh at myself, I can’t get through my own life. The Venn Diagram thing is real though, it’s sort of how you can have multiple similar diagnoses. Like, you fit everything for MDD, but you also have strange panicky things and mood swings SPECIFICALLY when you have a major change in your life? That’s how MDD and Adjustment Disorder can mix. Psychology is a fucking mess.

I realize now I have no idea how to end this!

So, I guess, for those of you out there reading this and thinking you might fall into one or more categories I just mentioned, please talk to someone. Schools have counselors. There are free clinics all over the place. I personally go to a free/reduced clinic, because I can’t afford a personal practice psych. It might take longer to get an appropriate diagnosis, but it’s so worth it. Just knowing that someone out there can tell you what you have is real, what you feel is completely normal given your diagnosis, etc. It’s made me cry on many occasions. It’s such a relief. Please get help.

Some resources I’ve used (because I tend to research my brains out and so maybe don’t overdo it on the research…)

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Vyvanse Day 30

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, fall back asleep. Ack! Inconsistency bothers me.


I think I wake up in a bad mood a lot because I’m mad at myself for not staying up after taking my pill. It’s like it’s not even me, because I do it all half-asleep so I don’t even realize I’m crawling back into bed. How annoying!

Today marks 1 full month of being on Vyvanse. (I say one full month because the prescriptions come in 30 dose pill bottles. That’s my marker.) I am still feeling very mixed about it. I like the good things that happen. I like that I can definitely notice a change in how my brain is working. I like that I am going slower and I can put focus into anything I want.

I don’t like the side effects, but they’re not bad enough (for me) to stop Vyvanse altogether. They’re annoying, but I haven’t been on a dosage for long enough to see if my body will adjust to it, so I don’t want to stop. I also don’t like that while I can put my full focus and attention into anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making good decisions. For example, if I were in high school, I would be able to focus completely on my homework and actually do it. (I never did homework in high school. I got A’s without HW.) But that doesn’t mean I would make the decision to DO the homework. I might choose to put my focus on reading, or cleaning, or basically anything else.

I suppose that’s really more of an Erin problem, though. I think I might have expected too much out of my medication, like it would magically make me want to do important grown-upy things, and that’s just not the case. Or maybe it would just be easier to tell if I’m gaining all the benefits if I were in school, or some setting where you can actually see improvement. Like sure I think my brain works better with this, but I don’t know if I’m even using it to it’s potential so…

I guess that’s something that has more to do with… hmphhh I can’t think right now. Like self-worth? It’s something that I’m going to have to work on in therapy, rather than something that can be fixed with a pill. I guess I have to MAKE the decisions to do something, to better myself in some way, and ADD medication is only clearing my brain out to see what’s wrong. It’s not going to make the depression go away, it’s just going to make me…

I’m so incoherent right now. I can’t think off the words I want or even what I want to convey.

My final point is, I guess I was so excited to try an alternative-backdoor method for my depression/anxiety that I never considered the part where I’m still going to have to go to therapy to deal with, you know, myself.

I’m going to end this with an old picture of my kitty sleeping with her tongue out. She’s so black that you can’t make out her features unless you fiddle with lighting settings, making her fur look brown instead.

kittytongue

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Vyvanse Day 29

700 AM: Sitting in car, already awake. Sister pointed out that my alarm was going off since I couldn’t hear it in my purse. Dropping madre off at airport around 730-745. The mall doesn’t open until 10 (wtf?) so we have a couple hours to kill. Went to Denny’s.


I haven’t been in a Denny’s for over 10 years I think. The menu’s have changed since I last saw them. Finally got to the mall and went practically straight into the Sephora (which isn’t a full one, it’s a Sephora in JcPenney’s). I got a new moisturizer that I think is really going to help clear up my skin and make me a model. People will look at me and be like, oh yeah, she’s a model, just look at that moisturized skin.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at an appropriate time for the first time in several weeks. I felt stuffed even though I barely ate anything. And then I was just feeling annoyed all day. But the sephora lady was nice. I liked her. She even helped me “diagnose” my mother’s skin without my mom being there and gave me some samples for her to try. I really liked her.

