Tag Archives: Experience Updates

Wiggity, Wiggity Wack.

I’m sick. Sore throat, coughing, hacking, my voice is suddenly very low and raspy. My mom was like look Minnie Mouse is gone! I asked her if I sound sexy now and she said yes. Thanks mom. ūüėČ

But forreal. It sucks. So in April, my mom got sick, then my sister, then my dad, then my sister again, and she got so sick that she developed an ear infection and had to take antibiotics for it and it was kind of hilarious.

HOWEVER. Because she took those anti’s, her immune system was lowered, and she got sick again (mildly this time) with a cold or some such, and SHE GOT ME SICK. I LIVED IN THAT HOME WITH THREE SICK PEOPLE AND DID NOT CATCH A THING, AND I GET SICK NOOOOOW?¬†Give me a break.

But I’ve been so sick the past two days that I missed my scheduled pill times and now I’m off. I don’t like it because I am already off (usually) because I don’t fill the scripts the same day, I do it later when I can get to walmart because it’s the closest place that takes medicaid. No big deal. But now I’m like a whole week off from my appts. It’s minor. It’s minor. I know. ¬†But holy hell does that bother me.

This post is all over the place, I’m sorry. But back to me being sick. It’s a little funny because not taking the Vyvanse for two days in a row made me sort of instantly irritable and I was like overreacting to everything and my family was like literally cleaning up after me. At one point, I was scooping some green beans up on to my plate to eat and one fell on the floor and I was just this dramatic, devastated person. Like it sent me over the edge and I was about to cry because everything was awful and my sister is like “It’s okay, sissy it’s okay, it didn’t even happen, see? No bean on the floor. It didn’t even happen.” She picked it up and threw it away while I was busy cursing everything in my life.

My family is so patient.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me where I accidentally turned into a mermaid.

Mermaid hair nails oops

I mean, look at that hair. Those nails? TOTALLY MERMAID HAIR AND NAILS.

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Here’s the Roundup

So. It’s May. I have since been upped to 60mg of Vyvanse. I think it’s really working. I take it in combination with 50mg Zoloft and I no longer have any irritability issues. I also haven’t had any problems with my stomach or anything. Still steadily losing weight, and my Dr is definitely going to say something soon, which is soooo upsetting. I like being thinner!

I still have my ups and downs with depression, but it’s not as often as it used to be, so I think I’m getting better. I really just need things to do, otherwise I feel useless and just beat myself up.

Anxiety is still being managed with Klonopin and it’s still kind of out of nowhere.

I can’t hear anything. Heh. It’s happened before; for like 1-2 weeks, my ears just decide they only want to work at half-speed and so I’m going around all “What? WHAT? Wait are you talking? Crap. Wait say that first part again? I didn’t know you were talking to me,” And so on. They don’t feel any different than normal. Nothing is changed, but now I can’t hear as well and in a week or so it’ll suddenly clear up and whatever. It’s super bizarre. Not bizarre enough for me to go to the doctor for it though! Bleh.

So here I sit, with another 20 pounds of henna on my head to fix/enhance the first batch. I used a different recipe too. And I made more, but I ended up with leftovers, but not enough for another application so I stuck it in a bottle (and also used a toothpick) and drew a design on my arm.

IMG_1678

It’s so bad! Hahahahah I am definitely not a henna artist.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 5 (Belated)

Well.

So I haven’t posted in over a week now. Sorry.

I think I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It’s hard. It’s very defeating. I don’t want to do anything because I am psyching myself out.

I’ve got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be an update then.

And now, here’s the late weekly update.

My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting “reminder meals” to grazing, because actual “meals” are just too much. It’s too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don’t end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I’m NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I’m losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not trying to risk my health, I’m not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don’t know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I’ve lost a lot in three weeks and I don’t know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It’s unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it.

On a different note, I’ve only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids.

I don’t believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you’re super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the¬†Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to¬†offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?

zoloft_hill_group

MAYBE THEY WOULDN’T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN’T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for¬†skin and bones — anorexia-style and really I am not.
Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.

