Tag Archives: Irrational

A letter to the Bathroom Police

One of the biggest “trivial”[note] transgender issues I see all the time is bathroom stuff. Which bathroom to use, how there should be better accommodations for trans people and public restrooms. I have always found this so bizarre. I mean, I’m in my 20s now. I’ve been to many a public restroom (even though I don’t like it and prefer to wait until I get home.) If we say that I used a public bathroom (PB from now on) about 3 times a week since starting school, that means I’ve been in a PB 2,964 times in my life. And that’s most likely a low estimate. That’s including school restrooms, malls, stores, etc.

There have been a few times where I walked into the men’s PB because the ladies was down and everyone was being redirected there temporarily. There have been times where I just couldn’t find the ladies because it was located NOT directly near the men’s, so I went into the men’s anyway. There have been even more times where men have just walked into the ladies room. You know what we all did? Glance up, maybe give a look saying “Huh, that’s ballsy/impressive/etc.” and went back to washing our hands… because that’s the only reason you even see the guy walking in. Nobody said anything. Nobody did anything. Nobody screamed and went “AAAUUUGGGHHH THERE’S A BOY IN THE BATHROOM OH MY GOD SOMEONE CALL SECURITY!”

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Yeah this? Neeeeeeever happened.

What makes now so different? I understand that some people might be uncomfortable if they saw someone of the opposite gender in the bathroom, but who the hell cares? Men walking into “my” bathroom has happened many times in my life, and they just waltzed in to do their thing. They never made a big deal, we never made a big deal, end of story right?

Wrong.

Because apparently, more and more people are getting upset over a perceived “wrong gendered” person walking into their bathroom. I’m sorry, but since when did this become an issue? IT’S A BATHROOM FOR GOD’S SAKE. Who cares who’s in it? “Oh, but Erin, if a guy is in the ladies he can get creepy and be a sex offender or something!” THAT CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME, ANYWAY. If a guy wants to be a creep, he’s gonna be a creep regardless of whether you let anyone into any bathroom. That’s his problem. He’s a creep. Forcing someone out of the bathroom because you don’t think they belong in there isn’t going to stop a creep from being a creep! You’re just stopping a poor person who needs to pee from using the bathroom! What is wrong with you people?!

I’m not transgender. I have a few friends who are, but my experience with transgender bathroom issues is limited to stories and those episodes of Degrassi with Adam using the bathroom. Maybe some people are exaggerating how often it happens, but I sure as hell believe it’s at least based in truth, especially with this article that came out just two days ago (March 3 2015).

Why is it that whenever I enter a men’s room nobody gives me a hard time, nobody ejects me out of the room, but if a trans person does they get beaten like hell over it? And why is it that when a man enters the ladies (when I’m in there) nobody does anything, but if they’re trans suddenly it’s scream time and they get forced out and yelled at by the bathroom police (if not also attacked)?

I mean, this is just so completely baffling to me. There are so many issues out there that you can be getting angry about, but you’re getting mad that (you think) the wrong person has entered your bathroom?

I’m sorry, there was an actual point/end to this post, but I got caught up in angry-mode on why I can use a guys bathroom no problem (I mean no harassment, anything) but if someone is assumed to be trans suddenly there are issues.

So I guess this awkwardly ends this post. No resolution, just a girl wondering why you crazy bathroom police are arguing over someone using “your” bathrooms instead of fighting bigger issues like I dunno, homelessness, employment issues, violence+gang violence, medical care…

Although, I suppose you bathroom police don’t really care about those issues, either? Just the ones that let you tell other people who they are and how to conform to your standards.

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[note] I say trivial in the sense that we’re not talking about plain old harassment or bullying, or any of the major issues that trans people have to deal with on a regular basis, internally or externally. This is just “crap, I have to pee, which bathroom is going to be my best bet today”. And even then I understand how something as simple as going to the bathroom can be such an agonizing internal debate for many trans people. Thus, the reason of my post.

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Vyvanse Mid-Week Update: Appointment Day!

So, I went to the Dr. appointment today. It went pretty smoothly, like it usually does. My blood pressure was even down to normal, 118/82, which was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I’ve been dealing with years of “high-normal / pre-hypertension” readings ever since my meds went all wonky on me and I started swapping. Huge, huge plus for me.

