Tag Archives: Irritable

Vyvanse Weekly Update 5 (Belated)

Well.

So I haven’t posted in over a week now. Sorry.

I think I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It’s hard. It’s very defeating. I don’t want to do anything because I am psyching myself out.

I’ve got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be an update then.

And now, here’s the late weekly update.

My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting “reminder meals” to grazing, because actual “meals” are just too much. It’s too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don’t end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I’m NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I’m losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not trying to risk my health, I’m not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don’t know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I’ve lost a lot in three weeks and I don’t know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It’s unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it.

On a different note, I’ve only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids.

I don’t believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you’re super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 4

I can already hear you all groaning at my latest complaint. I can hear it. You’re like “Erin, of all the things to complain about, this is such BS. You’re a bitch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as side effects go, my worst one is… the fact that I don’t get hungry at all, and I have to ask people if I’ve eaten anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know, I know! It’s ridiculous. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I mean, who wouldn’t love never feeling hungry? But I do know that my body cannot sustain itself that way and I have to eat something or else a week from now I’ll have no energy and a massive headache and wonder what’s wrong with myself. HMMMMMM.

I do enjoy my brain now. it’s like, I can do anything! But I also feel myself sort of slipping into depression-mode, and I am so insanely terrified of what might happen if I find myself depressed and motivated. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s still just a big fear of mine right now.

I still don’t have any irritable outbursts. Except when it comes to my upstairs neighbors. Speaking of whom, they are killing me. I just don’t understand how you can let your kid scream his head off at you or at his xbox all while knowing you are having “sound” issues with your surrounding neighbors. SERIOUSLY? And how can you still drop shit constantly and move furniture constantly (?!? WTF is up with that, though) and vacuum after midnight constantly. They piss me the fuck off and I have never, never been so mad at neighbors before. It’s an apartment building! You don’t live in a house, so you HAVE to be considerate of other people.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?

zoloft_hill_group

MAYBE THEY WOULDN’T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN’T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for skin and bones — anorexia-style and really I am not.
Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.

FIN.

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Vyvanse Mid-Week Update: Appointment Day!

So, I went to the Dr. appointment today. It went pretty smoothly, like it usually does. My blood pressure was even down to normal, 118/82, which was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I’ve been dealing with years of “high-normal / pre-hypertension” readings ever since my meds went all wonky on me and I started swapping. Huge, huge plus for me.

I talked to her about my concerns with my irritability and my anxiety feeling out of control. Basically, she told me exactly what the internet told me; that my body[1] is metabolizing the Vyvanse too quickly, and we need to up it. She said that if it still happens and my dosage feels fine in all other aspects, that’s when we would switch to twice a day pills. Another Vyvanse point: she said that while the side effects should calm down and even out like normal, there is a good chance that they will never go away, so now we’re praying that the irritability smooths itself out enough to let me keep a normal job.

With the anxiety, I told her that I’ve never been on something that doesn’t have the added benefit of being an anti-anxiety. She was hoping that the Vyvanse would take away a major portion of it, since a lot of my anxiety stems from my own brain feeding off of itself. That doesn’t seem to be the case. So now I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. I’ve been on Zoloft before, but it was right in the beginning when I was suicidal and severely depressed and it didn’t work, at all. However, there wasn’t really any focus on my anxiety, so now we’re trying this to see if it can sort of dampen everything and bring me back down to a manageable level.

Total cost of everything? $4.00. THANK YOU MEDICAID. Medicaid has been a complete lifesaver for me. Before, when I was totes poor, I still managed to not qualify for Medicaid. Now, after the restructure, I qualify and I am nothing but thrilled.

FullSizeRender

I mean freaking look at that! Especially the Vyvanse, 257 bucks just for one months worth. That’s insane. I am incredibly lucky to qualify for assistance because I wouldn’t be on anything right now without it.

It makes me wonder how the hell other people are doing it. I mean, I’m poor. I always have been, and my career choice isn’t promising to get me out of being poor. I can only imagine how people who are middle-class (ish) and don’t qualify for assistance are managing. I mean, insurance is expensive. I was prepared to simply pay the fine for not having it before medicaid accepted me, because paying the fine each year was cheaper than paying for monthly insurance. It’s insane, that’s all I can say. Anyone who is struggling right now with medical shit and are caught in that limbo of “don’t qualify for assistance, can’t pay for insurance either”… I feel for you. There’s got to be a better way.

But now I’m veering into politics and I don’t really want to voice my opinions on that stuff just yet.

