Tag Archives: Headaches

Here’s the Roundup

So. It’s May. I have since been upped to 60mg of Vyvanse. I think it’s really working. I take it in combination with 50mg Zoloft and I no longer have any irritability issues. I also haven’t had any problems with my stomach or anything. Still steadily losing weight, and my Dr is definitely going to say something soon, which is soooo upsetting. I like being thinner!

I still have my ups and downs with depression, but it’s not as often as it used to be, so I think I’m getting better. I really just need things to do, otherwise I feel useless and just beat myself up.

Anxiety is still being managed with Klonopin and it’s still kind of out of nowhere.

I can’t hear anything. Heh. It’s happened before; for like 1-2 weeks, my ears just decide they only want to work at half-speed and so I’m going around all “What? WHAT? Wait are you talking? Crap. Wait say that first part again? I didn’t know you were talking to me,” And so on. They don’t feel any different than normal. Nothing is changed, but now I can’t hear as well and in a week or so it’ll suddenly clear up and whatever. It’s super bizarre. Not bizarre enough for me to go to the doctor for it though! Bleh.

So here I sit, with another 20 pounds of henna on my head to fix/enhance the first batch. I used a different recipe too. And I made more, but I ended up with leftovers, but not enough for another application so I stuck it in a bottle (and also used a toothpick) and drew a design on my arm.

IMG_1678

It’s so bad! Hahahahah I am definitely not a henna artist.

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Vyvanse Day 27 (The day I accidentally took my pill twice)

700 AM: Wake up. Take pill. Fall asleep. Wake up. Take pill. Realize you fucked up bad now. But it does make your pill count even again because you missed a pill a few days ago. But you’ve taken two pills, and that’s bad. That’s bad.


So who wants to guess what happened with the managers and their notice and the noise yesterday? Yeah? I’ll give you a minute, just call out your answers.

Yeah, you got it! They never showed up. To be fair, it’s past 2PM right now and they still haven’t showed up. This drives me fucking nuts. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe people can be this incompetent. It’s ridiculous. My dad totally blew up yesterday and wrote a note to the people upstairs, which is really embarrassing. The best part? The woman came downstairs maybe 20-303 minutes later and knocked on our door. My dad answered and she was like, is this your note? And he’s thinking “damn, I got caught”. It was great because my mom had just come home and she was… uh… not yelling at him but like… scolding? Chastising, maybe.

Anyway she was like why do you have to be like that? Just let the managers deal with it yadda yadda, and then comes this tiny little woman from upstairs. My dad went outside and talked to her and he starts laughing and tells her he was just being “yelled at” by his wife and apologizes and she apologizes and tells him that they actually made a noise complaint on themselves because apparently they have rugs and shit down and everything still echoes and THAT is what prompted the notice in the first place.

So the air is cleared a bit between us, but I’m still not completely forgiving because when you know that shit is too loud, there is no excuse for vacuuming that late at night or clomping around with your shoes on or doing furniture arrangement or WHAT-ever past midnight. Apparently the kid is 12, not a teen. I know that can be a difficult time, girls and boys, but when I was little, we used to live on the top floor of an apartment and my parents were ON me. If I made any kind of loud noise my parents were right there “SHH there are people who live underneath us you need to be quiet.”

Like that’s probably why I am so light-footed nowadays. My parents trained me. Like a monkey. They never hear me leave my room and jump out of their skin whenever I walk into the kitchen and they have their backs to me. “We’re gonna put a frickin’ bell on you!”

Here’s a picture of me with a real monkey!*

Monkey me-page-001

*Technically not a monkey, technically an ape. It’s a chimp. But only technically. Whatever, deal with it.

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Vyvanse Day 26

700 AM: Wake up. Get up. Take pill by 730. Smoke detector alarm going off because of low battery, so every 1-2 minutes, hear “BEEEEEP”. Today is not a good day, BEEEEEP is driving you to actual tears. Luckily, Dad unplugs the connection until someone goes to the store to buy a pack of 9V’s. Anxiety is through the roof and it’s not even lunchtime.


I think, because I missed yesterday, my brain is all out of whack. We got a notice on the door yesterday ~5-6PM that they would be coming by sometime to check out the noise levels because they were testing something upstairs. AKA the goddamn floors. AKA the bane of my existence. This was also considered our 24h notice. I’m literally convinced they don’t actually know what “24h notice” means. They typically give us these notices at night, right before the office closes, and then someone might show up the next morning (not 24 hours) or not at all. And then they give us another notice saying sorry we’re coming to do it whenever we feel like, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. The managers are assholes. It’s been like this for years. I’m glad I technically live in another complex.