FIN.

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Vyvanse Mid-Week Update: Appointment Day!

So, I went to the Dr. appointment today. It went pretty smoothly, like it usually does. My blood pressure was even down to normal, 118/82, which was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I’ve been dealing with years of “high-normal / pre-hypertension” readings ever since my meds went all wonky on me and I started swapping. Huge, huge plus for me.

I talked to her about my concerns with my irritability and my anxiety feeling out of control. Basically, she told me exactly what the internet told me; that my body[1] is metabolizing the Vyvanse too quickly, and we need to up it. She said that if it still happens and my dosage feels fine in all other aspects, that’s when we would switch to twice a day pills. Another Vyvanse point: she said that while the side effects should calm down and even out like normal, there is a good chance that they will never go away, so now we’re praying that the irritability smooths itself out enough to let me keep a normal job.

With the anxiety, I told her that I’ve never been on something that doesn’t have the added benefit of being an anti-anxiety. She was hoping that the Vyvanse would take away a major portion of it, since a lot of my anxiety stems from my own brain feeding off of itself. That doesn’t seem to be the case. So now I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. I’ve been on Zoloft before, but it was right in the beginning when I was suicidal and severely depressed and it didn’t work, at all. However, there wasn’t really any focus on my anxiety, so now we’re trying this to see if it can sort of dampen everything and bring me back down to a manageable level.

Total cost of everything? $4.00. THANK YOU MEDICAID. Medicaid has been a complete lifesaver for me. Before, when I was totes poor, I still managed to not qualify for Medicaid. Now, after the restructure, I qualify and I am nothing but thrilled.

FullSizeRender

I mean freaking look at that! Especially the Vyvanse, 257 bucks just for one months worth. That’s insane. I am incredibly lucky to qualify for assistance because I wouldn’t be on anything right now without it.

It makes me wonder how the hell other people are doing it. I mean, I’m poor. I always have been, and my career choice isn’t promising to get me out of being poor. I can only imagine how people who are middle-class (ish) and don’t qualify for assistance are managing. I mean, insurance is expensive. I was prepared to simply pay the fine for not having it before medicaid accepted me, because paying the fine each year was cheaper than paying for monthly insurance. It’s insane, that’s all I can say. Anyone who is struggling right now with medical shit and are caught in that limbo of “don’t qualify for assistance, can’t pay for insurance either”… I feel for you. There’s got to be a better way.

But now I’m veering into politics and I don’t really want to voice my opinions on that stuff just yet.

[1] For whatever reason, since it doesn’t apply to everyone and there isn’t a known factor on why certain bodies behave this way.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 1

Alright, so it’s been a week since my last update. I ended on a Sunday so I guess I’m going these on Sundays now. Hmm…

So things have been okay. Twice this week I’ve found myself pacing around my room because the people upstairs have been so freaking noisy that I’m so tense and worked up and I can’t calm down. It’s awful. I never know when they’re going to drop something or the kid starts screaming or whatever, si I’m just always on edge and I can’t handle it without some backup it seems.

I’m 99% sure this has nothing to do with the Vyvanse I’m on. Previously I’ve been on tons of anti-depressants, which almost always double as anti-anxiety. I’m no longer on any of those, I just have my twice a day as needed¬†Klonopin, which doesn’t last as long as I need it to. Definitely need to talk to Dr. about that.

I’m also finding that my stomach pains are coinciding with this sort of fuzzy/fogginess in my head. I think it’s the Vyvanse effects wearing off. I’m not sure. I mean, I know I start sort of slipping and losing focus, I can tell exactly when the Vyvanse is wearing off, but I can’t figure out why that would affect my stomach. You’d think that the stomach pain would be from digesting the medicine, so it’d happen maybe 30 mins-2 hours after taking the pill, but no. It’s very weird. But I also have a history of stomach issues, so it could just be me and my stomach behaves differently. It’s also not intolerable, so it’s not like I’m writhing on the floor in pain like my prior stomach issues, but… I don’t know.¬†new-girl-gif-sad-sigh-compliment-insecure

I can’t decide if the side effects are worth it yet. I also feel very strongly that I haven’t been on it long enough to see how long they will even last. Most people have side effects for a couple weeks, and that’s it, but I’m incredibly sensitive to medications so I know I need a longer period of “the side effect waiting game” before I say okay, this isn’t going to work.