[1] For whatever reason, since it doesn’t apply to everyone and there isn’t a known factor on why certain bodies behave this way.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 2 (plus bonus fire story!)

This week’s been kind of rough. I’ve definitely got a pattern down. I take my pill, and about 6-8 hours later I’m cranky and irritable as hell. Like so irritable I’m like GO AWAY I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU. GET OUT. GO. LEAVE. GOODBYE. STOP FUCKING TALKING.

It’s not the best attitude I can have…

Like previous times I went off of anti-depressants, my anxiety is at an all time high. And that’s not fun. The good news is my appt. is on Wednesday so I can tell her all about this and she can fix it. The bad news is I’m terribly impatient when it comes to my health, mental or otherwise.

I don’t know if the side effects are clouding my vision, but I just don’t feel that motivation or clarity that I used to. I’m hoping that it’s because my body adjusted to the Vyvanse and realized it wasn’t enough, so I can go up and maybe get that double dose through the day or… something. But that plus trying to deal with my anxiety? I don’t know, we typically do one thing at a time; I’m just so sensitive to medicinal changes.

I feel really scared and overwhelmed with the idea of going back to work. I do have to go back soon, medicine or not, and I am terrified that I am going to lose my job because I snapped and started yelling at the kids. I mean, not yelling, but being a bad teacher. Like being irritated all the time by them, being snippy and exasperated. I’m also really overwhelmed because it’s like coming back from summer break and you’ve been gone for weeks and weeks and you have to get readjusted to how things work and whatever changes might have happened while you were gone. That kind of crap gives me major, major anxiety. Like blood pressure through the roof, I want to burst into tears when I get home levels of anxiety.

Plus I’ve said it before but I drive myself nuts being here at home doing nothing.


This has been sitting here for a while because I forgot to hit post. Whoops! But it’s “good” news because now I can add on this story. Our upstairs neighbors’ fire alarm went off. Completely normal, because this building has disgustingly sensitive alarms. As in, there’s one right outside the bathroom (which is directly across from the fuse box.) If you even think about taking a hot shower, the steam will set off the alarm.

I digress a bit. So their alarm goes off. And it goes off. And it goes off. And… it’s still going off? Wtf are these people doing, right?

My dad goes outside and can see through their porch window that the room is filled with smoke. So he hollers out for my mom and he runs up with my sister and they bang on the door and no one answers, and my dad is about to try to bash the door in because we know they have at least one cat, if not more animals, and who knows what’s happened to the people right? Door is unlocked. No one is home. Something has been left on the stove and is now burning and smoking. So my dad turns it all off and my sister runs through the apartment checking to see if anyone is stuck or whatever, but no one is there. He opens the porch door and the house door, and my mom is fanning the place, and eventually I find their cat and I take him outside out of the smoke. Still no one comes home. We’ve gotten the alarm to stop, and nothing is severely damaged to our knowledge, so we leave and start writing a note when my sister notices that the woman has come home.

Apparently she is doing laundry and the fam runs to the store quick-like while the wash is going, and they forgot the stove. She remembers at some point and rushes home without them (I mean, we just missed running into her while we were leaving their house and she came home.) So we tell her what we did and that we took the cat out for air and tried to fan as much as possible but holy hell, that place was filled, I mean FILLED with smoke. I don’t even know how the alarm turned off, because there was still so much in there.

My cat currently hates me because I am covered in stranger-cat-smell. I’m just thrilled the door was unlocked. We were all in our pyjamas, and I rushed into regular clothes and grabbed my phone and inhaler because I had no idea if this was a fire that was going to actually affect us. I had basically grabbed what I thought was important and decided everything else could be replaced, sacrificed, whatever, I was going to go into this fire to help our hellish neighbors that we have done nothing but complain about. And it took me no second thoughts, only sparing thoughts to what I wanted to take out of our apartment in case of collateral damage.

My dad was like “jesus christ you’re a bad ass” to my sister and I and all that. Mostly I think I just didn’t care if anything happened to me. That’s probably a little more concerning, but I kept my mouth shut. Apathy is apathy, but I walked in, in an attempt to help people. It’s not like I jaywalked without any cares. Maybe when that one happens (…again) I’ll mention it. For now… I dunno. All I know is my chest hurts from the smoke and my inhaler isn’t doing what I want it to.

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Vyvanse Day 30

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, fall back asleep. Ack! Inconsistency bothers me.


I think I wake up in a bad mood a lot because I’m mad at myself for not staying up after taking my pill. It’s like it’s not even me, because I do it all half-asleep so I don’t even realize I’m crawling back into bed. How annoying!