I talked to her about my concerns with my irritability and my anxiety feeling out of control. Basically, she told me exactly what the internet told me; that my body[1] is metabolizing the Vyvanse too quickly, and we need to up it. She said that if it still happens and my dosage feels fine in all other aspects, that’s when we would switch to twice a day pills. Another Vyvanse point: she said that while the side effects should calm down and even out like normal, there is a good chance that they will never go away, so now we’re praying that the irritability smooths itself out enough to let me keep a normal job.

With the anxiety, I told her that I’ve never been on something that doesn’t have the added benefit of being an anti-anxiety. She was hoping that the Vyvanse would take away a major portion of it, since a lot of my anxiety stems from my own brain feeding off of itself. That doesn’t seem to be the case. So now I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. I’ve been on Zoloft before, but it was right in the beginning when I was suicidal and severely depressed and it didn’t work, at all. However, there wasn’t really any focus on my anxiety, so now we’re trying this to see if it can sort of dampen everything and bring me back down to a manageable level.

Total cost of everything? $4.00. THANK YOU MEDICAID. Medicaid has been a complete lifesaver for me. Before, when I was totes poor, I still managed to not qualify for Medicaid. Now, after the restructure, I qualify and I am nothing but thrilled.

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I mean freaking look at that! Especially the Vyvanse, 257 bucks just for one months worth. That’s insane. I am incredibly lucky to qualify for assistance because I wouldn’t be on anything right now without it.

It makes me wonder how the hell other people are doing it. I mean, I’m poor. I always have been, and my career choice isn’t promising to get me out of being poor. I can only imagine how people who are middle-class (ish) and don’t qualify for assistance are managing. I mean, insurance is expensive. I was prepared to simply pay the fine for not having it before medicaid accepted me, because paying the fine each year was cheaper than paying for monthly insurance. It’s insane, that’s all I can say. Anyone who is struggling right now with medical shit and are caught in that limbo of “don’t qualify for assistance, can’t pay for insurance either”… I feel for you. There’s got to be a better way.

But now I’m veering into politics and I don’t really want to voice my opinions on that stuff just yet.

[1] For whatever reason, since it doesn’t apply to everyone and there isn’t a known factor on why certain bodies behave this way.

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Vyvanse Day 28 (FRIDAY THE 13th WHAAAT)

700 AM: Hit alarm, turn them all off in your sleep, wake up for real around 9. UCK.


This is ridiculous! I feel like I can’t control my body. I can’t wake up and take the pill at the time I need to in order to be able to sleep when I need to.

Luckily, I actually HAVE to leave at 530 AM tomorrow to take my mother to the airport, so no matter what I will be awake when my pill alarm goes off. I’ve already stashed a pill in my purse so I don’t even have to remember to grab the bottle or stick one in my pocket or anything. I AM PREPARED. Maybe tomorrow will sort of “reset” me so I can get back on schedule? Maybe? Probably not. But maybe.

Girl Scout cookies are here! They have been for a few days now but I’m only just thinking about it because I ate an entire box of Tagalongs throughout yesterdaaaaay. That’s 950 calories. I felt like I was stuffing myself to the brim every time I ate one but they’re only around once a year! I HAD TO. I HAD NO CHOICE!

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These are NOT the same boxes I used to sell. Also 4 bucks a box? Shit’s getting expensive!

Haha, but really though. I don’t know why I did it. That’s not really me. Fortunately I’ve got it out of my system, so I can buy a couple more boxes before they go and eat them like normal. Three-four boxes, eat a cookie now and then. That usually lasts me until summer. And then I’m sad because I have to wait to buy more cookies.

Last night my stomach was killing me. The only thing that felt comfortable was lying on the floor. Seriously guys, if you fuck up your meds and you deal with the “upper abdominal pain” side effect, that crap can get HORRIBLE. This is a major warning to anyone on Vyvanse.

I’ve also got a serious headache, I think it’s from yesterday being on 60mg and today only my prescribed 30mg. I’m just so stupidly sensitive to medications. My body revolts at the tiniest thing. I’m betting many people on Vyvanse do not go through as much as I do because their bodies do not act like WHINY LITTLE BABIES. Finally, I’ve also got major irritability going on right now. I’m glad no one is home at the moment because I don’t even want to hear anyone. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to hear them, like, just get out go do something and leave me alone.

I feel really bad about my… “up-down-sideways-backwards” -ness with my family. I can’t even control it. Thankfully, it’s supposed to go away once you’ve reached your optimal dosage, and everything just sort of evens out and goes back to normal. You know, with the upside of fixing your problems.