To be totally clear, (I think I mentioned it offhand before), I don’t actually live with my parents. I live down the block with a roommate. When I started this brand new drug regimen, I/my family/my Dr decided it would be best/easiest if I temporarily stayed with my parents again because they know me best. They know my personality, they’ve dealt with me during deep depression/anxiety years, etc., so they would be the first to know if something was really wrong and I needed to stop right away. Especially since I don’t often recognize the “bad” side effects, since they kind of change your personality a bit and I will fight tooth and nail that nothing is changed, you’re just a bitch, etc. My parents know this, they’ve dealt with it, they can throw me back to the Dr and say yeah this needs to stop now.

But that’s a little off topic. Anyway, I managed my pill at my usual time. I’ve been awake since then. I feel very wound up, probably because of the impending intrusion, the fact that it may or may not happen, and a huge fear on my part that they come during a quiet part and decide hey nothing is wrong it’s not noisy at all! I’m so afraid of that. I don’t even have to live here after I stabilize on the Vyvanse and I am fucking terrified of living with this noise for that long. It’s just a very, very deep seated unease I am feeling.

They were being noisy as hell last night, again, and around 1130 I attempted to record their noise levels so I could at least prove that it happens, even if no one was home to be noisy when the managers came to visit. I turned on EVERYTHING I had that could record. I tried my computer, I tried my tablet, I tried my iPhone. I tried video recording, I tried voice only recording. NOTHING could properly pick up the noise. Everything was staticky and you could hear the CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP that would happen, but you couldn’t hear the voices unless you knew what you were looking for in the static. It was so disheartening. I thought I had this great idea and I couldn’t produce anything. It sucked. I even emailed the best ones (my iPhone) to myself and downloaded audio programs to try to clean it up, but I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I can get rid of the static, but then everything is tinny and it kind of sounds fake. Plus, the voices go away. I need the voices to accompany the CLOMP-THUD-SLAM that they do so everyone knows what we can actually hear.

I don’t even know what they would do if they realized how bad it is. Like, are you going to tell the people, “Sorry, we know your lease is for a newly upgraded model with ‘wooden’ floors, but it turns out it’s too noisy so we have to give you carpet.” I mean, they’ve effectively screwed everyone over with this BS. Either we get stuck with the constant noise, or they have to fuck over the people upstairs and force them into dealing with workers trying to fix the sound insulation, or take away their floors.

Not that I feel that bad about them upstairs. The more I listen to them, the more I think that they are honestly rude, inconsiderate assholes who won’t give a damn that they are so fucking loud. I don’t think going up to them and talking is an option. After listening to them talk to each other, and them dealing with their shithead teen kid (he sounds like a real piece of work), and them vacuuming/dropping shit/dragging things around past midnight… I mean… COME ON.

My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I can’t lessen my anxiety, and either there’s something stuck under my eyelid I can’t find or my eye got scratched so now I have to wear my glasses which aren’t even the right prescription. Everything is  just dramatic and terrible today, I need to crawl back into bed and wait for tomorrow to fix this mess.

This is long. Thanks for listening to me whine. Sorry about that.

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Vyvanse Day 20

700 AM: Wake up, take NEW pill. 30mg new pill. Realize old drawing of pill isn’t accurate anymore, the new dosage is different color. Fall back asleep.


I feel like I’ve started all over, kinda. My body needs to readjust to the new dose, and this is probably going to happen every time I change dosages until I am stable. I feel over focused. I don’t really know how to describe it. Like, I’m not exactly getting distracted, rather I am choosing to focus everything on a new subject. EVERYTHING. I was talking to my mom about face serums or some junk she wants and I ended up spending over 4 hours on Ulta.com looking at/comparing serums or moisturizers or creams and does she want a serum specifically or is the other junk okay? I mean, I invested way too much time on this. I was going to write a post earlier today but I was trying to multitask and everyone who knows me knows I cannot multitask, so it ended up being this late post. Sorry. At least they’re still daily, if not at consistent times.

