Tag Archives: Terrible

Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?


Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.



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Whoever told the internet that you could foil your own hair no problem is making a lot of money.

Disclaimer Disclaimer Disclaimer: I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL HAIRSTYLIST/HAIR-COLORIST. Everything in this post is based on my own 10 years of hair-dying experience. DO NOT go directly from this post to the store, do more research if you plan on “professionally” dying your own hair. Be prepared to fuck up. I’m serious. Be prepared for something to go wrong, and you either accept it or head to the salon for a fixin’. 

So I was doing something pretty “basic” to my own hair. I say basic because I was not highlighting my entire head, and most of what I was doing was getting covered by hair anyway. A bit of a twist on peek-a-boo highlights. So on the crown of my head, I had created a star shape. Twist it out of the way, and outline the star in pale blonde. (My next step was to dye the whole thing red, I haven’t done it yet.)

But that’s it, just outline the star in foils. Ohohohohohohoooooooo, no, not so simple. Even after watching videos, and reading pages and pages of step by step tutorials, I come to the realization that this is nigh impossible to do on your own head! Holy crap. But I’d already started, so I needed to finish it. I’m just lucky I had picked something that was getting covered up anyway, because if I was trying to actually highlight my hair with foils I would have been in deep shit, and I would have needed to go to a salon to fix it.

DO NOT take the internet’s word for it. They will tell you it is simple enough, but it is NOT. The foils move, if your hair is long enough you’ll have a surprising amount of trouble fitting the rest of it on the foil (which will cause the foil to move), even with mirrors you can’t see the back of your head well enough to do something as simple as an outline.

It took me so long, I ended up taking some foils out before they were finished because even though the ends had not reached the right color, my hair was going to fall out. I know my old box bleach maximum time was something like 90 minutes, but this was 60 minutes and I had left it in longer than that just trying to finish all the foils in the first place. I didn’t even end up getting them right.

It’s not like this is my first foray into “professional” style hair dying. I’ve got a couple of box hair dyes left over for emergency fixes, but for a few years now most of my hair dying has been me at Sally’s, picking out colors and bottles of developer, etc. I’ve even done strange patterns where you follow “Zone 1” “Zone 2″ Zone 3”, and each zone is a different shade. I’m pretty experienced with this (without being an actual hairstylist) because mostly I don’t care what my hair looks like. I have been blessed with a skintone that will accept nearly every shade of hair, and when things get funky looking (I once had a blonde go wrong and left me with bright orange hair and white roots. Yep), I just keep them and say whatever now I look edgy and bad-ass as hell.

SO WITH THAT BEING SAID, here are my friendly tips:

  1. IF you are going to be attempting highlights (foil or not) skip the bleach. Bleach works fast, it’s easy to screw up, and after you bleach you need a toner on top. Unless you were going for highlights that are yellow… weirdo. :/
  2. In place of bleach, pick out a blonde that fits your skintone AS WELL AS fits your current hair (light ash, light golden, light neutral, etc.) You’re going to walk into Sally’s (or your local beauty supply store) and pick out little boxes of color. Some are creme, some are liquid. They will look something like this.

    Hair Dye examples

  3. Part 1: Next grab a bottle of developer. Try to use the same brand as the box of color you picked. They’re made to work with each other, so use the same brand as much as possible. It’s certainly okay to use a different brand if you really want to/need to, but if you can, just don’t even bother. Another note: NEVER NEVER EVER mix two different brands of developer together. I DON’T CARE IF THEY SAY THEY ARE THE SAME VOLUME. You cannot guarantee they are the same formulation, and why bother risking it on your hair? Anyway, developer looks like this.

    developer volumes
    Part 2: Okay so you see how they say different volumes? That does not refer to how much is inside the bottle. Instead, it means how much color will lift out of your hair, and how quickly. 10 Vol means it will be lifting almost nothing and pretty much just depositing color. Perfect for if you are going darker, nothing else. I’ll give some examples for novice hair dyers.