Of course, that’s just what is supposed to happen, because if it doesn’t any you stay wild and crazy, then this isn’t the medication for you and that would be so devastating to me because I am completely at my wits end. I am almost out of options here. So I am really, really rooting for this to be helping me. And I know it’s doing something, because I can “feel” my brain changing how it thinks and how I process information, so I’m hoping that that is a good sign and not just the normal “well duh, it’s an amphetamine of course you feel that way.”  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it.

The End.

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Vyvanse Day 20

700 AM: Wake up, take NEW pill. 30mg new pill. Realize old drawing of pill isn’t accurate anymore, the new dosage is different color. Fall back asleep.


I feel like I’ve started all over, kinda. My body needs to readjust to the new dose, and this is probably going to happen every time I change dosages until I am stable. I feel over focused. I don’t really know how to describe it. Like, I’m not exactly getting distracted, rather I am choosing to focus everything on a new subject. EVERYTHING. I was talking to my mom about face serums or some junk she wants and I ended up spending over 4 hours on Ulta.com looking at/comparing serums or moisturizers or creams and does she want a serum specifically or is the other junk okay? I mean, I invested way too much time on this. I was going to write a post earlier today but I was trying to multitask and everyone who knows me knows I cannot multitask, so it ended up being this late post. Sorry. At least they’re still daily, if not at consistent times.

I have a headache, as usual. My thirst levels haven’t changed. My hunger levels haven’t changed. I’ve actually noticed that since I’m spending so much time just doing nothing, I’m doing the bored-style eating. Like I’m not actually hungry, but I’m bored and wandering around so I eat a spoonful of peanut butter or grab a banana or some crackers. I mean in a backwards way it’s kind of a good thing because otherwise I wouldn’t eat at all, but I know bored-eating is still not a good thing. I need to be eating more regularly. Or something.

Um, let’s see. Remember when I listed all those side effects for you? I’ll copy-paste them again.

  • Anxiety
  • decreased appetite
  • loss of appetite
  • nausea
  • diarrhea
  • trouble sleeping
  • upper stomach pain
  • dizziness
  • dry mouth
  • vomiting
  • irritability
  • weight loss

Okay so bold is what I have experienced. Good news is, there’s been no actual digestive problems, just mild nausea which was all the time, not whenever I ate anything. It was like just a feeling you experience at all times, but doesn’t actually affect you. Does that make sense? I’m super, super happy that there have been NO problems with sleeping. I actually get tired and fall asleep like a normal person, and when I first realized that I almost cried because that has not happened since I was in elementary school. Ever since ~middle school I have had insomnia issues, and I just learned to live on only… maybe 5 hours of sleep when I had to get up for school. As long as nothing is bothering me while I attempt to sleep — *COUGH-COUGH* PESKY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS *COUGH-COUGH* — I just decide hey I’m sleepy, I’ll go to bed, and then I’m out in less than half an hour. It’s a freaking miracle!

Also, no dizziness. I would have thought that was a given. I’m a fainter, and I get dizzy a lot because I always push myself without sleep and/or eating. (Unintentionally, I swear. I just have a habit of saying “just one more page/hour/article/etc.) And none of the really bad side effects either. The ones you’re supposed to tell your Dr. about. Phew!

I guess that’s all for today, I can’t think of anything else to add. Here’s hoping to more good news with this Vyvanse.

HMHappyDance

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Yep, That’s the Little Mermaid Sticker Covering my Webcam

I am not what anyone would call a paranoid person. I am fearful, I am anxious, I am worrisome. I am not paranoid.

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I have a sticker over my webcam on my laptop.

You see, I seem to develop all my strange fears from movies or TV shows. I watch something about spying on people through their webcams, and suddenly it’s all I can think about and now I have a sticker over my webcam juuuust in case someone tries to spy on me. Why me? I don’t know. It will never happen. No one will try to spy on me. I am not spy-worthy. I do not hold national secrets, I do not have a fake identity, and I am not the plot of some thriller movie.

But that’s the thing about anxiety I guess. It’s not rational, it can’t be talked down, and if you don’t catch it, it will spiral out of control until you are putting stickers on your webcams for no reason.

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Vyvanse Day 16

700 AM: I took that pill. I took it real good.


I am confident that I can’t actually do anything right. I am a massive screw-up and everything I touch turns to crap. The End.

