Tag Archives: Struggle

Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?

zoloft_hill_group

MAYBE THEY WOULDN’T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN’T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for skin and bones — anorexia-style and really I am not.
Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.

FIN.

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Vyvanse Mid-Week Update: Appointment Day!

So, I went to the Dr. appointment today. It went pretty smoothly, like it usually does. My blood pressure was even down to normal, 118/82, which was probably the most exciting thing that happened. I’ve been dealing with years of “high-normal / pre-hypertension” readings ever since my meds went all wonky on me and I started swapping. Huge, huge plus for me.

I talked to her about my concerns with my irritability and my anxiety feeling out of control. Basically, she told me exactly what the internet told me; that my body[1] is metabolizing the Vyvanse too quickly, and we need to up it. She said that if it still happens and my dosage feels fine in all other aspects, that’s when we would switch to twice a day pills. Another Vyvanse point: she said that while the side effects should calm down and even out like normal, there is a good chance that they will never go away, so now we’re praying that the irritability smooths itself out enough to let me keep a normal job.

With the anxiety, I told her that I’ve never been on something that doesn’t have the added benefit of being an anti-anxiety. She was hoping that the Vyvanse would take away a major portion of it, since a lot of my anxiety stems from my own brain feeding off of itself. That doesn’t seem to be the case. So now I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. I’ve been on Zoloft before, but it was right in the beginning when I was suicidal and severely depressed and it didn’t work, at all. However, there wasn’t really any focus on my anxiety, so now we’re trying this to see if it can sort of dampen everything and bring me back down to a manageable level.

Total cost of everything? $4.00. THANK YOU MEDICAID. Medicaid has been a complete lifesaver for me. Before, when I was totes poor, I still managed to not qualify for Medicaid. Now, after the restructure, I qualify and I am nothing but thrilled.

FullSizeRender

I mean freaking look at that! Especially the Vyvanse, 257 bucks just for one months worth. That’s insane. I am incredibly lucky to qualify for assistance because I wouldn’t be on anything right now without it.

It makes me wonder how the hell other people are doing it. I mean, I’m poor. I always have been, and my career choice isn’t promising to get me out of being poor. I can only imagine how people who are middle-class (ish) and don’t qualify for assistance are managing. I mean, insurance is expensive. I was prepared to simply pay the fine for not having it before medicaid accepted me, because paying the fine each year was cheaper than paying for monthly insurance. It’s insane, that’s all I can say. Anyone who is struggling right now with medical shit and are caught in that limbo of “don’t qualify for assistance, can’t pay for insurance either”… I feel for you. There’s got to be a better way.

But now I’m veering into politics and I don’t really want to voice my opinions on that stuff just yet.

[1] For whatever reason, since it doesn’t apply to everyone and there isn’t a known factor on why certain bodies behave this way.

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My Sister Turned 18 and My Carpal Tunnel Came Back

Yesterday my sister turned 18. She’s 18. She’s fucking 18. I can’t handle that. I mean, I’m freaking out like mad, I can only imagine how my parents feel. My parents have two adults. I mean, my sister’s still in high school, but still. Two whole legal adults.

My sister isn’t really doing anything with her life and I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in a way. I was the big sister, I was the one she looked up to, got jealous of, etc. And I made mistake after mistake and I was a big fuckup for a few years. I don’t really consider myself a fuckup now, but I’m moving (my life) at a much slower pace than I feel I should be and… I don’t know, it’s like I’m not setting a good example for her. She never applied to any colleges, she’s never had a job, we have no idea if we’re even going to be in this state by the next “school year”… I don’t know why that part matters but it feels like it fits in.