Today marks 1 full month of being on Vyvanse. (I say one full month because the prescriptions come in 30 dose pill bottles. That’s my marker.) I am still feeling very mixed about it. I like the good things that happen. I like that I can definitely notice a change in how my brain is working. I like that I am going slower and I can put focus into anything I want.

I don’t like the side effects, but they’re not bad enough (for me) to stop Vyvanse altogether. They’re annoying, but I haven’t been on a dosage for long enough to see if my body will adjust to it, so I don’t want to stop. I also don’t like that while I can put my full focus and attention into anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making good decisions. For example, if I were in high school, I would be able to focus completely on my homework and actually do it. (I never did homework in high school. I got A’s without HW.) But that doesn’t mean I would make the decision to DO the homework. I might choose to put my focus on reading, or cleaning, or basically anything else.

I suppose that’s really more of an Erin problem, though. I think I might have expected too much out of my medication, like it would magically make me want to do important grown-upy things, and that’s just not the case. Or maybe it would just be easier to tell if I’m gaining all the benefits if I were in school, or some setting where you can actually see improvement. Like sure I think my brain works better with this, but I don’t know if I’m even using it to it’s potential so…

I guess that’s something that has more to do with… hmphhh I can’t think right now. Like self-worth? It’s something that I’m going to have to work on in therapy, rather than something that can be fixed with a pill. I guess I have to MAKE the decisions to do something, to better myself in some way, and ADD medication is only clearing my brain out to see what’s wrong. It’s not going to make the depression go away, it’s just going to make me…

I’m so incoherent right now. I can’t think off the words I want or even what I want to convey.

My final point is, I guess I was so excited to try an alternative-backdoor method for my depression/anxiety that I never considered the part where I’m still going to have to go to therapy to deal with, you know, myself.

I’m going to end this with an old picture of my kitty sleeping with her tongue out. She’s so black that you can’t make out her features unless you fiddle with lighting settings, making her fur look brown instead.

kittytongue

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Vyvanse Day 29

700 AM: Sitting in car, already awake. Sister pointed out that my alarm was going off since I couldn’t hear it in my purse. Dropping madre off at airport around 730-745. The mall doesn’t open until 10 (wtf?) so we have a couple hours to kill. Went to Denny’s.


I haven’t been in a Denny’s for over 10 years I think. The menu’s have changed since I last saw them. Finally got to the mall and went practically straight into the Sephora (which isn’t a full one, it’s a Sephora in JcPenney’s). I got a new moisturizer that I think is really going to help clear up my skin and make me a model. People will look at me and be like, oh yeah, she’s a model, just look at that moisturized skin.

Anyway. I ate breakfast at an appropriate time for the first time in several weeks. I felt stuffed even though I barely ate anything. And then I was just feeling annoyed all day. But the sephora lady was nice. I liked her. She even helped me “diagnose” my mother’s skin without my mom being there and gave me some samples for her to try. I really liked her.

Other than that, I felt like even though it was early and there weren’t a lot of people around, I kept managing to be in the way or other people were just standing there oblivious to being in my way. I don’t know, it’s fairly normal I think but it seemed soooooo much worse today. Like everyone was trying to be bothersome. Sometimes, I swear, I’m just so irritable and annoyed. Just up to 100 all the fucking time. Like I’m in my terrible two’s again! If something is not completely going my way then I am just so frustrated and upset.

I mean, I was never a completely easy-going person to begin with, but I have never been this irritable/annoyed all the time. Before, it could almost always be tied to anxiety somehow. I’m annoyed because plans changed and I don’t know what’s going on now, I’m annoyed because I can’t predict something, I’m annoyed because other people are making me late and I like to be early, etc.

Now, it’s like I’m just being bitchy. I hate that! But I can’t turn it off, it’s just how I feel, and I can’t even warn people because I have no idea if I’m going to be feeling that way or if I’m going to feel great. It’s terrible.

No stomach pain today though. I do have a headache but it developed throughout the day and I think it’s because I was so tense over being around other people. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

I haven’t said anything about my brain feelings lately, and it’s because it hasn’t changed that much. I still feel like I am thinking smoother, clearer, but I’m also still smashing my words together and stumbling over sentences. I don’t know if that’s an ADD thing or an Erin thing. I mean, I always said it’s because whenever I talk, I’m already thinking 100 sentences ahead, so everything becomes jumbled or lost completely and I stop talking mid-sentence and everyone thinks I’m strange. I don’t know. Sounds like ADD. Sounds like brain speed is too fast. Maybe I’m actually just an idiot though.