I feel like there was more but I can’t remember it now. Sorry. I’ll either amend this post or update again later if I remember anything.

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What now?

I re-started this blog with a purpose. I wanted personal experiences from people on Vyvanse, I wanted their stories, I wanted their daily life and what to expect. I couldn’t find anything outside of “I’ve been on Vyvanse for ____ weeks/months/years and I love it/I hated it” or whatever. And so I said fine, I’ll be that guinea pig and write my own experiences for other people.

Now I don’t know what to write. I’ve given you all the first month, and it’s simply not realistic to think anyone would write about what they¬†experience on a medication every day for a whole year. I planned to do something like weekly updates as things progress and then maybe slow down even more. But now it’s like, what else is there even to talk about.

Everything else in this blog is literally just random thoughts in my mind while I had wordpress pulled up. I never had a real plan I guess for when my Vyvanse “series” would slow down. I feel like I should still be here, talking about this, but I no longer know what to give people.

That’s it, I guess. I’ll figure something out, even if it means adding posts and pretending they were up before they were.

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Vyvanse Day 23

700 AM: Wake up, hit* alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Do this until about 830, realize you’re fucking up your own schedule, and finally get up to take pill.


*I actually use my iphone as my alarm, so it’s not hitting it technically. I’m also not “snoozing” the alarm, I actually just have them go off at 10-15 minute intervals in the morning. It used to start around 8¬†and only be set earlier if I needed to be early, but now they’re at 7 and continue until 9.

I set them not because I’m a masochist (okay fine I am but not the point), but because I will turn off an alarm, and not actually follow the directions of the alarm. Like if it’s to wake up, I turn it off and won’t get up. If it’s to take a pill, I turn it off and then forget to take the pill. So I have multiple alarms go off. It must be annoying for others, but it doesn’t really bother me.

I “forgot” to eat again this morning. It’s not really forgetting, I just put it off and do something else (conversation, get on computer, go do something outside, shopping, whatever.) and then I continue to push it further and further and then suddenly it’s 2PM and I’m not hungry, but I am craving something. That’s what I’ve noticed that not eating/Vyvanse makes me feel. I’m not sure which one it really is. But yeah, if I don’t eat on a schedule or if I don’t start eating early enough after taking the pill, I won’t get hungry. I will begin to crave something. Like today I really wanted a McDonald’s cheeseburger. For completely no reason. I got it and actually it wasn’t up to par.

I don’t normally turn my nose up at fast food places like many people in my area do. I know it’s a preference for sure, but I think a lot of people “hate” McDonald’s because it’s cool to hate it. I’m not saying it’s amazing, because gimme a break, it’s fast food, but it’s also not the horrible gagworthy pukefest people make it out to be.

My burger bun was stale today though. So that was a little sad.

Also sad was that I didn’t win the lottery last night, but GOOD NEWS IS NO ONE ELSE DID EITHER so it went up and now it’s currently at 450 million. It’ll change by the drawing so that’s why I say currently. It’ll go up again. When the jackpot gets really high like this I get all fantasize-y and start planning out my new dream life. I’ve got tabs of houses open, I’ve got car brands open to look at new cars, I open luxury store sites, etc. I get allllll up in the rich life. Luckily I never expect to win so I don’t get disappointed too much. Just a little. Like aww… I wanted to be rich. ūüė¶ Oh well.

Lastly, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a few more pounds but I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days so I don’t know for sure. But going up in dosage has changed my eating habits enough that I think I’ve lost more weight. I hope ūüėČ

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Vyvanse Day 19 (I got the day right this time no thanks to you)

700 AM: I took k my pill on time today. I had a Dr. appt at 815 so I needed to be up and getting ready and deciding if I¬†am going to wear make up or not, etc. I set 10 alarms to go off between 7 and 815 to extra make sure I got to the appointment. Which is weird because it is literally a 4 minute drive away from me. And that’s only because you can only go in and out of the apartment complex one way, so you have to go out and double back around in order to get back to the main street.