I know… I know, ultimately, that she has to take control of her own life and I can’t hold myself responsible for what she’s doing, but… hell I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

I guess, I just knew growing up that I was heralded as this amazing child (She’s so smart! She’s going to a great college! She’s _______ and ________ and wonderful, yay Erin!) and my sister had to live in my shadow for a while. She was very different from me from the start and we were (…still are…) 6+ years apart so it’s not like she should have been expected to be anything like me. Her entire growing up experience was different than mine. I  think that’s what we bond over the most, having different experiences and being able to talk about them, teach them to each other, laugh over what we do have in common. But still I feel I let her down. When I started fucking up, maybe she saw that I wasn’t this golden child, I wasn’t perfect and maybe she took it the wrong way. instead of seeing that nobody was perfect, she saw that if I couldn’t do something, how on earth could she?

I’m speculating. I’m assuming a lot and I obviously don’t know what she is thinking and I’m kind of assuming negative thoughts instead of positive thoughts in her mind. I mean, that’s pretty presumptuous of me and kind of rude I think. (Duh, that’s like half of what presumptuous means. Just pretend I wanted to really drive home that I’m being an asshole right now.)

I don’t know. I guess… I just feel like I’ve screwed up a major part of my life and I don’t want her to think that I’m anyone to model their life after, like if I couldn’t handle something then she shouldn’t even try. Because she should. She comes home every week with some story that I’m so jealous of and I tell her every time. She actually comes home every day but I meant that there’s at least one story every week. I just don’t feel like re-writing any of my sentences right now, as you can tell, because I wouldn’t have to explain every other sentence like I am. Instead, they’d just be clear. But they’re not, and it’s hard typing with a brace on your hand[1], and I don’t feel like re-typing things.

At the same time, I also feel like I’m setting her up for failure by comparing her life to mine when I was her age. Who cares that I had a summer job before I was 18? Who cares that I had gotten into “good” colleges? That’s not her life. She might have something else planned for her life that I don’t even know about. Maybe when she graduates she’s planning on getting a job. Maybe she plans to take a year off to figure out what she wants to do. Maybe she has some ideas but simply hasn’t figured out how to implement them just yet.

Maybe she has nothing. I really hope that’s not true.

[1] Like the title says, my carpal tunnel came back. It’s hard to avoid when you spend so much freaking time on the computer typing like a maniac and you still haven’t gotten any of the cushion mousepads or keyboard rests. I bring this on myself, but it’s stupid because it’s fucking painful and it’s really simple to correct given that I know exactly how mine develops.

carpalbrace

I don’t know why I felt the need to take a picture to prove it to you guys. It’s a weird picture too. I had to bend my arm funny just to get the whole thing in the shot, and the logo is right on top of the brace so it looks like a strange ad. I couldn’t twist my arm in a way to hide it. It looks like I’m going hey here’s my brace made by MUELLER, for carpal tunnel that I TOTALLY HAVE GUYS and this is in no way a plug for MUELLER braces MUELLER MUELLER MUELLER.

PS the brace isn’t so hot anyway, its the smallest one they have and it’s still too big on me so the pinky-finger side rubs and is really bothersome.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 1

Alright, so it’s been a week since my last update. I ended on a Sunday so I guess I’m going these on Sundays now. Hmm…

So things have been okay. Twice this week I’ve found myself pacing around my room because the people upstairs have been so freaking noisy that I’m so tense and worked up and I can’t calm down. It’s awful. I never know when they’re going to drop something or the kid starts screaming or whatever, si I’m just always on edge and I can’t handle it without some backup it seems.

I’m 99% sure this has nothing to do with the Vyvanse I’m on. Previously I’ve been on tons of anti-depressants, which almost always double as anti-anxiety. I’m no longer on any of those, I just have my twice a day as needed Klonopin, which doesn’t last as long as I need it to. Definitely need to talk to Dr. about that.