    1. Say you are a natural light blonde, and you want some platinum highlights. If you used a 40 Vol developer, you hair will lighten so quickly you might not be done highlighting the rest of your hair! In this example, I would recommend using a 20 or 30 Vol developer. It will lift your hair to your desired level, but slowly enough to let you get through your whole process.
    2. Say you are a natural medium brunette, and you want some natural looking highlights. If you used a 40 Vol developer, it would get you there quickly, but probably too quickly. At this volume, you risk unknowingly leaving it in your hair too long, and you will be left with strange blonde (if you’re lucky, orange if you’re unlucky) streakiness in your hair instead of nice pretty highlights. In this example, I would recommend using 20 Vol developer and wait wait wait. It is better to use a lower volume and have the process take longer than to use a higher volume and risk ruining your hair so that you need professional fixing. In addition, as a brunette, I wouldn’t recommend using blonde highlights at all. The lightest you should use is a “dark blonde”, otherwise I’d stick with the “2-3 shades lighter” you always hear.

What’s that? Your pretty highlights didn’t turn out how you thought? You’re left with yellow pieces in your hair?

TONER TONER TONER. You can do this one of two ways. First, you can use a demi-permanent blonde in a lighter shade than your highlights because demi-permanents are deposit only. If you use a matching shade or darker, you WILL darken your entire head of hair.

Second, you can use an actual toner. They are boxes just like the professional hair dye ones, only these say TONER on them. This will be best if you’ve tried to go platinum and it didn’t get all the way there. Also, they’re just nice and easy to mix if you want two different toners in your hair. Easy-peasy.

Toning your hair should be fast. I’m talking 5 minutes, 10 absolute maximum. You are risking turning your hair purple or blue or green while you tone if you go any longer than that. This is why when you tone, you typically apply it to your entire head. It’s easy, It’s kind of like shampooing, but in sections. You’d take a large section of hair, quickly plop some toner on it, rub it through to make sure it’s all coated, then move on to the next section. When I tone, at the end, I typically use the left over mixture to massage throughout all my hair, really making sure I am getting everything. I know there’s other toners out there, but Wella toners are probably the most common (outside of using demi-permanent to tone) and that’s all I’ve ever used. Here’s an example.


That’s it! Everything I’ve said also applies to full head applications. Instead of just picking out where you want to highlight, you would apply all over your head, using your normal method (bottle, bowl and brush, whatever). So here’s hoping any of you adventurous types can learn from my mistakes. Good luck, and don’t forget the deep conditioner!

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My Sister Turned 18 and My Carpal Tunnel Came Back

Yesterday my sister turned 18. She’s 18. She’s fucking 18. I can’t handle that. I mean, I’m freaking out like mad, I can only imagine how my parents feel. My parents have two adults. I mean, my sister’s still in high school, but still. Two whole legal adults.

My sister isn’t really doing anything with her life and I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down in a way. I was the big sister, I was the one she looked up to, got jealous of, etc. And I made mistake after mistake and I was a big fuckup for a few years. I don’t really consider myself a fuckup now, but I’m moving (my life) at a much slower pace than I feel I should be and… I don’t know, it’s like I’m not setting a good example for her. She never applied to any colleges, she’s never had a job, we have no idea if we’re even going to be in this state by the next “school year”… I don’t know why that part matters but it feels like it fits in.

I know… I know, ultimately, that she has to take control of her own life and I can’t hold myself responsible for what she’s doing, but… hell I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

I guess, I just knew growing up that I was heralded as this amazing child (She’s so smart! She’s going to a great college! She’s _______ and ________ and wonderful, yay Erin!) and my sister had to live in my shadow for a while. She was very different from me from the start and we were (…still are…) 6+ years apart so it’s not like she should have been expected to be anything like me. Her entire growing up experience was different than mine. I  think that’s what we bond over the most, having different experiences and being able to talk about them, teach them to each other, laugh over what we do have in common. But still I feel I let her down. When I started fucking up, maybe she saw that I wasn’t this golden child, I wasn’t perfect and maybe she took it the wrong way. instead of seeing that nobody was perfect, she saw that if I couldn’t do something, how on earth could she?

I’m speculating. I’m assuming a lot and I obviously don’t know what she is thinking and I’m kind of assuming negative thoughts instead of positive thoughts in her mind. I mean, that’s pretty presumptuous of me and kind of rude I think. (Duh, that’s like half of what presumptuous means. Just pretend I wanted to really drive home that I’m being an asshole right now.)