Oh my god I started this three hours ago and I got distracted trying to organize all my movies on my external hard drive. Wow. Good news is, tooootally organized and nice and neat and clean. Bad news is, this was supposed to go up, y’know, several hours ago. Anyway.

So I went to the Dr appt. She was very pleased with how I am doing. My blood pressure even went down a few points! Ever since I stopped taking lexapro completely a few years ago and then decided to go back on medication, I’ve had issues with my blood pressure being a tad high. Nothing major, but before BP used to be >120/80, and now BP has been consistently about 130/85. Somewhere hovering in there. TODAY however, my BP was 127/82. Lower than it’s been in months! Pleasant surprise for all of us.

Second minor funny thing is that when I went to get weighed, I weighed EXACTLY the same amount as the person who was previously weighed. I mean, we could have moved it maybe half a pound, just a fraction. It was just funny because how likely is that going to happen? Silly things, silly things, but we started in a good, relaxed mood because of it.

I basically told Dr. everything that was relevant from these blog posts. You know, the mood, the eating, the schedule thrown-off because of neighbors. Despite all that, she thinks I’m doing well. She wants me to dose UP (I’m now on 30mg starting tomorrow) and continue with everything. Considering it’s only been about 2.5 weeks since I started, she thinks it’s okay to “manage” the side effects and not worry about them just yet, because they might still go away, especially once I reach my stable dosage. We’ve both noted that my body is especially sensitive to medications so side effects are a little bit different when it comes to me. I tend to get more, they affect me stronger, and they last longer than usual, but they almost always go away.

So today feels good. I’m happy with how the appointment went, I’m happy with how my body is handing things (for the most part), I’m just… it’s a good day for Erin.

Anyway, I thought that this would be a very helpful post for anyone thinking about or just starting Vyvanse, because with everything I’ve complained about, according to my Dr. I’m still considered “doing very well” on the medication. I mean, that’s amazing. And I can’t wait to see what going up a dose is going to bring.

I also feel like I’m on a feel-good high right now that is completely overriding my usual anxiety and depression feelings. I don’t want that to go away just yet. I don’t like having to deal with myself, I don’t know how anyone else manages to do it.

hp dancing

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Vyvanse Day 18 (NOT day 17)

700 AM: I woke up. I took my pill dutifully. I went back to my warm cozy bed. I fell back asleep. Damn it.


Last night was easy. I fell asleep right away (although I kept finding things I need to do right now or it’ll bother me!) But once I decided to go to sleep, bam. It took me like maybe half an hour, if that. It’s such an accomplishment for me, I haven’t fallen asleep like that since I was a kid.

Overall, I’m definitely liking the Vyvanse. I like how it makes my brain work. I like how it lets me think. I like the focus it gives me, even if I have nothing to focus that energy on so I end up wandering until I find a “project”. I definitely think this is a good thing. I guess I’m saying, maybe I really have had ADD my entire life and it was just easy to hide it because I did so well in school and since I never had the classic ADHD-kid symptoms, everyone just wrote me off as a smart but spacey kid. I almost wonder what could have been if I had been diagnosed earlier. Would I have still developed chronic depression? Would I have still dropped out of my university? Would I have done better, done drugs, done everything that “went wrong” in my life?

As much as I’d like to, I know you just can’t dwell on that stuff. It happened. It’s done. Now it’s time to focus on improving my current situation.

kim_possible

I’m hoping that improving my stomach pain is on that list. Holy typos I cannot spell today. I’m done. This is getting ridiculous. I also just spent about and hour looking for a “What’s the sitch?” gif but I couldn’t find any. HOW ARE THERE NO GIFS OF THAT? So I just took a screen grab and wrote the words on. Pathetic.

 

Edit: None of you thought to tell me that I had put the wrong day I was on? 

How-rude

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