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Vyvanse Weekly Update 5 (Belated)

Well.

So I haven’t posted in over a week now. Sorry.

I think I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It’s hard. It’s very defeating. I don’t want to do anything because I am psyching myself out.

I’ve got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be an update then.

And now, here’s the late weekly update.

My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting “reminder meals” to grazing, because actual “meals” are just too much. It’s too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don’t end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I’m NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I’m losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not trying to risk my health, I’m not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don’t know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I’ve lost a lot in three weeks and I don’t know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It’s unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it.

On a different note, I’ve only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids.

I don’t believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you’re super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 4

I can already hear you all groaning at my latest complaint. I can hear it. You’re like “Erin, of all the things to complain about, this is such BS. You’re a bitch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as side effects go, my worst one is… the fact that I don’t get hungry at all, and I have to ask people if I’ve eaten anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know, I know! It’s ridiculous. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I mean, who wouldn’t love never feeling hungry? But I do know that my body cannot sustain itself that way and I have to eat something or else a week from now I’ll have no energy and a massive headache and wonder what’s wrong with myself. HMMMMMM.

I do enjoy my brain now. it’s like, I can do anything! But I also feel myself sort of slipping into depression-mode, and I am so insanely terrified of what might happen if I find myself depressed and motivated. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s still just a big fear of mine right now.

I still don’t have any irritable outbursts. Except when it comes to my upstairs neighbors. Speaking of whom, they are killing me. I just don’t understand how you can let your kid scream his head off at you or at his xbox all while knowing you are having “sound” issues with your surrounding neighbors. SERIOUSLY? And how can you still drop shit constantly and move furniture constantly (?!? WTF is up with that, though) and vacuum after midnight constantly. They piss me the fuck off and I have never, never been so mad at neighbors before. It’s an apartment building! You don’t live in a house, so you HAVE to be considerate of other people.

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Vyvanse Day 29

700 AM: Sitting in car, already awake. Sister pointed out that my alarm was going off since I couldn’t hear it in my purse. Dropping madre off at airport around 730-745. The mall doesn’t open until 10 (wtf?) so we have a couple hours to kill. Went to Denny’s.


I haven’t been in a Denny’s for over 10 years I think. The menu’s have changed since I last saw them. Finally got to the mall and went practically straight into the Sephora (which isn’t a full one, it’s a Sephora in JcPenney’s). I got a new moisturizer that I think is really going to help clear up my skin and make me a model. People will look at me and be like, oh yeah, she’s a model, just look at that moisturized skin.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at an appropriate time for the first time in several weeks. I felt stuffed even though I barely ate anything. And then I was just feeling annoyed all day. But the sephora lady was nice. I liked her. She even helped me “diagnose” my mother’s skin without my mom being there and gave me some samples for her to try. I really liked her.

Other than that, I felt like even though it was early and there weren’t a lot of people around, I kept managing to be in the way or other people were just standing there oblivious to being in my way. I don’t know, it’s fairly normal I think but it seemed soooooo much worse today. Like everyone was trying to be bothersome. Sometimes, I swear, I’m just so irritable and annoyed. Just up to 100 all the fucking time. Like I’m in my terrible two’s again! If something is not completely going my way then I am just so frustrated and upset.

I mean, I was never a completely easy-going person to begin with, but I have never been this irritable/annoyed all the time. Before, it could almost always be tied to anxiety somehow. I’m annoyed because plans changed and I don’t know what’s going on now, I’m annoyed because I can’t predict something, I’m annoyed because other people are making me late and I like to be early, etc.

Now, it’s like I’m just being bitchy. I hate that! But I can’t turn it off, it’s just how I feel, and I can’t even warn people because I have no idea if I’m going to be feeling that way or if I’m going to feel great. It’s terrible.

No stomach pain today though. I do have a headache but it developed throughout the day and I think it’s because I was so tense over being around other people. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I haven’t said anything about my brain feelings lately, and it’s because it hasn’t changed that much. I still feel like I am thinking smoother, clearer, but I’m also still smashing my words together and stumbling over sentences. I don’t know if that’s an ADD thing or an Erin thing. I mean, I always said it’s because whenever I talk, I’m already thinking 100 sentences ahead, so everything becomes jumbled or lost completely and I stop talking mid-sentence and everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t know. Sounds like ADD. Sounds like brain speed is too fast. Maybe I’m actually just an idiot though.

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Vyvanse Day 23

700 AM: Wake up, hit* alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Do this until about 830, realize you’re fucking up your own schedule, and finally get up to take pill.


*I actually use my iphone as my alarm, so it’s not hitting it technically. I’m also not “snoozing” the alarm, I actually just have them go off at 10-15 minute intervals in the morning. It used to start around 8 and only be set earlier if I needed to be early, but now they’re at 7 and continue until 9.