I don’t know. I guess… I just feel like I’ve screwed up a major part of my life and I don’t want her to think that I’m anyone to model their life after, like if I couldn’t handle something then she shouldn’t even try. Because she should. She comes home every week with some story that I’m so jealous of and I tell her every time. She actually comes home every day but I meant that there’s at least one story every week. I just don’t feel like re-writing any of my sentences right now, as you can tell, because I wouldn’t have to explain every other sentence like I am. Instead, they’d just be clear. But they’re not, and it’s hard typing with a brace on your hand[1], and I don’t feel like re-typing things.

At the same time, I also feel like I’m setting her up for failure by comparing her life to mine when I was her age. Who cares that I had a summer job before I was 18? Who cares that I had gotten into “good” colleges? That’s not her life. She might have something else planned for her life that I don’t even know about. Maybe when she graduates she’s planning on getting a job. Maybe she plans to take a year off to figure out what she wants to do. Maybe she has some ideas but simply hasn’t figured out how to implement them just yet.

Maybe she has nothing. I really hope that’s not true.

[1] Like the title says, my carpal tunnel came back. It’s hard to avoid when you spend so much freaking time on the computer typing like a maniac and you still haven’t gotten any of the cushion mousepads or keyboard rests. I bring this on myself, but it’s stupid because it’s fucking painful and it’s really simple to correct given that I know exactly how mine develops.


I don’t know why I felt the need to take a picture to prove it to you guys. It’s a weird picture too. I had to bend my arm funny just to get the whole thing in the shot, and the logo is right on top of the brace so it looks like a strange ad. I couldn’t twist my arm in a way to hide it. It looks like I’m going hey here’s my brace made by MUELLER, for carpal tunnel that I TOTALLY HAVE GUYS and this is in no way a plug for MUELLER braces MUELLER MUELLER MUELLER.

PS the brace isn’t so hot anyway, its the smallest one they have and it’s still too big on me so the pinky-finger side rubs and is really bothersome.

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It’s Freaking Ash Wednesday Already. I missed everything.

I accidentally ended up on twitter an hour ago and I found out it’s Ash Wednesday. I saw it in the trending section. My thoughts were as follows:

“Ash Wednesday? It’s not Ash Wednesday yet, I don’t get it.”

“It’s Ash Wednesday, holy shit.”

“Wait that means I missed Mardi Gras, that’s so sad!” (Not that it’s anything celebrated in my town. But I like to acknowledge it, I guess.)

“Ohhh, that’s why Rio Carnival was happening, I thought that was really early.”

“At least Easter’s not in March this year, I hate that.”

This is what happens when I’m not outside. Even when I spend all day inside, on the internet, I NEVER know when holidays are. If I am not out, doing things, I lose complete track of when holidays are. It’s so weird. I’m… I’m like completely sort-of “narrow-minded” on the internet, I don’t stray from my regular sites, and so I never come across people talking about what day it is. Even Google today. I couldn’t even count on Google to tell me what day it was. You know the Google Doodles that tell you something special about that day. Today’s is Google Doodle Ash Wednesday

Alessandro Volta’s 270th birthday. Which is cool and all, but it didn’t tell me what today was. And now I feel like an oblivious idiot because everything was going on around me and I’m just sitting here like “la la la,  ooh, fun internet, nothing to do, paint my nails, waiting on these pills to make my brain settle, all about me, la la la la la laaaaa!”

I mean, it’s not like I even celebrate this stuff. My grandma is catholic, my mom is… well she was last baptized Mormon I believe… and I have no idea what denomination my dad is. My point is that no one in my family (that we associate with [I can’t believe I actually said that but the family drama on my mom’s AND dad’s side… yeesh]) actually goes to church or actually associates themselves as being anything other than “Christian”, and for my dad, sister and I even that is pushing it. The three of us are literally only “Christian” in that we happen to celebrate those holidays. I think my dad half-believes in God and all that, but my sister and I don’t, currently. So it’s really a matter of which holidays do we want to celebrate, which holidays do we want to give presents during when we have kids… etc.

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Ulta.com is killing itself off. (Okay fine, maybe I’m a little dramatic when I’m mad.)

I’ve ordered from Ulta.com before, about 7/8 months ago? No problems. It was just an order. I’ve also bought things in-store a ton.

Come back to today and I go through the motions of ordering online. Bam, “We are experiencing difficulty processing your order. Please try again later or use another payment method.” What? Okay, I double check things, try again. Same thing. They have the option to go through paypal, so I choose that. Get all the way through, and STILL the same message. Wtf? I look it up and it’s apparently very common. So, I called customer service.