Other than that, I felt like even though it was early and there weren’t a lot of people around, I kept managing to be in the way or other people were just standing there oblivious to being in my way. I don’t know, it’s fairly normal I think but it seemed soooooo much worse today. Like everyone was trying to be bothersome. Sometimes, I swear, I’m just so irritable and annoyed. Just up to 100 all the fucking time. Like I’m in my terrible two’s again! If something is not completely going my way then I am just so frustrated and upset.

I mean, I was never a completely easy-going person to begin with, but I have never been this irritable/annoyed all the time. Before, it could almost always be tied to anxiety somehow. I’m annoyed because plans changed and I don’t know what’s going on now, I’m annoyed because I can’t predict something, I’m annoyed because other people are making me late and I like to be early, etc.

Now, it’s like I’m just being bitchy. I hate that! But I can’t turn it off, it’s just how I feel, and I can’t even warn people because I have no idea if I’m going to be feeling that way or if I’m going to feel great. It’s terrible.

No stomach pain today though. I do have a headache but it developed throughout the day and I think it’s because I was so tense over being around other people. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I haven’t said anything about my brain feelings lately, and it’s because it hasn’t changed that much. I still feel like I am thinking smoother, clearer, but I’m also still smashing my words together and stumbling over sentences. I don’t know if that’s an ADD thing or an Erin thing. I mean, I always said it’s because whenever I talk, I’m already thinking 100 sentences ahead, so everything becomes jumbled or lost completely and I stop talking mid-sentence and everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t know. Sounds like ADD. Sounds like brain speed is too fast. Maybe I’m actually just an idiot though.

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Vyvanse Day 28 (FRIDAY THE 13th WHAAAT)

700 AM: Hit alarm, turn them all off in your sleep, wake up for real around 9. UCK.


This is ridiculous! I feel like I can’t control my body. I can’t wake up and take the pill at the time I need to in order to be able to sleep when I need to.

Luckily, I actually HAVE to leave at 530 AM tomorrow to take my mother to the airport, so no matter what I will be awake when my pill alarm goes off. I’ve already stashed a pill in my purse so I don’t even have to remember to grab the bottle or stick one in my pocket or anything. I AM PREPARED. Maybe tomorrow will sort of “reset” me so I can get back on schedule? Maybe? Probably not. But maybe.

Girl Scout cookies are here! They have been for a few days now but I’m only just thinking about it because I ate an entire box of Tagalongs throughout yesterdaaaaay. That’s 950 calories. I felt like I was stuffing myself to the brim every time I ate one but they’re only around once a year! I HAD TO. I HAD NO CHOICE!

GSC

These are NOT the same boxes I used to sell. Also 4 bucks a box? Shit’s getting expensive!

Haha, but really though. I don’t know why I did it. That’s not really me. Fortunately I’ve got it out of my system, so I can buy a couple more boxes before they go and eat them like normal. Three-four boxes, eat a cookie now and then. That usually lasts me until summer. And then I’m sad because I have to wait to buy more cookies.

Last night my stomach was killing me. The only thing that felt comfortable was lying on the floor. Seriously guys, if you fuck up your meds and you deal with the “upper abdominal pain” side effect, that crap can get HORRIBLE. This is a major warning to anyone on Vyvanse.

I’ve also got a serious headache, I think it’s from yesterday being on 60mg and today only my prescribed 30mg. I’m just so stupidly sensitive to medications. My body revolts at the tiniest thing. I’m betting many people on Vyvanse do not go through as much as I do because their bodies do not act like WHINY LITTLE BABIES. Finally, I’ve also got major irritability going on right now. I’m glad no one is home at the moment because I don’t even want to hear anyone. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to hear them, like, just get out go do something and leave me alone.

I feel really bad about my… “up-down-sideways-backwards” -ness with my family. I can’t even control it. Thankfully, it’s supposed to go away once you’ve reached your optimal dosage, and everything just sort of evens out and goes back to normal. You know, with the upside of fixing your problems.

Of course, that’s just what is supposed to happen, because if it doesn’t any you stay wild and crazy, then this isn’t the medication for you and that would be so devastating to me because I am completely at my wits end. I am almost out of options here. So I am really, really rooting for this to be helping me. And I know it’s doing something, because I can “feel” my brain changing how it thinks and how I process information, so I’m hoping that that is a good sign and not just the normal “well duh, it’s an amphetamine of course you feel that way.”  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it.