I set them not because I’m a masochist (okay fine I am but not the point), but because I will turn off an alarm, and not actually follow the directions of the alarm. Like if it’s to wake up, I turn it off and won’t get up. If it’s to take a pill, I turn it off and then forget to take the pill. So I have multiple alarms go off. It must be annoying for others, but it doesn’t really bother me.

I “forgot” to eat again this morning. It’s not really forgetting, I just put it off and do something else (conversation, get on computer, go do something outside, shopping, whatever.) and then I continue to push it further and further and then suddenly it’s 2PM and I’m not hungry, but I am craving something. That’s what I’ve noticed that not eating/Vyvanse makes me feel. I’m not sure which one it really is. But yeah, if I don’t eat on a schedule or if I don’t start eating early enough after taking the pill, I won’t get hungry. I will begin to crave something. Like today I really wanted a McDonald’s cheeseburger. For completely no reason. I got it and actually it wasn’t up to par.

I don’t normally turn my nose up at fast food places like many people in my area do. I know it’s a preference for sure, but I think a lot of people “hate” McDonald’s because it’s cool to hate it. I’m not saying it’s amazing, because gimme a break, it’s fast food, but it’s also not the horrible gagworthy pukefest people make it out to be.

My burger bun was stale today though. So that was a little sad.

Also sad was that I didn’t win the lottery last night, but GOOD NEWS IS NO ONE ELSE DID EITHER so it went up and now it’s currently at 450 million. It’ll change by the drawing so that’s why I say currently. It’ll go up again. When the jackpot gets really high like this I get all fantasize-y and start planning out my new dream life. I’ve got tabs of houses open, I’ve got car brands open to look at new cars, I open luxury store sites, etc. I get allllll up in the rich life. Luckily I never expect to win so I don’t get disappointed too much. Just a little. Like aww… I wanted to be rich. 😦 Oh well.

Lastly, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a few more pounds but I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days so I don’t know for sure. But going up in dosage has changed my eating habits enough that I think I’ve lost more weight. I hope 😉

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Vyvanse Day 22

700 AM: Wake up, don’t be totally grumpy, take pill, stay awake, everything is smooth. Phew!


Today’s been pretty uneventful. I did forget to eat until about lunchtime because my mom, my friend, and I kept finding something new to talk about. I didn’t feel hungry, obviously, but I never intended to NOT eat, I usually just force myself to eat a banana/protein shake… sometimes oatmeal. Something, you know? So that’s probably the biggest thing regarding the Vyvanse that happened today.

I don’t feel irritated or nauseated. I don’t have any stomach pains today, no headaches. So, pretty good overall.

I am a little concerned about the medication and my depression. I entertained this option because I’ve exhausted nearly all other options of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, alone and combined. What concerns me is that I feel like my brain is a little clearer now, but it means that I’m recognizing aspects of my depression. While I’d like to get better completely, it definitely was easier when I was just ambivalent toward everything. Living life where you literally just don’t care is surprisingly easy. It also comes with a lack of motivation. “I don’t care if I do anything. I don’t care if I am at home or at a store or at a friends house. I don’t care about the conversation, I don’t care about watching tv, I don’t care about anything, anyone.”

That’s not really the case anymore. I am feeling more natural motivation to do something, and I’m definitely afraid that one day, that motivation will manifest itself in actually attempting suicide. There’s just a scary part of battling depression where medication is working for you, you are getting out of the “I don’t care/I’m numb” funk, but now you feel a lot. You feel a whole lot and you care a lot and then you can suddenly care about killing yourself. It’s very scary for me thinking that I can suddenly be overwhelmed again with my feelings about myself, and have motivation to do things, so… I’m motivated to kill myself. I don’t want to be motivated to kill myself. I’ve been through that, and I’ve seen what it does to other people; knowing that their friend/girlfriend/daughter whatever, tried to kill herself, and it’s only through sheer luck that she’s even alive right now.

I got a bit lost there on how to explain anything. I’m still not sure how much sense I am making. Oh well. Next time.

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Vyvanse Day 9

700 AM: I put the alarm away from me so I’d have to get up to turn it off. THAT didn’t work. I just got up and turned it off and went back into bed. I didn’t take the pill until almost 8. Fuck. This is getting harder.