I have a headache, as usual. My thirst levels haven’t changed. My hunger levels haven’t changed. I’ve actually noticed that since I’m spending so much time just doing nothing, I’m doing the bored-style eating. Like I’m not actually hungry, but I’m bored and wandering around so I eat a spoonful of peanut butter or grab a banana or some crackers. I mean in a backwards way it’s kind of a good thing because otherwise I wouldn’t eat at all, but I know bored-eating is still not a good thing. I need to be eating more regularly. Or something.

Um, let’s see. Remember when I listed all those side effects for you? I’ll copy-paste them again.

  • Anxiety
  • decreased appetite
  • loss of appetite
  • nausea
  • diarrhea
  • trouble sleeping
  • upper stomach pain
  • dizziness
  • dry mouth
  • vomiting
  • irritability
  • weight loss

Okay so bold is what I have experienced. Good news is, there’s been no actual digestive problems, just mild nausea which was all the time, not whenever I ate anything. It was like just a feeling you experience at all times, but doesn’t actually affect you. Does that make sense? I’m super, super happy that there have been NO problems with sleeping. I actually get tired and fall asleep like a normal person, and when I first realized that I almost cried because that has not happened since I was in elementary school. Ever since ~middle school I have had insomnia issues, and I just learned to live on only… maybe 5 hours of sleep when I had to get up for school. As long as nothing is bothering me while I attempt to sleep — *COUGH-COUGH* PESKY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS *COUGH-COUGH* — I just decide hey I’m sleepy, I’ll go to bed, and then I’m out in less than half an hour. It’s a freaking miracle!

Also, no dizziness. I would have thought that was a given. I’m a fainter, and I get dizzy a lot because I always push myself without sleep and/or eating. (Unintentionally, I swear. I just have a habit of saying “just one more page/hour/article/etc.) And none of the really bad side effects either. The ones you’re supposed to tell your Dr. about. Phew!

I guess that’s all for today, I can’t think of anything else to add. Here’s hoping to more good news with this Vyvanse.

HMHappyDance

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Vyvanse Day 15

700 AM: I overslept. Good news is, I did fall asleep. Bad news is, I didn’t take Vyvanse on time.


The people upstairs are insane. So like I said, I finally fell asleep lat night. Which I figured I would. But I ended up oversleeping and taking muh pillz several hours later. No bueno. Right now someone is shouting “I HAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEAM” over and over again.

I had a dream once. It died once my neighbors moved in.

I haven’t had any headaches so far. No nausea. Still no appetite, but I’ve noticed that I do feel slightly hungry for the rest of the day once I finally do eat. Like that sliiiight hunger you feel when you’re starting to get bored but not so bored that you are bored-eating. Does that make sense? Probably not. Just, you know, like maybe you could eat some crackers or something.

My brain feels like pudding but that’s probably a combination of the past few days. I figure it’ll fix itself once I start sleeping properly and taking my pills on time again. It might be worth noting that going off schedule – both pill and sleep-wise – has a notable effect, though. It’s not like a relapse into fast-brain-madness, but rather, a complete sludge in my head that is difficult to wade through.

I am still perma-thirsty. Occasionally I drink a Coke Zero. I think it’s because I enjoy torturing myself. Every time I have caffeine (outside of the miniscule amount in a candy bar, etc.) it screws up my stomach. It turns me into an ulcer ball, but for some reason I still drink one every once in a while. I’m not kidding myself either, I’m thinking “I want a CZ, but my stomach… ah who cares.” I CARE. I CARE, PAST ERIN. FUTURE ERIN CARES SO MUCH. FUTURE ERIN CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN HOT&SEXY PAIN AND NOTSEXY PAIN. HERE’S A HINT: NOTSEXY PAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF HOSPITALS WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN.

I haven’t noticed caffeine having an effect with the Vyvanse however. Maybe it’s just because I’m so low. I bet higher does have an effect.

That’s it, that’s all I got. Someone do me a favor and kill my upstairs neighbors though. Please. Please.

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Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

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Vyvanse Day 11

700 AM: This is terrible. Medication is terrible. Life is terrible.


Today is awful. My head hurts. My stomach hurts. Getting up was awful but I refuse to get back in bed because I will never get back out. I might, you know, actually be sick or something, but I feel like blaming the Vyvanse. I hate everything. Complete like woke up on the wrong side of the bed day. I don’t even care how my brain might be slowing thoughts down or anything. Speed them up, slow them down, make them go in spirals, do whatever you want for all I care. I’m over it.