Ulta’s customer service is shit. Complete shit. I still can’t even believe it. It starts off fine, the girl and I are getting info, everything is okay, when she tells me why the order could be getting turned down. Literally every single option for why the order can get turned down, doesn’t apply to me. I’m annoyed, but it’s not her fault, right? So we’re still talking, and eventually she says, “Well, that’s about it. There’s nothing else we can do. Your last option is to try again in three days, after the holds on your account have dropped off.” I’m sorry, what? Ulta.com PLACES HOLDS ON YOUR ACCOUNT FOR THE AMOUNT EVERY TIME YOU ATTEMPT TO ORDER.

Secondly, try again in three days? That means I miss out on the points, free samples, code promotions, etc. that were a major reason why I was even on the site. I tell her this, that I can’t order again in three days because everything I have will be sold out or not even available anymore. “I know, sorry.” Excuse me?

So I sit in stunned silence for a moment or two when she starts concluding the call. That’s it? No consolation prize? No future discount for my inconvenience? No crediting my account? Nothing. Now I’m even more stunned. I’ve never had a “problem placing an order” call go so unbelievable. Any other place would have offered me something, anything, even if I don’t think it is worth what it should be. They want your service! That’s what they’re for! No no, this lady is just wrapping up like sorry, you’re fucked, good luck next time.

And so I go hopping back to sephora, where they at least genuinely sound regretful when something goes wrong.

Things tend to go wrong when we try to order online because we live in the mountains and there is no option for regular mail delivery, it must be to a PO Box. Many sites won’t even recognize my address as a valid place. Like it doesn’t exist to deliver to. Just poof, nope no home.

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Vyvanse Day 10 (Thank god these are numbered because I have no idea what day I’m on.)

700 AM: Okay. DO NOT move your meds closer to your bed because you’re more likely to take them. What happens is you take the pill, never get out of bed, and you never end up fully waking up and the pills won’t do it for you, they just sit there in your body like okay we can chill for a little bit and you’re in this half-awake state for over an hour. Make sure you have to get up and find the pills, on your desk, in your bathroom, something. That way you actually wake up and get the ball rolling. Holy crap. BAD NEWS BEARS GUYS BAD NEWS BEARS.

So I’m a spender. Money burns a hole in my pocket and I tend to hold on to checks and NOT deposit them until I need the money. Well, that worked out terribly for me today because I found out I have a negative balance because a purchase from like three weeks ago charged ~3 bucks more than what it said and I overdrew. I don’t think I have to deal with the $35 overdraft fee because my acct is a college “starter” acct that I just never switched over to a regular one (every time I go into they bank they ask about my classes and I tell them something like “Oh, it’s going slowly, you know, but still sticking to it!”)

But still the negative balance freaks me out so I have to go in today and fix that. Hey look new PROJECT to focus on guys! It’s like I really want to do something and when I have nothing to focus on I feel completely lost. Just wandering around all hey guys, what’s up, what’cha doing? Yeah? Nothing? Cool me too.

I feel like I’m bothering my family because I can’t keep myself entertained. I really wish I could just rush through this slow increase thing and get back to work, at least I would have something to do 4-5 days of the week. Something I could focus on. I bet I’d be fantastic at my job now.

Maybe not with the whole irritability thing; probably (definitely) not good for kids. Imagine a daycare teacher who is normally fun and playing on the floor with kids, suddenly starting a new medication and now she’s like “Ugh, Billy, stop bothering me. Seriously like get away, get out of my face. Oh my god, you want more water? Again?” That’s exaggerated but it’s how I feel with my family sometimes. It’s totally hit or miss too; there isn’t anything that triggers my irritability, it’s like, we’re talking and suddenly you’re super annoying right now go away.

That’s the total opposite of how you’re supposed to be. It’s also not how I usually am.

Alright, so I know that this is the best way to start Vyvanse in my specific case, but it is still slowly killing me to have nothing to do. Like that’s partly why I even restarted this blog. Well mostly why. Because then I realized I couldn’t find any personal update info on the drug and I decided I would do it. I would be the hero everyone needs!

Although I’m betting I’m still not giving important information people would want about it. But maybe you can just see how my posts change day by day and see how it’s affecting me. I’m just making this up as I go, who the heck knows.

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