This week’s been kind of rough. I’ve definitely got a pattern down. I take my pill, and about 6-8 hours later I’m cranky and irritable as hell. Like so irritable I’m like GO AWAY I DON’T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU I DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOU. GET OUT. GO. LEAVE. GOODBYE. STOP FUCKING TALKING.
It’s not the best attitude I can have…
Like previous times I went off of anti-depressants, my anxiety is at an all time high. And that’s not fun. The good news is my appt. is on Wednesday so I can tell her all about this and she can fix it. The bad news is I’m terribly impatient when it comes to my health, mental or otherwise.
I don’t know if the side effects are clouding my vision, but I just don’t feel that motivation or clarity that I used to. I’m hoping that it’s because my body adjusted to the Vyvanse and realized it wasn’t enough, so I can go up and maybe get that double dose through the day or… something. But that plus trying to deal with my anxiety? I don’t know, we typically do one thing at a time; I’m just so sensitive to medicinal changes.
I feel really scared and overwhelmed with the idea of going back to work. I do have to go back soon, medicine or not, and I am terrified that I am going to lose my job because I snapped and started yelling at the kids. I mean, not yelling, but being a bad teacher. Like being irritated all the time by them, being snippy and exasperated. I’m also really overwhelmed because it’s like coming back from summer break and you’ve been gone for weeks and weeks and you have to get readjusted to how things work and whatever changes might have happened while you were gone. That kind of crap gives me major, major anxiety. Like blood pressure through the roof, I want to burst into tears when I get home levels of anxiety.
Plus I’ve said it before but I drive myself nuts being here at home doing nothing.
This has been sitting here for a while because I forgot to hit post. Whoops! But it’s “good” news because now I can add on this story. Our upstairs neighbors’ fire alarm went off. Completely normal, because this building has disgustingly sensitive alarms. As in, there’s one right outside the bathroom (which is directly across from the fuse box.) If you even think about taking a hot shower, the steam will set off the alarm.
I digress a bit. So their alarm goes off. And it goes off. And it goes off. And… it’s still going off? Wtf are these people doing, right?
My dad goes outside and can see through their porch window that the room is filled with smoke. So he hollers out for my mom and he runs up with my sister and they bang on the door and no one answers, and my dad is about to try to bash the door in because we know they have at least one cat, if not more animals, and who knows what’s happened to the people right? Door is unlocked. No one is home. Something has been left on the stove and is now burning and smoking. So my dad turns it all off and my sister runs through the apartment checking to see if anyone is stuck or whatever, but no one is there. He opens the porch door and the house door, and my mom is fanning the place, and eventually I find their cat and I take him outside out of the smoke. Still no one comes home. We’ve gotten the alarm to stop, and nothing is severely damaged to our knowledge, so we leave and start writing a note when my sister notices that the woman has come home.
Apparently she is doing laundry and the fam runs to the store quick-like while the wash is going, and they forgot the stove. She remembers at some point and rushes home without them (I mean, we just missed running into her while we were leaving their house and she came home.) So we tell her what we did and that we took the cat out for air and tried to fan as much as possible but holy hell, that place was filled, I mean FILLED with smoke. I don’t even know how the alarm turned off, because there was still so much in there.
My cat currently hates me because I am covered in stranger-cat-smell. I’m just thrilled the door was unlocked. We were all in our pyjamas, and I rushed into regular clothes and grabbed my phone and inhaler because I had no idea if this was a fire that was going to actually affect us. I had basically grabbed what I thought was important and decided everything else could be replaced, sacrificed, whatever, I was going to go into this fire to help our hellish neighbors that we have done nothing but complain about. And it took me no second thoughts, only sparing thoughts to what I wanted to take out of our apartment in case of collateral damage.
My dad was like “jesus christ you’re a bad ass” to my sister and I and all that. Mostly I think I just didn’t care if anything happened to me. That’s probably a little more concerning, but I kept my mouth shut. Apathy is apathy, but I walked in, in an attempt to help people. It’s not like I jaywalked without any cares. Maybe when that one happens (…again) I’ll mention it. For now… I dunno. All I know is my chest hurts from the smoke and my inhaler isn’t doing what I want it to.