I’m also finding that my stomach pains are coinciding with this sort of fuzzy/fogginess in my head. I think it’s the Vyvanse effects wearing off. I’m not sure. I mean, I know I start sort of slipping and losing focus, I can tell exactly when the Vyvanse is wearing off, but I can’t figure out why that would affect my stomach. You’d think that the stomach pain would be from digesting the medicine, so it’d happen maybe 30 mins-2 hours after taking the pill, but no. It’s very weird. But I also have a history of stomach issues, so it could just be me and my stomach behaves differently. It’s also not intolerable, so it’s not like I’m writhing on the floor in pain like my prior stomach issues, but… I don’t know. new-girl-gif-sad-sigh-compliment-insecure

I can’t decide if the side effects are worth it yet. I also feel very strongly that I haven’t been on it long enough to see how long they will even last. Most people have side effects for a couple weeks, and that’s it, but I’m incredibly sensitive to medications so I know I need a longer period of “the side effect waiting game” before I say okay, this isn’t going to work.

I feel like there was more but I can’t remember it now. Sorry. I’ll either amend this post or update again later if I remember anything.

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Vyvanse Day 30

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, fall back asleep. Ack! Inconsistency bothers me.


I think I wake up in a bad mood a lot because I’m mad at myself for not staying up after taking my pill. It’s like it’s not even me, because I do it all half-asleep so I don’t even realize I’m crawling back into bed. How annoying!

Today marks 1 full month of being on Vyvanse. (I say one full month because the prescriptions come in 30 dose pill bottles. That’s my marker.) I am still feeling very mixed about it. I like the good things that happen. I like that I can definitely notice a change in how my brain is working. I like that I am going slower and I can put focus into anything I want.

I don’t like the side effects, but they’re not bad enough (for me) to stop Vyvanse altogether. They’re annoying, but I haven’t been on a dosage for long enough to see if my body will adjust to it, so I don’t want to stop. I also don’t like that while I can put my full focus and attention into anything, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m making good decisions. For example, if I were in high school, I would be able to focus completely on my homework and actually do it. (I never did homework in high school. I got A’s without HW.) But that doesn’t mean I would make the decision to DO the homework. I might choose to put my focus on reading, or cleaning, or basically anything else.

I suppose that’s really more of an Erin problem, though. I think I might have expected too much out of my medication, like it would magically make me want to do important grown-upy things, and that’s just not the case. Or maybe it would just be easier to tell if I’m gaining all the benefits if I were in school, or some setting where you can actually see improvement. Like sure I think my brain works better with this, but I don’t know if I’m even using it to it’s potential so…

I guess that’s something that has more to do with… hmphhh I can’t think right now. Like self-worth? It’s something that I’m going to have to work on in therapy, rather than something that can be fixed with a pill. I guess I have to MAKE the decisions to do something, to better myself in some way, and ADD medication is only clearing my brain out to see what’s wrong. It’s not going to make the depression go away, it’s just going to make me…

I’m so incoherent right now. I can’t think off the words I want or even what I want to convey.

My final point is, I guess I was so excited to try an alternative-backdoor method for my depression/anxiety that I never considered the part where I’m still going to have to go to therapy to deal with, you know, myself.

I’m going to end this with an old picture of my kitty sleeping with her tongue out. She’s so black that you can’t make out her features unless you fiddle with lighting settings, making her fur look brown instead.

kittytongue

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Vyvanse Day 28 (FRIDAY THE 13th WHAAAT)

700 AM: Hit alarm, turn them all off in your sleep, wake up for real around 9. UCK.


This is ridiculous! I feel like I can’t control my body. I can’t wake up and take the pill at the time I need to in order to be able to sleep when I need to.

Luckily, I actually HAVE to leave at 530 AM tomorrow to take my mother to the airport, so no matter what I will be awake when my pill alarm goes off. I’ve already stashed a pill in my purse so I don’t even have to remember to grab the bottle or stick one in my pocket or anything. I AM PREPARED. Maybe tomorrow will sort of “reset” me so I can get back on schedule? Maybe? Probably not. But maybe.

Girl Scout cookies are here! They have been for a few days now but I’m only just thinking about it because I ate an entire box of Tagalongs throughout yesterdaaaaay. That’s 950 calories. I felt like I was stuffing myself to the brim every time I ate one but they’re only around once a year! I HAD TO. I HAD NO CHOICE!