The End.

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Vyvanse Day 26

700 AM: Wake up. Get up. Take pill by 730. Smoke detector alarm going off because of low battery, so every 1-2 minutes, hear “BEEEEEP”. Today is not a good day, BEEEEEP is driving you to actual tears. Luckily, Dad unplugs the connection until someone goes to the store to buy a pack of 9V’s. Anxiety is through the roof and it’s not even lunchtime.


I think, because I missed yesterday, my brain is all out of whack. We got a notice on the door yesterday ~5-6PM that they would be coming by sometime to check out the noise levels because they were testing something upstairs. AKA the goddamn floors. AKA the bane of my existence. This was also considered our 24h notice. I’m literally convinced they don’t actually know what “24h notice” means. They typically give us these notices at night, right before the office closes, and then someone might show up the next morning (not 24 hours) or not at all. And then they give us another notice saying sorry we’re coming to do it whenever we feel like, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. The managers are assholes. It’s been like this for years. I’m glad I technically live in another complex.

To be totally clear, (I think I mentioned it offhand before), I don’t actually live with my parents. I live down the block with a roommate. When I started this brand new drug regimen, I/my family/my Dr decided it would be best/easiest if I temporarily stayed with my parents again because they know me best. They know my personality, they’ve dealt with me during deep depression/anxiety years, etc., so they would be the first to know if something was really wrong and I needed to stop right away. Especially since I don’t often recognize the “bad” side effects, since they kind of change your personality a bit and I will fight tooth and nail that nothing is changed, you’re just a bitch, etc. My parents know this, they’ve dealt with it, they can throw me back to the Dr and say yeah this needs to stop now.

But that’s a little off topic. Anyway, I managed my pill at my usual time. I’ve been awake since then. I feel very wound up, probably because of the impending intrusion, the fact that it may or may not happen, and a huge fear on my part that they come during a quiet part and decide hey nothing is wrong it’s not noisy at all! I’m so afraid of that. I don’t even have to live here after I stabilize on the Vyvanse and I am fucking terrified of living with this noise for that long. It’s just a very, very deep seated unease I am feeling.

They were being noisy as hell last night, again, and around 1130 I attempted to record their noise levels so I could at least prove that it happens, even if no one was home to be noisy when the managers came to visit. I turned on EVERYTHING I had that could record. I tried my computer, I tried my tablet, I tried my iPhone. I tried video recording, I tried voice only recording. NOTHING could properly pick up the noise. Everything was staticky and you could hear the CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP that would happen, but you couldn’t hear the voices unless you knew what you were looking for in the static. It was so disheartening. I thought I had this great idea and I couldn’t produce anything. It sucked. I even emailed the best ones (my iPhone) to myself and downloaded audio programs to try to clean it up, but I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I can get rid of the static, but then everything is tinny and it kind of sounds fake. Plus, the voices go away. I need the voices to accompany the CLOMP-THUD-SLAM that they do so everyone knows what we can actually hear.

I don’t even know what they would do if they realized how bad it is. Like, are you going to tell the people, “Sorry, we know your lease is for a newly upgraded model with ‘wooden’ floors, but it turns out it’s too noisy so we have to give you carpet.” I mean, they’ve effectively screwed everyone over with this BS. Either we get stuck with the constant noise, or they have to fuck over the people upstairs and force them into dealing with workers trying to fix the sound insulation, or take away their floors.

Not that I feel that bad about them upstairs. The more I listen to them, the more I think that they are honestly rude, inconsiderate assholes who won’t give a damn that they are so fucking loud. I don’t think going up to them and talking is an option. After listening to them talk to each other, and them dealing with their shithead teen kid (he sounds like a real piece of work), and them vacuuming/dropping shit/dragging things around past midnight… I mean… COME ON.

My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I can’t lessen my anxiety, and either there’s something stuck under my eyelid I can’t find or my eye got scratched so now I have to wear my glasses which aren’t even the right prescription. Everything is  just dramatic and terrible today, I need to crawl back into bed and wait for tomorrow to fix this mess.

This is long. Thanks for listening to me whine. Sorry about that.

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