Okay so I haven’t bounced back from my neighborly-induced pill mishap. I sort of feel like the very beginning of my pill regimen and I am snappy and mean and I can’t think straight and I can’t do anything because I can’t even think. It took me two times to actually use my debit card at Target today because I kept hitting CANCEL where it says “would you like cash back?” instead of hitting NO CASH BACK or whatever. And everything is getting on my nerves and ugh. Like I’m back to being a moody teenager. I never really had moody teen years, not like you see on TV or in movies, so maybe this is my body’s way of catching up or making up for lost time. Haha sucker, you got it now! IN YOUR TWENTIES! YAY YOU!

Other than all that, I feel fine.

Oh dear god the people upstairs are not done doing whatever banging around they have to do. I mean, how long does it take to put your furniture into place? It’s not a huge apartment, there’s only so much you can do, the rest is all boxes. Maybe they are throwing the boxes to each other and dropping them. Or dragging them across the floor. Like this noise is unexplainable (PS chrome is telling me unexplainable isn’t a word but I double-checked. It is. SUCK ON THAT CHROME.)

It feels like there is just one bad thing happening after another around here. I’m clearly being dramatic but oh my god this is how it feels. Like first there was this whole thing at the school I sub for, then my dad, then the neighbors, now my pill-body readjustment. As I type I feel very shitty for even letting these thoughts out of my head. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know how much I can blame on the pills affecting my mood and how much is me whining like a little baby. I know for sure it’s a mix of both.

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Vyvanse Day 15

700 AM: I overslept. Good news is, I did fall asleep. Bad news is, I didn’t take Vyvanse on time.


The people upstairs are insane. So like I said, I finally fell asleep lat night. Which I figured I would. But I ended up oversleeping and taking muh pillz several hours later. No bueno. Right now someone is shouting “I HAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEAM” over and over again.

I had a dream once. It died once my neighbors moved in.

I haven’t had any headaches so far. No nausea. Still no appetite, but I’ve noticed that I do feel slightly hungry for the rest of the day once I finally do eat. Like that sliiiight hunger you feel when you’re starting to get bored but not so bored that you are bored-eating. Does that make sense? Probably not. Just, you know, like maybe you could eat some crackers or something.

My brain feels like pudding but that’s probably a combination of the past few days. I figure it’ll fix itself once I start sleeping properly and taking my pills on time again. It might be worth noting that going off schedule – both pill and sleep-wise – has a notable effect, though. It’s not like a relapse into fast-brain-madness, but rather, a complete sludge in my head that is difficult to wade through.

I am still perma-thirsty. Occasionally I drink a Coke Zero. I think it’s because I enjoy torturing myself. Every time I have caffeine (outside of the miniscule amount in a candy bar, etc.) it screws up my stomach. It turns me into an ulcer ball, but for some reason I still drink one every once in a while. I’m not kidding myself either, I’m thinking “I want a CZ, but my stomach… ah who cares.” I CARE. I CARE, PAST ERIN. FUTURE ERIN CARES SO MUCH. FUTURE ERIN CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN HOT&SEXY PAIN AND NOTSEXY PAIN. HERE’S A HINT: NOTSEXY PAIN MAKES YOU THINK OF HOSPITALS WHILE YOU’RE IN PAIN.

I haven’t noticed caffeine having an effect with the Vyvanse however. Maybe it’s just because I’m so low. I bet higher does have an effect.

That’s it, that’s all I got. Someone do me a favor and kill my upstairs neighbors though. Please. Please.

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Cactus Toucher.

What is it about cactuses (cacti, sorry) that makes them so appealing to touch? Why do I have a compulsive urge to touch them? I always get hurt. Sometimes I even get one of the prickers in my finger because I touched too hard! You can’t touch the cactuses! YOU JUST CAN’T!

Erin Cactus

But I touch them every time. I can’t control myself. I guess I got lucky, because one time my ex gave me a grow your own cactus kit because I can’t keep things alive right? And cactuses don’t even need anything, you just water them when you remember and they keep on living!

Well I was never able to actually grow those cactuses. So maybe it’s good news because I’d always have bloody fingertips and cactus prickers all over me. Now I just have regular fingertips and no prickers but sometimes cat scratches because I don’t leave our cats alone. I bother them.

