Tag Archives: Weight

Here’s the Roundup

So. It’s May. I have since been upped to 60mg of Vyvanse. I think it’s really working. I take it in combination with 50mg Zoloft and I no longer have any irritability issues. I also haven’t had any problems with my stomach or anything. Still steadily losing weight, and my Dr is definitely going to say something soon, which is soooo upsetting. I like being thinner!

I still have my ups and downs with depression, but it’s not as often as it used to be, so I think I’m getting better. I really just need things to do, otherwise I feel useless and just beat myself up.

Anxiety is still being managed with Klonopin and it’s still kind of out of nowhere.

I can’t hear anything. Heh. It’s happened before; for like 1-2 weeks, my ears just decide they only want to work at half-speed and so I’m going around all “What? WHAT? Wait are you talking? Crap. Wait say that first part again? I didn’t know you were talking to me,” And so on. They don’t feel any different than normal. Nothing is changed, but now I can’t hear as well and in a week or so it’ll suddenly clear up and whatever. It’s super bizarre. Not bizarre enough for me to go to the doctor for it though! Bleh.

So here I sit, with another 20 pounds of henna on my head to fix/enhance the first batch. I used a different recipe too. And I made more, but I ended up with leftovers, but not enough for another application so I stuck it in a bottle (and also used a toothpick) and drew a design on my arm.

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It’s so bad! Hahahahah I am definitely not a henna artist.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 5 (Belated)

Well.

So I haven’t posted in over a week now. Sorry.

I think I’m my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It’s hard. It’s very defeating. I don’t want to do anything because I am psyching myself out.

I’ve got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there’ll be an update then.

And now, here’s the late weekly update.

My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting “reminder meals” to grazing, because actual “meals” are just too much. It’s too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don’t end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I’m NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I’m losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I’m not trying to risk my health, I’m not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don’t know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I’ve lost a lot in three weeks and I don’t know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It’s unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it.

On a different note, I’ve only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids.

I don’t believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you’re super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 4

I can already hear you all groaning at my latest complaint. I can hear it. You’re like “Erin, of all the things to complain about, this is such BS. You’re a bitch.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As far as side effects go, my worst one is… the fact that I don’t get hungry at all, and I have to ask people if I’ve eaten anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know, I know! It’s ridiculous. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I mean, who wouldn’t love never feeling hungry? But I do know that my body cannot sustain itself that way and I have to eat something or else a week from now I’ll have no energy and a massive headache and wonder what’s wrong with myself. HMMMMMM.

I do enjoy my brain now. it’s like, I can do anything! But I also feel myself sort of slipping into depression-mode, and I am so insanely terrified of what might happen if I find myself depressed and motivated. I’ve mentioned this before. It’s still just a big fear of mine right now.

I still don’t have any irritable outbursts. Except when it comes to my upstairs neighbors. Speaking of whom, they are killing me. I just don’t understand how you can let your kid scream his head off at you or at his xbox all while knowing you are having “sound” issues with your surrounding neighbors. SERIOUSLY? And how can you still drop shit constantly and move furniture constantly (?!? WTF is up with that, though) and vacuum after midnight constantly. They piss me the fuck off and I have never, never been so mad at neighbors before. It’s an apartment building! You don’t live in a house, so you HAVE to be considerate of other people.

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Vyvanse Weekly Update 3

So this is a little different because I’ve only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won’t need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I’m still wearing off too quickly, so I don’t know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn’t seem effective if 50mg works until it’s gone… so it’d have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn’t even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it’s not something for me to worry about for a while anyway.

The Zoloft I’m on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I’m just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it’s worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to… more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that “Sudden Moody Teenager” hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it’s not like I’m just going “aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy” *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I’m not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that “hour”, I would immediately be like “WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Karen pout BSC

Couldn’t just be pouty. I felt like a monster.

And I couldn’t even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It’s only been 4 days, but I don’t have that anymore. The only downside is that I don’t know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It’s because I haven’t steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I’ve been pretty steady. I think it’s because even though I don’t eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It’s still candy season so there’s still shaped Reese’s to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice.

Well, along those lines, I’ve lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it’s the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I’m terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescription, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up “Zoloft weight loss gain” to see what the general consensus was. It’s terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say “Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain” and others would say “Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more”! I know it’s because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don’t, but there isn’t even a real like agreement. From what I’ve gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change.

And it’s fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That’s so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y’know. That.)

Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls?

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MAYBE THEY WOULDN’T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN’T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for skin and bones — anorexia-style and really I am not.
Anorexia is serious. I just can’t think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings.

FIN.

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Vyvanse Day 23

700 AM: Wake up, hit* alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Wait for next alarm. Hit alarm. Do this until about 830, realize you’re fucking up your own schedule, and finally get up to take pill.


*I actually use my iphone as my alarm, so it’s not hitting it technically. I’m also not “snoozing” the alarm, I actually just have them go off at 10-15 minute intervals in the morning. It used to start around 8 and only be set earlier if I needed to be early, but now they’re at 7 and continue until 9.

I set them not because I’m a masochist (okay fine I am but not the point), but because I will turn off an alarm, and not actually follow the directions of the alarm. Like if it’s to wake up, I turn it off and won’t get up. If it’s to take a pill, I turn it off and then forget to take the pill. So I have multiple alarms go off. It must be annoying for others, but it doesn’t really bother me.

I “forgot” to eat again this morning. It’s not really forgetting, I just put it off and do something else (conversation, get on computer, go do something outside, shopping, whatever.) and then I continue to push it further and further and then suddenly it’s 2PM and I’m not hungry, but I am craving something. That’s what I’ve noticed that not eating/Vyvanse makes me feel. I’m not sure which one it really is. But yeah, if I don’t eat on a schedule or if I don’t start eating early enough after taking the pill, I won’t get hungry. I will begin to crave something. Like today I really wanted a McDonald’s cheeseburger. For completely no reason. I got it and actually it wasn’t up to par.

I don’t normally turn my nose up at fast food places like many people in my area do. I know it’s a preference for sure, but I think a lot of people “hate” McDonald’s because it’s cool to hate it. I’m not saying it’s amazing, because gimme a break, it’s fast food, but it’s also not the horrible gagworthy pukefest people make it out to be.

My burger bun was stale today though. So that was a little sad.

Also sad was that I didn’t win the lottery last night, but GOOD NEWS IS NO ONE ELSE DID EITHER so it went up and now it’s currently at 450 million. It’ll change by the drawing so that’s why I say currently. It’ll go up again. When the jackpot gets really high like this I get all fantasize-y and start planning out my new dream life. I’ve got tabs of houses open, I’ve got car brands open to look at new cars, I open luxury store sites, etc. I get allllll up in the rich life. Luckily I never expect to win so I don’t get disappointed too much. Just a little. Like aww… I wanted to be rich. 😦 Oh well.

Lastly, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a few more pounds but I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days so I don’t know for sure. But going up in dosage has changed my eating habits enough that I think I’ve lost more weight. I hope 😉

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Vyvanse Day 22

700 AM: Wake up, don’t be totally grumpy, take pill, stay awake, everything is smooth. Phew!


Today’s been pretty uneventful. I did forget to eat until about lunchtime because my mom, my friend, and I kept finding something new to talk about. I didn’t feel hungry, obviously, but I never intended to NOT eat, I usually just force myself to eat a banana/protein shake… sometimes oatmeal. Something, you know? So that’s probably the biggest thing regarding the Vyvanse that happened today.

I don’t feel irritated or nauseated. I don’t have any stomach pains today, no headaches. So, pretty good overall.

I am a little concerned about the medication and my depression. I entertained this option because I’ve exhausted nearly all other options of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, alone and combined. What concerns me is that I feel like my brain is a little clearer now, but it means that I’m recognizing aspects of my depression. While I’d like to get better completely, it definitely was easier when I was just ambivalent toward everything. Living life where you literally just don’t care is surprisingly easy. It also comes with a lack of motivation. “I don’t care if I do anything. I don’t care if I am at home or at a store or at a friends house. I don’t care about the conversation, I don’t care about watching tv, I don’t care about anything, anyone.”

That’s not really the case anymore. I am feeling more natural motivation to do something, and I’m definitely afraid that one day, that motivation will manifest itself in actually attempting suicide. There’s just a scary part of battling depression where medication is working for you, you are getting out of the “I don’t care/I’m numb” funk, but now you feel a lot. You feel a whole lot and you care a lot and then you can suddenly care about killing yourself. It’s very scary for me thinking that I can suddenly be overwhelmed again with my feelings about myself, and have motivation to do things, so… I’m motivated to kill myself. I don’t want to be motivated to kill myself. I’ve been through that, and I’ve seen what it does to other people; knowing that their friend/girlfriend/daughter whatever, tried to kill herself, and it’s only through sheer luck that she’s even alive right now.