GSC

These are NOT the same boxes I used to sell. Also 4 bucks a box? Shit’s getting expensive!

Haha, but really though. I don’t know why I did it. That’s not really me. Fortunately I’ve got it out of my system, so I can buy a couple more boxes before they go and eat them like normal. Three-four boxes, eat a cookie now and then. That usually lasts me until summer. And then I’m sad because I have to wait to buy more cookies.

Last night my stomach was killing me. The only thing that felt comfortable was lying on the floor. Seriously guys, if you fuck up your meds and you deal with the “upper abdominal pain” side effect, that crap can get HORRIBLE. This is a major warning to anyone on Vyvanse.

I’ve also got a serious headache, I think it’s from yesterday being on 60mg and today only my prescribed 30mg. I’m just so stupidly sensitive to medications. My body revolts at the tiniest thing. I’m betting many people on Vyvanse do not go through as much as I do because their bodies do not act like WHINY LITTLE BABIES. Finally, I’ve also got major irritability going on right now. I’m glad no one is home at the moment because I don’t even want to hear anyone. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to hear them, like, just get out go do something and leave me alone.

I feel really bad about my… “up-down-sideways-backwards” -ness with my family. I can’t even control it. Thankfully, it’s supposed to go away once you’ve reached your optimal dosage, and everything just sort of evens out and goes back to normal. You know, with the upside of fixing your problems.

Of course, that’s just what is supposed to happen, because if it doesn’t any you stay wild and crazy, then this isn’t the medication for you and that would be so devastating to me because I am completely at my wits end. I am almost out of options here. So I am really, really rooting for this to be helping me. And I know it’s doing something, because I can “feel” my brain changing how it thinks and how I process information, so I’m hoping that that is a good sign and not just the normal “well duh, it’s an amphetamine of course you feel that way.”  I don’t know. I don’t like to think about it.

The End.

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Vyvanse Day 27 (The day I accidentally took my pill twice)

700 AM: Wake up. Take pill. Fall asleep. Wake up. Take pill. Realize you fucked up bad now. But it does make your pill count even again because you missed a pill a few days ago. But you’ve taken two pills, and that’s bad. That’s bad.


So who wants to guess what happened with the managers and their notice and the noise yesterday? Yeah? I’ll give you a minute, just call out your answers.

Yeah, you got it! They never showed up. To be fair, it’s past 2PM right now and they still haven’t showed up. This drives me fucking nuts. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe people can be this incompetent. It’s ridiculous. My dad totally blew up yesterday and wrote a note to the people upstairs, which is really embarrassing. The best part? The woman came downstairs maybe 20-303 minutes later and knocked on our door. My dad answered and she was like, is this your note? And he’s thinking “damn, I got caught”. It was great because my mom had just come home and she was… uh… not yelling at him but like… scolding? Chastising, maybe.

Anyway she was like why do you have to be like that? Just let the managers deal with it yadda yadda, and then comes this tiny little woman from upstairs. My dad went outside and talked to her and he starts laughing and tells her he was just being “yelled at” by his wife and apologizes and she apologizes and tells him that they actually made a noise complaint on themselves because apparently they have rugs and shit down and everything still echoes and THAT is what prompted the notice in the first place.

So the air is cleared a bit between us, but I’m still not completely forgiving because when you know that shit is too loud, there is no excuse for vacuuming that late at night or clomping around with your shoes on or doing furniture arrangement or WHAT-ever past midnight. Apparently the kid is 12, not a teen. I know that can be a difficult time, girls and boys, but when I was little, we used to live on the top floor of an apartment and my parents were ON me. If I made any kind of loud noise my parents were right there “SHH there are people who live underneath us you need to be quiet.”

Like that’s probably why I am so light-footed nowadays. My parents trained me. Like a monkey. They never hear me leave my room and jump out of their skin whenever I walk into the kitchen and they have their backs to me. “We’re gonna put a frickin’ bell on you!”