Don’t touch the cactus, don’t touch the pan-it’s hot, don’t walk across the street before looking-you’ll get yourself killed. 

It’s like they think I can’t take care of myself or something, so weird right.

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Vyvanse Day 8 (I feel like a toddler)

700 AM: You can probably guess where this is going. I’m not sure if this has something to do with the Vyvanse, because I have always been the type of person who sets an alarm and I can get up and get going, no questions asked. Suddenly, I set an alarm to get up and it is getting increasingly more difficult to actually get up. It’s the worst (physical) part of depression for me; the inability to get out of bed and do anything. Maybe a sleep quality issue? I don’t know. Something to make not of and ask Dr.


So, title says it all. I feel like a fucking toddler. The frustration of not getting what I want is killing me and making me behave like I’m a child. Frustration has moved up the rankings as something that I am not able to tolerate. Especially since it has changed the way I react to it. I need to regain more control over my emotions and, you know, act like a fucking adult about shit.

I can make the comparison to my own anxiety reactions. Everything I was ever anxious about — from the teeniest tiniest things to real valid worries — I typically overreacted to. I knew I was overreacting but I couldn’t control it. People around me learned that I could acknowledge that this was stupid, this was not something anyone would even pick up on their radar as a worry, but here I was practically in tears over it.

My new-found frustrations feel a hell of a lot like that. I completely understand and acknowledge that this is stupid, why am I getting upset or angry about this, I don’t freaking know but I need to leave the room because I am literally ready to walk out of the house and not come back.

I mean, talk about a fucking overreaction. This isn’t some deal-breaker event, no life-changing, ethics-challenging circumstance where I would be dumping a fiancé over it. We’re talking about small-medium (smedium?) inconvenience where I’ve been trying to get to the bank for a week to score a huge discount on my contacts. And that is important, because I don’t make much and insurance doesn’t cover my contacts and contacts are ridiculously expensive.

But it is NOT worth feeling so frustrated that I want to just walk away from everything. That is a significant change in my own style, one that I need to keep an eye on because that could be a major mood side effect (one that takes you off of Vyvanse), or it could just be “irritability”, which is normal and fine and goes away.

I think I need to take like a kickboxing class or something, for stress relief or maybe just so I can hit things. A punching bag… I have no room for a punching bag. That’d be nice though. I bet I’d have great arms.

For Your Viewing Pleasure, I Present: Glarin’ Erin Toddler Sad

Me Sad Fixed

I took the picture with my iphone, so I tried to clean it up a bit, but it was taken with a disposable camera to begin with, so it’s not easy to fix. Personally, I think the red-eye I removed made me look even more pitiful. So here’s all three: Fully fixed, Fixed with red-eye, and original.

Me sad ALL

Click for full size, reaaaaally get all the details 😉

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You’re Killin’ Me, Smalls.

Do you know how many blogs I have started and then abandoned or deleted? Its like a massive amount. I don’t know what draws me to blogging. Maybe it’s a way for me to talk things out in my head to other people… without actually talking to people. I don’t like talking about my feelings or what I’m thinking to other people, I’m always embarrassed or nervous or something. I don’t like opening up.

Maybe blogging lets me pretend there’s not anyone even reading so who cares what I say. I can talk and talk and say my stupid thoughts and like who cares right? No one’s going to read them. I’m not anybody. I’m just a girl who’s so afraid of judgement she stops talking altogether.

But then I guess that’s why I end up deleting them. Probably out of fear. Or someone identifying me. It’s writing in a journal but I also want acknowledgement but NOT TOO MUCH because I panic and delete everything. But I keep coming back. I’ve been blogging off and on since I got my first laptop in 2006. That’s almost ten years of playing chicken with blogs.

People usually say like “Oh, I do it for me” but I don’t even like writing. I hate writing. So why do I even bother with this? I guess vlogging would be too personal/intimate… although I did have a lifecast going on for a while on Justin.tv. I set up a webcam on top of my TV and it would show me (from a slight angle) on my computer or you could see me watching tv, or sitting on my bed or an empty room because sometimes I wasn’t there. That was interesting. People can get creepy though and I stopped doing it.

Obviously, these days I’m talking about my experiences with medications and other things, so to the two people who stumble across this blog occasionally, I hope I helped you with my posts about Vyvanse or anxiety or something else.

I’m sorry, I just like the internet. I’m probably going to be a hermit and just write things on the internet for forever.

FOR-EV-ER

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