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Vyvanse Day 28 (FRIDAY THE 13th WHAAAT)

700 AM: Hit alarm, turn them all off in your sleep, wake up for real around 9. UCK.


This is ridiculous! I feel like I can’t control my body. I can’t wake up and take the pill at the time I need to in order to be able to sleep when I need to.

Luckily, I actually HAVE to leave at 530 AM tomorrow to take my mother to the airport, so no matter what I will be awake when my pill alarm goes off. I’ve already stashed a pill in my purse so I don’t even have to remember to grab the bottle or stick one in my pocket or anything. I AM PREPARED. Maybe tomorrow will sort of “reset” me so I can get back on schedule? Maybe? Probably not. But maybe.

Girl Scout cookies are here! They have been for a few days now but I’m only just thinking about it because I ate an entire box of Tagalongs throughout yesterdaaaaay. That’s 950 calories. I felt like I was stuffing myself to the brim every time I ate one but they’re only around once a year! I HAD TO. I HAD NO CHOICE!

GSC

These are NOT the same boxes I used to sell. Also 4 bucks a box? Shit’s getting expensive!

Haha, but really though. I don’t know why I did it. That’s not really me. Fortunately I’ve got it out of my system, so I can buy a couple more boxes before they go and eat them like normal. Three-four boxes, eat a cookie now and then. That usually lasts me until summer. And then I’m sad because I have to wait to buy more cookies.

Last night my stomach was killing me. The only thing that felt comfortable was lying on the floor. Seriously guys, if you fuck up your meds and you deal with the “upper abdominal pain” side effect, that crap can get HORRIBLE. This is a major warning to anyone on Vyvanse.

I’ve also got a serious headache, I think it’s from yesterday being on 60mg and today only my prescribed 30mg. I’m just so stupidly sensitive to medications. My body revolts at the tiniest thing. I’m betting many people on Vyvanse do not go through as much as I do because their bodies do not act like WHINY LITTLE BABIES. Finally, I’ve also got major irritability going on right now. I’m glad no one is home at the moment because I don’t even want to hear anyone. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to hear them, like, just get out go do something and leave me alone.

I feel really bad about my… “up-down-sideways-backwards” -ness with my family. I can’t even control it. Thankfully, it’s supposed to go away once you’ve reached your optimal dosage, and everything just sort of evens out and goes back to normal. You know, with the upside of fixing your problems.

Of course, that’s just what is supposed to happen, because if it doesn’t any you stay wild and crazy, then this isn’t the medication for you and that would be so devastating to me because I am completely at my wits end. I am almost out of options here. So I am really, really rooting for this to be helping me. And I know it’s doing something, because I can “feel” my brain changing how it thinks and how I process information, so I’m hoping that that is a good sign and not just the normal “well duh, it’s an amphetamine of course you feel that way.”  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it.

The End.

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Vyvanse Day 27 (The day I accidentally took my pill twice)

700 AM: Wake up. Take pill. Fall asleep. Wake up. Take pill. Realize you fucked up bad now. But it does make your pill count even again because you missed a pill a few days ago. But you’ve taken two pills, and that’s bad. That’s bad.


So who wants to guess what happened with the managers and their notice and the noise yesterday? Yeah? I’ll give you a minute, just call out your answers.

Yeah, you got it! They never showed up. To be fair, it’s past 2PM right now and they still haven’t showed up. This drives me fucking nuts. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe people can be this incompetent. It’s ridiculous. My dad totally blew up yesterday and wrote a note to the people upstairs, which is really embarrassing. The best part? The woman came downstairs maybe 20-303 minutes later and knocked on our door. My dad answered and she was like, is this your note? And he’s thinking “damn, I got caught”. It was great because my mom had just come home and she was… uh… not yelling at him but like… scolding? Chastising, maybe.

Anyway she was like why do you have to be like that? Just let the managers deal with it yadda yadda, and then comes this tiny little woman from upstairs. My dad went outside and talked to her and he starts laughing and tells her he was just being “yelled at” by his wife and apologizes and she apologizes and tells him that they actually made a noise complaint on themselves because apparently they have rugs and shit down and everything still echoes and THAT is what prompted the notice in the first place.

So the air is cleared a bit between us, but I’m still not completely forgiving because when you know that shit is too loud, there is no excuse for vacuuming that late at night or clomping around with your shoes on or doing furniture arrangement or WHAT-ever past midnight. Apparently the kid is 12, not a teen. I know that can be a difficult time, girls and boys, but when I was little, we used to live on the top floor of an apartment and my parents were ON me. If I made any kind of loud noise my parents were right there “SHH there are people who live underneath us you need to be quiet.”