I got a bit lost there on how to explain anything. I’m still not sure how much sense I am making. Oh well. Next time.

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Vyvanse Day 12

700 AM: Wake up, take pill, crawl back into warm bed. What happened to me?


Well yesterday was a bust, huh? I am in a much better mood today, thank goodness. I woke up with a headache and even after more sleep it’s still there so that’s probably dehydration. I mean I can never tell, it’s like even though I feel like I’m drinking tons and tons it’s never enough. I’m going way over the 8 glasses (or 64oz which also happens to be more than the other “how much water should you drink: half your body weight”) and I know this because I drink water bottles. We have a case, but I also have a refillable I use too. When you add up everything I drink it’s like a million bajillion oz. No really it’s something like between 70-80oz and I pee constantly but apparently that’s not good enough. Maybe it’s something else. It’s gotta be.

For those of you who care about my weight, it seems to have a mind of it’s own. I track my calories, and I eat ~ 1000 calories every day, minus those first few days on Vyvanse. I’m not raving hungry all the time, I just eat a lot of high protein to keep me full and I fill up on cucumbers because they’re so good.

Despite this, I haven’t lost weight in a few days now. I’ve been hovering, and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing still. I’m up and doing stuff, even if it’s just pacing around in my house, so it’s not like I’m completely inactive. I track everything I eat. I dunno. Maybe that’s part of Vyvanse. It makes you not want to eat and then once you’ve lost some weight it says “Alright suckas we’re keeping you riiiiight here” and just like throws a dart at somewhere under your before weight.

Vyvanse darts

I mean I know how weight works. I’m clearly doing something wrong. Maybe I’m holding on to a bunch of water weight (although I thought drinking lots of water negated that…) Maybe I’m completely forgetting something I eat or drink and it’s keeping me from losing. Maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with this because my Dr won’t like that I’m upset that I didn’t lose more on Vyvanse. Maybe I should just be patient and wait for higher doses for not only more brain workability, but also more weight loss. No really, I shouldn’t care so much.

I told her before, it will likely never matter how much weight I lose or how much the scale says. I don’t think i will ever be happy, and at some point I just accepted that. I just told myself not to go up in jean size and we’ll call it a compromise.

Brain workability: that’s something. You know, I can tell Vyvanse is doing something, but it’s not enough. Sometimes I still feel like I’m in a fog and my thoughts might be slower but it’s not enough. Today I kind of feel like it’s doing nothing at all. Like I can’t even think straight. I’m not even sure what I’m saying, I don’t think I said it right.

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Vyvanse Day 9

700 AM: I put the alarm away from me so I’d have to get up to turn it off. THAT didn’t work. I just got up and turned it off and went back into bed. I didn’t take the pill until almost 8. Fuck. This is getting harder.


My weight loss has stalled, which is unfortunate (for me because I wanted to lose more) but really probably fortunate for my Dr. who will like that I didn’t drop 20 pounds on the baby dose. Eating is still hard though. It really does feel like I am forcing myself to eat. Sometimes I do the “Plug your nose so you can’t taste it and just swallow really quickly!” thing but that doesn’t overcome the nausea I feel after it’s all in me. I bought anti-nausea pills and I think that helps a bit, probably what’s keeping me eating AND not losing weight. Y’know. Because that’s not the end goal here. Being as skinny as I want. 😐

Me, misuse drugs? Never.

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I’d love to know where this picture comes from. I tried reverse searching it but the oldest hit was a site-crawler back in 2007 or something.

ANYWAY. I still have headaches out the wazoo. I’ve all but stopped drinking anything but water, and I drink a lot of it, so I don’t know if these pills just dehydrate me so freaking much that I’m still getting D-headaches or if they are actually just caused by the Vyvanse. Irritability is there. I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve not even reached week 2 on this yet. Things can still change. I just really don’t like myself right now. Or anyone else for that matter. My family are practically saints for putting up with this.

I still feel this constant need to do something, work toward something. Right now I’m just kind of wandering around lost, like I don’t want to just be on the internet all the time, I don’t want to just watch TV, I need to know that I am headed toward something but I’m not. It doesn’t override the fact that I hate exercise though. Which isn’t good because my blood pressure has been hovering in the normal-high range and I might need an actual exercise plan in order to keep it down but also stay on Vyvanse.