My weight loss has stalled, which is unfortunate (for me because I wanted to lose more) but really probably fortunate for my Dr. who will like that I didn’t drop 20 pounds on the baby dose. Eating is still hard though. It really does feel like I am forcing myself to eat. Sometimes I do the “Plug your nose so you can’t taste it and just swallow really quickly!” thing but that doesn’t overcome the nausea I feel after it’s all in me. I bought anti-nausea pills and I think that helps a bit, probably what’s keeping me eating AND not losing weight. Y’know. Because that’s not the end goal here. Being as skinny as I want. 😐

Me, misuse drugs? Never.

pillbody

I’d love to know where this picture comes from. I tried reverse searching it but the oldest hit was a site-crawler back in 2007 or something.

ANYWAY. I still have headaches out the wazoo. I’ve all but stopped drinking anything but water, and I drink a lot of it, so I don’t know if these pills just dehydrate me so freaking much that I’m still getting D-headaches or if they are actually just caused by the Vyvanse. Irritability is there. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve not even reached week 2 on this yet. Things can still change. I just really don’t like myself right now. Or anyone else for that matter. My family are practically saints for putting up with this.

I still feel this constant need to do something, work toward something. Right now I’m just kind of wandering around lost, like I don’t want to just be on the internet all the time, I don’t want to just watch TV, I need to know that I am headed toward something but I’m not. It doesn’t override the fact that I hate exercise though. Which isn’t good because my blood pressure has been hovering in the normal-high range and I might need an actual exercise plan in order to keep it down but also stay on Vyvanse.

Brain-wise, I’m definitely slower. I still kind of feel like my thoughts are all over the place but more and more, they’re getting to be complete thoughts and not just half-sentences I couldn’t finish because I thought of something else (related or not.) I don’t think I’m acting as spacey as I usually do, which is a good sign, a really good sign. It’s the sign that hey, you probably really did have ADD and this isn’t just another bad-ending way of tackling your depression/anxiety.

PLUS, there’s been heavy hints from my Dr. that fixing the ADD might make the depression go away altogether. It might not, it might be too late for me to completely be depression-free, but I do like the hope. I keep noticing my own personal signs of depression and I’m talking to them like like they’re an imaginary friend, like “Hey, hey you LACK OF MOTIVATION, you’re going to go away soon. HAH SUCK IT.” and sometimes “HEY, hey you FEELING OF GUILT AND EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD, yeah, oh yeah that’s gonna be a thing of the past. SUCKKKK IT!”

I might even be able to develop coping skills for my anxiety once there isn’t the weight of twelve brains shoved into my one little head. Who knows?! I’m on a new planet called, uhh, Glarin’ Erin 2.0, and we have no idea what’s going to be there.

Galaxyquest-is-there-air-gif

Confession: I had to change my whole last line to get that Galaxy Quest reference in there. The things we do for love.

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Vyvanse Day 6 (or, how I am not patient with myself)

700am: I chose to out BOTH of the alarms today and didn’t actually take the pill until ~720. WHAT A REBEL I AM.


I don’t normally eat breakfast. I’m not hungry in the mornings and so my first meal is typically lunch, followed by a snacky-type-thing around maybe 4 and then something for dinner. And maybe sometimes throw a candy bar in there.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of upper abdominal pain since taking Vyvanse. It IS in fact a common enough symptom, and I just don’t know how to relieve it. Today, I’m trying to take the pill with food (okay, just a few bites of a banana) to see if sort of “diluting” it will help any. That and the constant HULK THIRST are really the only symptoms that bother me.

I’ve been unable to eat more than 1000 calories every day so far. Trust me, as a girl with body issues, this is a pleasant side effect. BUT, as a person who knows how bodies work, I know that this cannot last. Forcing myself to eat is not an option. There are a lot of drink-meal things in my kitchen right now because it feels like I am tricking my body like “HAH! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING HYDRATION LIKE WATER BUT ACTUALLY YOU GOT FOOD, SUCKAAAAA!”

Laughing at stomach

Anyway I wish meds were like magic instant fixers. I don’t like waiting on myself/my body to adjust and I don’t like… lots of other things

I’m sorry I got distracted with family issues and I can’t remember where I was going with all this.

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Vyvanse Day 4

700 am: Still arguing with myself to get up and take the damn pill, don’t wanna, don’t wanna be up this early, once I take it I stay awake, there’s no curling back up in bed. Business as usual.


My brain is calmer, slower, but I still have anxiety. It is a strange feeling; like this must be what people with GAD feel like naturally, and I had it sort of upped to 11 because my brain was too fast at the same time.

I still have the whole unnecessary worrying, inability to control it, doomed feeling going on, but I can actually process more of the thoughts and sort of put those thoughts to words. I think it may reduce/eliminate panic attacks altogether because everything would just be built up into one ball of nerves and now, yeah I’m an anxious little girl still, but I don’t have that constant “world falling apart” feeling that was always at the edges of my tippytoes. It was always there. I felt like I could at any point fall over onto the wrong side and have a panic attack, and I just don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells right now.