Like that’s probably why I am so light-footed nowadays. My parents trained me. Like a monkey. They never hear me leave my room and jump out of their skin whenever I walk into the kitchen and they have their backs to me. “We’re gonna put a frickin’ bell on you!”

Here’s a picture of me with a real monkey!*

Monkey me-page-001

*Technically not a monkey, technically an ape. It’s a chimp. But only technically. Whatever, deal with it.

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Vyvanse Day 26

700 AM: Wake up. Get up. Take pill by 730. Smoke detector alarm going off because of low battery, so every 1-2 minutes, hear “BEEEEEP”. Today is not a good day, BEEEEEP is driving you to actual tears. Luckily, Dad unplugs the connection until someone goes to the store to buy a pack of 9V’s. Anxiety is through the roof and it’s not even lunchtime.


I think, because I missed yesterday, my brain is all out of whack. We got a notice on the door yesterday ~5-6PM that they would be coming by sometime to check out the noise levels because they were testing something upstairs. AKA the goddamn floors. AKA the bane of my existence. This was also considered our 24h notice. I’m literally convinced they don’t actually know what “24h notice” means. They typically give us these notices at night, right before the office closes, and then someone might show up the next morning (not 24 hours) or not at all. And then they give us another notice saying sorry we’re coming to do it whenever we feel like, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. The managers are assholes. It’s been like this for years. I’m glad I technically live in another complex.

To be totally clear, (I think I mentioned it offhand before), I don’t actually live with my parents. I live down the block with a roommate. When I started this brand new drug regimen, I/my family/my Dr decided it would be best/easiest if I temporarily stayed with my parents again because they know me best. They know my personality, they’ve dealt with me during deep depression/anxiety years, etc., so they would be the first to know if something was really wrong and I needed to stop right away. Especially since I don’t often recognize the “bad” side effects, since they kind of change your personality a bit and I will fight tooth and nail that nothing is changed, you’re just a bitch, etc. My parents know this, they’ve dealt with it, they can throw me back to the Dr and say yeah this needs to stop now.

But that’s a little off topic. Anyway, I managed my pill at my usual time. I’ve been awake since then. I feel very wound up, probably because of the impending intrusion, the fact that it may or may not happen, and a huge fear on my part that they come during a quiet part and decide hey nothing is wrong it’s not noisy at all! I’m so afraid of that. I don’t even have to live here after I stabilize on the Vyvanse and I am fucking terrified of living with this noise for that long. It’s just a very, very deep seated unease I am feeling.

They were being noisy as hell last night, again, and around 1130 I attempted to record their noise levels so I could at least prove that it happens, even if no one was home to be noisy when the managers came to visit. I turned on EVERYTHING I had that could record. I tried my computer, I tried my tablet, I tried my iPhone. I tried video recording, I tried voice only recording. NOTHING could properly pick up the noise. Everything was staticky and you could hear the CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP that would happen, but you couldn’t hear the voices unless you knew what you were looking for in the static. It was so disheartening. I thought I had this great idea and I couldn’t produce anything. It sucked. I even emailed the best ones (my iPhone) to myself and downloaded audio programs to try to clean it up, but I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I can get rid of the static, but then everything is tinny and it kind of sounds fake. Plus, the voices go away. I need the voices to accompany the CLOMP-THUD-SLAM that they do so everyone knows what we can actually hear.

I don’t even know what they would do if they realized how bad it is. Like, are you going to tell the people, “Sorry, we know your lease is for a newly upgraded model with ‘wooden’ floors, but it turns out it’s too noisy so we have to give you carpet.” I mean, they’ve effectively screwed everyone over with this BS. Either we get stuck with the constant noise, or they have to fuck over the people upstairs and force them into dealing with workers trying to fix the sound insulation, or take away their floors.

Not that I feel that bad about them upstairs. The more I listen to them, the more I think that they are honestly rude, inconsiderate assholes who won’t give a damn that they are so fucking loud. I don’t think going up to them and talking is an option. After listening to them talk to each other, and them dealing with their shithead teen kid (he sounds like a real piece of work), and them vacuuming/dropping shit/dragging things around past midnight… I mean… COME ON.

My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I can’t lessen my anxiety, and either there’s something stuck under my eyelid I can’t find or my eye got scratched so now I have to wear my glasses which aren’t even the right prescription. Everything is  just dramatic and terrible today, I need to crawl back into bed and wait for tomorrow to fix this mess.

This is long. Thanks for listening to me whine. Sorry about that.

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