Here’s a picture of me with a real monkey!*

Monkey me-page-001

*Technically not a monkey, technically an ape. It’s a chimp. But only technically. Whatever, deal with it.

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Vyvanse Day 26

700 AM: Wake up. Get up. Take pill by 730. Smoke detector alarm going off because of low battery, so every 1-2 minutes, hear “BEEEEEP”. Today is not a good day, BEEEEEP is driving you to actual tears. Luckily, Dad unplugs the connection until someone goes to the store to buy a pack of 9V’s. Anxiety is through the roof and it’s not even lunchtime.


I think, because I missed yesterday, my brain is all out of whack. We got a notice on the door yesterday ~5-6PM that they would be coming by sometime to check out the noise levels because they were testing something upstairs. AKA the goddamn floors. AKA the bane of my existence. This was also considered our 24h notice. I’m literally convinced they don’t actually know what “24h notice” means. They typically give us these notices at night, right before the office closes, and then someone might show up the next morning (not 24 hours) or not at all. And then they give us another notice saying sorry we’re coming to do it whenever we feel like, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. The managers are assholes. It’s been like this for years. I’m glad I technically live in another complex.

To be totally clear, (I think I mentioned it offhand before), I don’t actually live with my parents. I live down the block with a roommate. When I started this brand new drug regimen, I/my family/my Dr decided it would be best/easiest if I temporarily stayed with my parents again because they know me best. They know my personality, they’ve dealt with me during deep depression/anxiety years, etc., so they would be the first to know if something was really wrong and I needed to stop right away. Especially since I don’t often recognize the “bad” side effects, since they kind of change your personality a bit and I will fight tooth and nail that nothing is changed, you’re just a bitch, etc. My parents know this, they’ve dealt with it, they can throw me back to the Dr and say yeah this needs to stop now.

But that’s a little off topic. Anyway, I managed my pill at my usual time. I’ve been awake since then. I feel very wound up, probably because of the impending intrusion, the fact that it may or may not happen, and a huge fear on my part that they come during a quiet part and decide hey nothing is wrong it’s not noisy at all! I’m so afraid of that. I don’t even have to live here after I stabilize on the Vyvanse and I am fucking terrified of living with this noise for that long. It’s just a very, very deep seated unease I am feeling.

They were being noisy as hell last night, again, and around 1130 I attempted to record their noise levels so I could at least prove that it happens, even if no one was home to be noisy when the managers came to visit. I turned on EVERYTHING I had that could record. I tried my computer, I tried my tablet, I tried my iPhone. I tried video recording, I tried voice only recording. NOTHING could properly pick up the noise. Everything was staticky and you could hear the CLOMP-CLOMP-CLOMP that would happen, but you couldn’t hear the voices unless you knew what you were looking for in the static. It was so disheartening. I thought I had this great idea and I couldn’t produce anything. It sucked. I even emailed the best ones (my iPhone) to myself and downloaded audio programs to try to clean it up, but I couldn’t do anything to make it better. I can get rid of the static, but then everything is tinny and it kind of sounds fake. Plus, the voices go away. I need the voices to accompany the CLOMP-THUD-SLAM that they do so everyone knows what we can actually hear.

I don’t even know what they would do if they realized how bad it is. Like, are you going to tell the people, “Sorry, we know your lease is for a newly upgraded model with ‘wooden’ floors, but it turns out it’s too noisy so we have to give you carpet.” I mean, they’ve effectively screwed everyone over with this BS. Either we get stuck with the constant noise, or they have to fuck over the people upstairs and force them into dealing with workers trying to fix the sound insulation, or take away their floors.

Not that I feel that bad about them upstairs. The more I listen to them, the more I think that they are honestly rude, inconsiderate assholes who won’t give a damn that they are so fucking loud. I don’t think going up to them and talking is an option. After listening to them talk to each other, and them dealing with their shithead teen kid (he sounds like a real piece of work), and them vacuuming/dropping shit/dragging things around past midnight… I mean… COME ON.