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Vyvanse Day 9

700 AM: I put the alarm away from me so I’d have to get up to turn it off. THAT didn’t work. I just got up and turned it off and went back into bed. I didn’t take the pill until almost 8. Fuck. This is getting harder.


My weight loss has stalled, which is unfortunate (for me because I wanted to lose more) but really probably fortunate for my Dr. who will like that I didn’t drop 20 pounds on the baby dose. Eating is still hard though. It really does feel like I am forcing myself to eat. Sometimes I do the “Plug your nose so you can’t taste it and just swallow really quickly!” thing but that doesn’t overcome the nausea I feel after it’s all in me. I bought anti-nausea pills and I think that helps a bit, probably what’s keeping me eating AND not losing weight. Y’know. Because that’s not the end goal here. Being as skinny as I want. 😐

Me, misuse drugs? Never.

pillbody

I’d love to know where this picture comes from. I tried reverse searching it but the oldest hit was a site-crawler back in 2007 or something.

ANYWAY. I still have headaches out the wazoo. I’ve all but stopped drinking anything but water, and I drink a lot of it, so I don’t know if these pills just dehydrate me so freaking much that I’m still getting D-headaches or if they are actually just caused by the Vyvanse. Irritability is there. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve not even reached week 2 on this yet. Things can still change. I just really don’t like myself right now. Or anyone else for that matter. My family are practically saints for putting up with this.

I still feel this constant need to do something, work toward something. Right now I’m just kind of wandering around lost, like I don’t want to just be on the internet all the time, I don’t want to just watch TV, I need to know that I am headed toward something but I’m not. It doesn’t override the fact that I hate exercise though. Which isn’t good because my blood pressure has been hovering in the normal-high range and I might need an actual exercise plan in order to keep it down but also stay on Vyvanse.

Brain-wise, I’m definitely slower. I still kind of feel like my thoughts are all over the place but more and more, they’re getting to be complete thoughts and not just half-sentences I couldn’t finish because I thought of something else (related or not.) I don’t think I’m acting as spacey as I usually do, which is a good sign, a really good sign. It’s the sign that hey, you probably really did have ADD and this isn’t just another bad-ending way of tackling your depression/anxiety.

PLUS, there’s been heavy hints from my Dr. that fixing the ADD might make the depression go away altogether. It might not, it might be too late for me to completely be depression-free, but I do like the hope. I keep noticing my own personal signs of depression and I’m talking to them like like they’re an imaginary friend, like “Hey, hey you LACK OF MOTIVATION, you’re going to go away soon. HAH SUCK IT.” and sometimes “HEY, hey you FEELING OF GUILT AND EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD, yeah, oh yeah that’s gonna be a thing of the past. SUCKKKK IT!”

I might even be able to develop coping skills for my anxiety once there isn’t the weight of twelve brains shoved into my one little head. Who knows?! I’m on a new planet called, uhh, Glarin’ Erin 2.0, and we have no idea what’s going to be there.

Galaxyquest-is-there-air-gif

Confession: I had to change my whole last line to get that Galaxy Quest reference in there. The things we do for love.

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Vyvanse Day 6 (or, how I am not patient with myself)

700am: I chose to out BOTH of the alarms today and didn’t actually take the pill until ~720. WHAT A REBEL I AM.


I don’t normally eat breakfast. I’m not hungry in the mornings and so my first meal is typically lunch, followed by a snacky-type-thing around maybe 4 and then something for dinner. And maybe sometimes throw a candy bar in there.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of upper abdominal pain since taking Vyvanse. It IS in fact a common enough symptom, and I just don’t know how to relieve it. Today, I’m trying to take the pill with food (okay, just a few bites of a banana) to see if sort of “diluting” it will help any. That and the constant HULK THIRST are really the only symptoms that bother me.

I’ve been unable to eat more than 1000 calories every day so far. Trust me, as a girl with body issues, this is a pleasant side effect. BUT, as a person who knows how bodies work, I know that this cannot last. Forcing myself to eat is not an option. There are a lot of drink-meal things in my kitchen right now because it feels like I am tricking my body like “HAH! YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING HYDRATION LIKE WATER BUT ACTUALLY YOU GOT FOOD, SUCKAAAAA!”

Laughing at stomach

Anyway I wish meds were like magic instant fixers. I don’t like waiting on myself/my body to adjust and I don’t like… lots of other things

I’m sorry I got distracted with family issues and I can’t remember where I was going with all this.

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