I really hope this is a permanent feeling.


Losing a pound a day at this point. I’m still trying to eat, but everything makes me nauseated or kind of disgusted after a few bites. Even my go-to milkshakes aren’t appealing. I’m trying to at least get protein in with small (tiny) spoonfuls of peanut butter and those high protein slimfast shakes.

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These ones have 20 grams instead of the usual 10 grams of protein. I know they’re for weight loss, but they taste really good to me (normally) so I try to drink at least one throughout the day to get in the nutrients. I’m considering trying those kids nutrition drinks like Pediasure… they have those for adults right? I’m just afraid of hating the taste and wasting my time with them.

Honestly, I know my Dr. says I should care, but I really don’t care about my caloric intake at the moment. I like that I’m losing weight, even though it’s not in a healthy manner. I do. I’m sorry. What I do care about is my already limited ability to absorb nutrients. I need things like smoothies or whatever that are like a multivitamin in food form so I can get it down quickly and get past my body’s “STOP FEEDING ME GOD DAMN IT” instinct. I’m 5’4, so I know if my Dr. decides I weigh too little she’ll take me right off these pills. I feel like Vyvanse could honestly be a good thing in my life right now and I don’t want to stop so soon without seeing if it can make my brain even better.

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Vyvanse Day 3 (P.S. I am super obsessed with getting a new tattoo. That is all.)

I woke up to take my pill again. I stayed awake from that point on again. There is no napping. (Okay, there was never any napping.) There is only whatever I have set my mind to. I wanted to write about my curiosity of “men”, so I did. I haven’t touched the TV. I haven’t touched Reddit (sorry Reddit, I still love you.) I think briefly about whoever passes by my door and then go back to “work”.

I’ve since finished that post and had nothing in mind next so I’ve been feeling pretty bored and lost; I want something to do. I was going to go to the bank but it’s MLK day and I thought that was next Monday. Whoops. I still have no desire to eat whatsoever. That’s why people lose weight. It doesn’t magically melt off your fat and make you skinny, you simply never feel hungry.

The headaches are a reminder that my body does in fact still need sustenance of some sort, but nothing sounds appealing so I grab a protein shake and hope that it will be enough to help. It’s not, because it turns out halfway through the drink I’m so repulsed as though I have stuffed myself to the brim and will explode at any moment.

Headaches are normal for me -sadly- but dehydration and overcoming the… “NOT urge” to eat will be an issue, I can already tell you. I don’t do well forcing myself to eat. I have a really finicky stomach so pissing it off is a good way to land me in gastritis hell for 8-10 hours.

My stomach doesn’t digest food/absorb nutrients properly in the first place (stomach, intestines, etc.) I bought extra multivitamins (NOT the gummy kind 😦 because iron only comes in the gross hard pill kind.)

I was on Effexor (and various other antidepressants) before this, so I know how my body adjusts to pills and such. Effexor was the first time I had ever had an issue with stopping medication. It was hell. I gained 15lbs in three weeks, so I’m excited for the weight loss already happening, but I do wonder what will happen after. Will my body adjust and find a weight to compromise with the Vyvanse? Will I have to create a food schedule and stick to it like glue? Today is full of questions.

Right now, I am “on” from about 730 to maybe 10 or 11. So that’s 13-14 hours of uptime, with me getting tired and kind of weak on those last two hours. I don’t know if I’m describing it correctly, but that seems to be pretty common. I’m used to taking hours and hours to fall asleep but I think I’m out in 30 minutes now. Severe insomnia will likely be a problem if I ever try to take the medicine past 8 or 9 am. Or maybe once I dose up. When I go back I will begin the standard 30mg starting dose and see what happens from there. I have a feeling this will be a trial nonetheless.

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Vyvanse Day 2

Still nauseated. Do you know how hard it is to wake up early in the morning just to take pills when you normally don’t get up until maybe eight or nine? Thing is, once you took that pill, you’re up. There’s no going back. But I really never felt a difference; like I lost any sleep or anything. I don’t feel over stimulated, I don’t feel crazy or hyper, I feel pretty normal. I didn’t realize until I was getting incredibly snappy and angry that I hadn’t eaten all day. I didn’t even notice. I’m literally just not hungry. I’m going to have to set an alarm or something every few hours to remind myself to eat something, anything, because I doubt people want to put up with me being snappy and grouchy and having a headache… because I never ate.

It’s a very different feeling looking out into the world and not being on edge all the time because I can’t stop my brain. It’s like slowly, slowly my brain cars are getting the hang of how traffic flows and thoughts move pretty freely and I can follow them.

I suppose the included weight loss to come is a pleasant side effect. 🙂

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