My head hurts, my stomach hurts, I can’t lessen my anxiety, and either there’s something stuck under my eyelid I can’t find or my eye got scratched so now I have to wear my glasses which aren’t even the right prescription. Everything is  just dramatic and terrible today, I need to crawl back into bed and wait for tomorrow to fix this mess.

This is long. Thanks for listening to me whine. Sorry about that.

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Vyvanse Day 24

700 AM: I am actually still awake. This is because of my upstairs neighbors yet again. Somehow, kids are able to make noise while still being asleep. JK I’M JUST BUSY JUDGING THESE PEOPLE AND THE WAY THEY RAISE THEIR KIDS


Okay so after the kids left (presumably for school, but who knows with these crazy cats!) and I took my pill, I ended up falling asleep. So I mean plus because good I got some sleep, but bad because it is very likely that I will fuck up my schedule. Also while I was busy not sleeping, I finished all my books and now I have nothing to read while not sleeping, again. Get more books get more books get more books.

My stomach is killing me. Blech. Today’s not a good digestive day. I don’t know if it’s because I keep not eating regularly, or if it is just completely random on whether my stomach will readily accept the meds.

I found out that I had a box of bleach this whole time in my closet and I could have done my highlights so I can re-dye my hair, which I’ve been waiting on. I’m naturally a dark blonde, and my hair is a… golden-beige light blonde right now. It’s not bad, but it’s not my regular looking hair color which I’ve been wanting back. But I also love red. Which is why I can never stay happy with any color for more than 3 weeks. I flip back and forth between blonde and red and it wreaks havoc on my hair. Major bummer. But you’re probably not here to read about my hair.

Honestly today was mostly uneventful and boring. I took out a bunch of trash and fantasized about being rich. The usual. I had a million tabs open on fancy houses and expensive things and like a million reddit tabs open too. I haven’t been on reddit for a while so it’s like everything was new and wonderful again!

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Vyvanse Day 22

700 AM: Wake up, don’t be totally grumpy, take pill, stay awake, everything is smooth. Phew!


Today’s been pretty uneventful. I did forget to eat until about lunchtime because my mom, my friend, and I kept finding something new to talk about. I didn’t feel hungry, obviously, but I never intended to NOT eat, I usually just force myself to eat a banana/protein shake… sometimes oatmeal. Something, you know? So that’s probably the biggest thing regarding the Vyvanse that happened today.

I don’t feel irritated or nauseated. I don’t have any stomach pains today, no headaches. So, pretty good overall.

I am a little concerned about the medication and my depression. I entertained this option because I’ve exhausted nearly all other options of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, alone and combined. What concerns me is that I feel like my brain is a little clearer now, but it means that I’m recognizing aspects of my depression. While I’d like to get better completely, it definitely was easier when I was just ambivalent toward everything. Living life where you literally just don’t care is surprisingly easy. It also comes with a lack of motivation. “I don’t care if I do anything. I don’t care if I am at home or at a store or at a friends house. I don’t care about the conversation, I don’t care about watching tv, I don’t care about anything, anyone.”

That’s not really the case anymore. I am feeling more natural motivation to do something, and I’m definitely afraid that one day, that motivation will manifest itself in actually attempting suicide. There’s just a scary part of battling depression where medication is working for you, you are getting out of the “I don’t care/I’m numb” funk, but now you feel a lot. You feel a whole lot and you care a lot and then you can suddenly care about killing yourself. It’s very scary for me thinking that I can suddenly be overwhelmed again with my feelings about myself, and have motivation to do things, so… I’m motivated to kill myself. I don’t want to be motivated to kill myself. I’ve been through that, and I’ve seen what it does to other people; knowing that their friend/girlfriend/daughter whatever, tried to kill herself, and it’s only through sheer luck that she’s even alive right now.

I got a bit lost there on how to explain anything. I’m still not sure how much sense I am making. Oh well. Next time.

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