Brain-wise, I’m definitely slower. I still kind of feel like my thoughts are all over the place but more and more, they’re getting to be complete thoughts and not just half-sentences I couldn’t finish because I thought of something else (related or not.) I don’t think I’m acting as spacey as I usually do, which is a good sign, a really good sign. It’s the sign that hey, you probably really did have ADD and this isn’t just another bad-ending way of tackling your depression/anxiety.

PLUS, there’s been heavy hints from my Dr. that fixing the ADD might make the depression go away altogether. It might not, it might be too late for me to completely be depression-free, but I do like the hope. I keep noticing my own personal signs of depression and I’m talking to them like like they’re an imaginary friend, like “Hey, hey you LACK OF MOTIVATION, you’re going to go away soon. HAH SUCK IT.” and sometimes “HEY, hey you FEELING OF GUILT AND EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD, yeah, oh yeah that’s gonna be a thing of the past. SUCKKKK IT!”

I might even be able to develop coping skills for my anxiety once there isn’t the weight of twelve brains shoved into my one little head. Who knows?! I’m on a new planet called, uhh, Glarin’ Erin 2.0, and we have no idea what’s going to be there.

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Confession: I had to change my whole last line to get that Galaxy Quest reference in there. The things we do for love.

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Vyvanse Day 4

700 am: Still arguing with myself to get up and take the damn pill, don’t wanna, don’t wanna be up this early, once I take it I stay awake, there’s no curling back up in bed. Business as usual.


My brain is calmer, slower, but I still have anxiety. It is a strange feeling; like this must be what people with GAD feel like naturally, and I had it sort of upped to 11 because my brain was too fast at the same time.

I still have the whole unnecessary worrying, inability to control it, doomed feeling going on, but I can actually process more of the thoughts and sort of put those thoughts to words. I think it may reduce/eliminate panic attacks altogether because everything would just be built up into one ball of nerves and now, yeah I’m an anxious little girl still, but I don’t have that constant “world falling apart” feeling that was always at the edges of my tippytoes. It was always there. I felt like I could at any point fall over onto the wrong side and have a panic attack, and I just don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells right now.

I really hope this is a permanent feeling.


Losing a pound a day at this point. I’m still trying to eat, but everything makes me nauseated or kind of disgusted after a few bites. Even my go-to milkshakes aren’t appealing. I’m trying to at least get protein in with small (tiny) spoonfuls of peanut butter and those high protein slimfast shakes.

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These ones have 20 grams instead of the usual 10 grams of protein. I know they’re for weight loss, but they taste really good to me (normally) so I try to drink at least one throughout the day to get in the nutrients. I’m considering trying those kids nutrition drinks like Pediasure… they have those for adults right? I’m just afraid of hating the taste and wasting my time with them.

Honestly, I know my Dr. says I should care, but I really don’t care about my caloric intake at the moment. I like that I’m losing weight, even though it’s not in a healthy manner. I do. I’m sorry. What I do care about is my already limited ability to absorb nutrients. I need things like smoothies or whatever that are like a multivitamin in food form so I can get it down quickly and get past my body’s “STOP FEEDING ME GOD DAMN IT” instinct. I’m 5’4, so I know if my Dr. decides I weigh too little she’ll take me right off these pills. I feel like Vyvanse could honestly be a good thing in my life right now and I don’t want to stop so soon without seeing if it can make my brain even better.

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Vyvanse Day 2

Still nauseated. Do you know how hard it is to wake up early in the morning just to take pills when you normally don’t get up until maybe eight or nine? Thing is, once you took that pill, you’re up. There’s no going back. But I really never felt a difference; like I lost any sleep or anything. I don’t feel over stimulated, I don’t feel crazy or hyper, I feel pretty normal. I didn’t realize until I was getting incredibly snappy and angry that I hadn’t eaten all day. I didn’t even notice. I’m literally just not hungry. I’m going to have to set an alarm or something every few hours to remind myself to eat something, anything, because I doubt people want to put up with me being snappy and grouchy and having a headache… because I never ate.

It’s a very different feeling looking out into the world and not being on edge all the time because I can’t stop my brain. It’s like slowly, slowly my brain cars are getting the hang of how traffic flows and thoughts move pretty freely and I can follow them.

I suppose the included weight loss to come is a pleasant side effect. 🙂

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